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Clean, Rich Golfers: No golfer is beating his wife or doing coke, you need steady hands
Social Drinkers: You're not an alcoholic, cause if you are then I am, so you're not
Drunk Enemas: We both know when we drink too much, we drank too much, our dumps told us
Undesired Patterns: We drove right into La Guardia Airport, the runway area, planes drove by us
Jewwy Hippies: Mushrooms, no, but you would loooove ecstasy
P!SP!: You awkward staring, nerds, you don't have sneak up on me
Renaissance Motherfucker: I was in the ocean and the pool, doing mini laps... with child floaties

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Your Likeness: I can't think of any unsexy way to wear a tie
Myq's Twitter: If you keep that up, Myka is going to leave you
Showbuki: It's amazing that a head wound can cause a heart attack
The MJ Suicides: I don't think you were contributing much if this turned your world upside down
Burger Champions: Everybody fucking won this, it just fucking hit me: I won!
Blowjob Apparel: There's going to be six new babies, minimum, July 4th
Third World Country: I don't take Al Franken's word for anything
Nothing Will Change: Fun is one of the signs of being an alcoholic
A Bar Graph: You're so punny and you think the whole world is stupid
Mushroom Minds: The first time it made me see people as animals
Drunk Poll: That's what makes you an alcoholic, not feeling remorse
A Mouthy Git: 1200 bucks for looking like a douche for 2 seconds
Standardized Chargers: This is what happens when you stop listening to potheads and start listening to Keith Malley
Don't Be Alarmed: An entire building collapsed in Shanghai, but no one died so who cares?

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No P!SP!: This guy sucks dick from Tuesday to Florida
I'm Not Listening: Obviously we need 1 more super party to finish the booze, then it's a new me!
London Calling: They're just yelling at me, I'm over it
Bob Dylan: It makes me feel like I'm listening to Grandpa try to talk
The Forgiveness Step: Nigger please, the biggest enabler is you
Life Tings: An eternity of isolation and really bad nightmares
Best Selling Author: I have seen Scott drunk, I'm very pretty when Scott's drunk
AA: First of all, everyone is so fucking dramatic, it really makes you want to drink
Shrugmanship: 90% said everyone took it serious enough and you guys are fucking babies
Gay Enablers: You want to ass-fuck? God says, I ass-fuck you America
Mormon Hard-Ons: Brigham University lifted 3 year policy of blocking access to youtube
Keith Is A Pussy: It doesn't bother me at all that I'm a vagina
Pirate Hunting: You're ending something bad and also taking pleasure in murder

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June York: They handcuff each other and hide the keys in their pussy and you gotta find it!
What Do You Do?: I was in a motorcycle gang and basically we beat up African Americans
The Top Ten: I dunno, I wish we could all live on fucking beach, I've got real problems, homos
The Dyke March: I wore a flannel sleeveless shirt and put on a blond mustache
Everyone's A Critic: I like punk the way I like jazz - with structure
Carnival of Souls: I've got a hard dick right now from just typing the word KISS
Frog Stompin': I call it a picnic, but we we're just eating on a bench
Retarded Fishing: I want you to sneak underwater, bite the lure and pretend to be a mermaid
Mike's Fight Club: Do I suck you off first and then we wrestle?
Bacon Fire: So the gas would kind of leak around to the grill pan and shoot flames
Rule Breakers: I let the grocery store marinate my meat in the freezer
Cole Wins: Apparently people take 'taste' as a big criteria
The Judges: Before we even tasted anything, we were tasting WRONG
How To Eat: Don't tell me I can't wear different head wear with each dish
Smelling Animosity: You can't see the napkins for the trees
Fair and Square: I'm sorry I'm an American and didn't INFUGE anything
Billy Mays: He died from being too earnest, this guy just wanted to make deals
Atheist Club: The whole reason you quit Church is so you don't have to go to meetings
Curiosity Kills: What are the chances of me getting a third degree burn in my life? I'd like to feel that .

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Erecting Museums: I'm not waiting for your secret ingredients, I need cook offs NOW!
Your Fight Club: You're mad at me for caring about you?, this is interesting...
Denial: Surprise, Michael Jackson was not mentally stable and did a lot of drugs
Don't Be A Fuck-Face: You were so high you punched a hole in a glass bus stop
Fag Money: We support gays, but we know your bitch mouth had it coming
75% Joke: A Roomba is not enough, let's add lasers and razorblades on it
Nevermind Human Decency: I didn't know you could see TV on the Internet, oops
Pro-Pirate Hunting: I understand what's weird with killing, but I'm getting my rocks off

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PETA Hates Keith: When the morning starts out and I kill a mosquito it's going to be a good day
Loopy Ass Cancer: Farrah Fawcett was the first natural beauty, what a loss!
45 Minutes Sober: My mom loves Jew-hating so we really connected on that front
The Same Michael Jackson: Anything to get out of a show, MJ; Satan needed a kid-toucher
What Is The Fuck?: Fuck my wife I wish the bitch would get AIDS, maybe then she'd lose weight
Sherlock Charlie: Guess this nigga isn't comin', I'll just take a shot for the road
Quit It: We got you fired Ron Bloom, you fucking piece of shit
Pet Sounds: They really paved the way for everything with bicycle horns
Two People, Two Voices: Thanks, I thought you were going to throw shit at me
Dramatic Cunt: You punched Lauren in the face and your tits are heterosexual
Tambourine Players: Don't call somebody a faggot, but fuck those GLAAD faggots
Pederast Loopholes: I just wanted to know how sexy these children will be when they grow up
Beer Tits: Why didn't she just pump if she was going to get crunked?
More Nominees: You're just being lazy, suck it up and pick five
Unicorns Are Real For Real: Memoirs of an imperfect angel with a fat head
Fatherly Love: You figured this shit out, Nick, love is the key
Rosie Radio: You get to work from home, no one wants to hear your phone call guests
Watchmen Director's Cut: A five minute sequence of just blue dicks
Drag Me To Hell: I do not enjoy anything with maggots
Fond Memories: I peed in a cup, but then I had to pee more, so I had to empty the cup
Christmas 2008: Marilyn Manson cuts his face over 100 times
Shaking The Baby: Why don't we just make playpens that looks like microwaves?
Facebook The Movie: The accidental millionaires will be very long
Penis #3: You're an extra on Real Sex, so I guess it's not real then?

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Super Party: It's a way to enjoy the company of others... alone
A Day In The Life of a Thing: Yeah you guys weren't really feeling that one
Old School Rape: You light up my life...with rape, you give me hope, shut your mouth
92% Not A Douche: So, I shit all over Dan Allen is what I'm trying to say
Retribution: Perez Hilton blows his way out of proportion
Serious Polls: Until Continental masters the airplane, we don't get to go to Mars
Sucking and Fucking: Your brother has a disease that makes him punch police officers
The Guerrilla Man: He's adorable and I love him to pieces, but he's a dumb person
Robot Teacher: It's a proven fact you can't learn without someone being disgusted with you
The Quran: It's too hot to amputate your limbs, how about recite the Quran?
Something Brown: There are no blacks in Canada, so you clip them out of magazines
Electric Cars: We gotta quit being at these animals' mercy, let's plug some shit in
A Homo Gets His Wings: Mark Sanford cheats on his wife, so we have to care out of principle

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This Fucking Guy: I could have been a millionaire, why aren't I? John Petrie
Condom Kisses: Can't you just hide your jizz-covered anything?
Fake Out Your Dick: I won't say you're ugly because I'm not a bitch
Emotional Cheating: Go have other friends and tell them your puns
Energy Vampires: You put me in between a cunt and a hard place
Sisterhood Of The Thing: You take too long to pay, you tricked me, scumbag
Segregated Proms: Someone is mad at me and their dick is in their own sister
Cash 4 Gold: His job is to act like he is scared of these stupid animals
Your Death Bed: Can you inject me with heroin, cause that's really on my bucket list
No Footage: TLC should stalk Jon and Kate to the shitter
Coward Faggots: Violence is never the answer, drawing dicks on people's faces is the answer
Get Me Out Of Here: 125 insect bites in 8 days is not worth your charity
His Skin is the Minority: The truth is the truth and fuck you bitch

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A Gathering of Thoughts: A room full of smug, hateful pricks
You're Welcome, Dad: Hope you enjoyed this mother fucker, you better pay homage
Eight Minutes: Do you still use your family as show fodder?
Father-Son Bonding: The son punched the dad right in the face, now the family is closer
Collision Course: I saw Pelham 123, there's no reason for these train wrecks, Washington
Kate Minus John: Where's the receipts for the who-gives-a-shit?!
Black Magic, Black Power: Chris Brown smashes Rihanna's face in and gets off
Not Your Month: Jani Lane owes over $120K in taxes, oops!
Bendejo: Asshole, dumbass, man whore, faggot, I hope you feel better
Gorilla Warfare: Ray is an infant social revolutionary. Hugs, Jesse
Your Dick is Fucked Up: Haha are you jerking off, haha is that your penis?
The Conversation Starter: What's this? Oh, let me show you, touch my chest
Just Quit: What Do We Do Now cures insanity
Big Chew: The FDA has control over your cigarettes, your delicious candy cigarettes
A Day With F-Mos: Is she just going to wait on a corner and you'll show up 2 hours later?
Selling Yourself: I don't know what I can do for you, I'm amazed that I'm even here

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The Biggest Douche: You cannot get the iPhone in Minnesota
Elbows Bend!: This used to be a sexy dude, Androids I'm jerking off to
Opposite Rights: They can really turn a dick inside out into a vagina?
9 1/2 Pussies: Watermarks in your asshole and impromptu straight-fucking
Just Really Hip: I didn't jerk off to the Boys Are Dancing
Does She Bang?: Ricky's heart can belong to a man or a woman, probably a man though
Going Through A Time: Imagine if I put two prayers on that bitch
Reading Jeremy: Tune into YOU, and work out both of your halves
Your Bad Childhood: Somebody threw a coke bottle in your direction, waaahhh!!!
Phone Readings: Your face drooped for metaphysical reasons
Witch War Quidditch: I would rather have transporter technology than a broom

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The 1000th Show: We timed it out so that it doesn't make any sense
Being A Mom is Hard: I have to infringe on free speech, do laundry, hate gays, carpool
Domestic Quarrel: I gently moved her by the throat and perchance she leaned into my palm
Animal Ghosts: Keith doesn't believe in God, but he does believe in ghosts
Functional Citizen: Surprise! Bums don't have their shit together
Your Host: I thought you were endearing. Well, he thinks I'm a dick
Road Show: I put the feelers out for you, I told all of your friends, ex-girlfriends, acquaintances
Big Dickin' You: Who needs words and shit, you know what I'm saying
Huh, That's Fascinating: You're the dummy, but to him everything is a surprise
You Sound Ignorant: I hope your whole village is on the family plan, Minnesota
You Simplistics!: My new thing is living the life and shitting on the honesty of the wild
Low Blow: I tell it like it is, then I tell you I told you like it is
Serendipity: Your life is a romantic comedy, don't fight it, Meg Ryan wants you
Morgan's Bucket List: That's sick, disgusting, I'm taking my pants off
Misunderstanding: Your fiance is a porn star, don't be a prude!
You Know How Matt Gets: Your chili wait is redonkulous and your app talk is nothing short of a lie
Bully Revenge: You'll never forget me no matter how hard you try
Your Baby is Lying: I put Jack Daniels in his mouth, what else can I do?
Losing Your Shit: I don't get mad, I just dismiss you because you cannot help me
Lullabies: Singing your baby phenomenon to sleep
Status Updates: Really loving this bag of Sun Chips!!!!

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Home Grown Minnesota: All this field and no Mexicans?
Driving While Twittering: How bad of a driver are you that after 17 minutes death was imminent?
The Dairy Parade: If you see candy in the street get it no matter the cost
Propaganda: I support Sarah Palin because I know everyone wants to rape my daughter
You Look Sick, Peta: Do they understand how many trees they're killing with their statements?
Shit Cookies: You gotta taste these fortune cookies, they taste like all the other ones
Fuck Apple: Minnesota has been cutting and pasting for five years now!
Retroactive Apology: We're sorry African Americans, no mules, no acres, fuck you
The Plight of Lesbian: Chemda is the most oppressed of all minorities
Buyer's Regret: Are you the kind of guy that shades cunt into girls' tattoos?
What you talking bout, Willis?: Chemda can do it because she is far less genuine than I am
Get Your Shit Together: Fat Jani Lane you're making me look like an idiot
Hi, John Petrie: I'd watch Rock of Love Bicycle, he can have 3 bitches on a handlebar
Breaking Pianos With Bitches: Robert Pattinson gets clipped by a cab
Age Difference: I didn't even NOTICE he was three times my age
Mission Impossible 4: Mission Impossible 2 has the best hair you will ever see
Hole Returns, Sort Of: You cannot sing Courtney Love, you have to be a nasty bitch
No More Drankin: I went from stoned sober to oh dear in the course of an hour
Your Lifestyle: My survival depends on Nas completely, I only make 20 grand a month
Smallville: I tried to give it merit because I didn't want to believe I was dating a retard
Hollywood Stars: It's not a big fucking deal, Ernest is on there
Death Showers: You don't want to die with your head in a toilet bowl
Mariah's Best Work: Sugar Kisses and Pizza Parties for my Perfect Lover

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Airplane Jokes: James Smith tell me why your life is awful today
Dennis Hof: You're a scumbag that exploits whores, can I please be one of them?
You're Into Ugly: 10 times out of 10 John Fish will pick the deformed girl
Ab Fucking Solutely: Your father wouldn't answer a question unless it was phrased correctly
The Fucked-Up Breakfast Club: Tag! Got your car, fuck you!
Your Chastity: I want to see what a hymen feels like when you break it
iPhone 3.0: Look at what they gave you, shit you already had!
Well With It: My parents built their own good in their lawn
He's Not Like That: Brolo squeezed me too hard and tried to put his thumb in my asshole
Disposable Tents: You bring your tent home and the next thing you know your spine is all curved
A Camping Town: This is fun, pretending to be you in this fucked-up land
Bear Punching: Let's go die in the middle of nowhere, for my birthday!
Is it in you?: Once 1 in 4 people are fans, everyone will be crippled with blow jobs
The Old Flame: You know your wife, she's an unreasonable cunt, you have to kill this woman
I Shit On You: You don't say that to three kids in a golf cart
Goof Jerk: You were all watching me jerk off, you queers!
Time is Up: This is like abortion, I can see it, but I wouldn't do it
The Dice Party: Yes or No; is Sarah Palin smart?
The Sanctity of Marriage: We used to make fags drink out of separate water fountains?

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Party Shuffle: Today was going to be a good day, then Dan ruined the prayer
Biblioteca and The Girl: I didn't know Keith and The Girl would take away my right to vote
HippieGeek Returns: My wife died, but I've got to take a hit of this bong
IM Your Mom: Stop calling me, I know it's a phone, but I need to see the words
Time Limit Rape: You let Jim Gaffigan cum on your face
Ray vs. Dan: I'm going to trust you on this one, I know you don't fuck things up...
Robot Food: King Baby!!! Hey, I know you, I just cannot speak properly
Marc Maron Causes Cancer: What's the fucking point of doing this again?
I Might Be A Miracle: Leave me out to dry for two days then every hour punch me in the chest
Sitting Shiva: You cannot go to any happy events for a year and you can't shave your balls
Cheerios and Assholes: They have scientifically proven homophobia equals homosexuality, FACT!
All Apologies: Joking about rape isn't the same as actual rape, Sarah Palin
53 Stars Too Many: You fell asleep while someone had a gun to your face
A Month of Adulthood: I don't know if I'm in love, but I certainly told her I was

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Still Gay?: I don't equate baldness to cancer, how dare you!
What the fuck are you?!: When you're in bed, do you say I licked HIS vagina?
Not Just Bingo: Look a dick! They disgust me, but move out my way, I've got to see this dick!
Here and Queer: Why isn't half the parade normal and why is it always spitting on me?
Hard To Get: She just doesn't know she likes my dick! Everybody likes my dick!
Improper Acquiring: What's it like being born with no guilt?
Relaxing the Sphincter: I'm going to go fuck some guy, I hope I don't die
Wheels Up!: What was going through your head as you lost your erection? Where's my Twizzlers?
Jeremy's Gambling Problem: He's a literal baller
The Lonely Man: You tainted my desire you butter-eating fucks
Sgt. Pepper's vs. The White Album: I don't need songs over three minutes
Ben Lerman Performs I'm Ben Lerman
Pretty Fucking Ridiculous: So go ahead, choke her. Kill her. She has a throat made out of granite
Adam is Square: We came with two forties each, so we were like Rockefellers
The Polls Are In:W ho wants to fuck Janice Dickinson? That's not even normal, that's fucked up
Ben Lerman Performs Multiple Orgasm Pam
Wedding Singers: No one can take 'fucking' in Sinatra? Who knew?

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Feeling The Burn: Man, I am a fat, fat pig
Detroit Rock City: If we can win the hockey playoffs we can somehow fix the recession
No Lakers Parade: Keep it real, just walk down the street together
Six Flags is Bankrupt: Stop taking coke cans instead of money
Shoo Fly Pie: No, your shit pie is fucking excellent give me some more!
Your Letters: Dear Keith, my name is Slappy Jones, I'm 14 and so in love, but... NEXT!
For Tobacco Use Only: KATG pipes made exclusively for illegal drug use
Banging My Dick All Around: Excuse me, Sugar Tits, let me caress the small of your back
Steve O Whip-Its: I tattooed what on my what? Why do my balls look like this?
Vitamin Cocaine: You wanna shit, pose, eat, sleep that's why you want to model, fuck you all
Dating Janice Dickinson: She doesn't look in the mirror, she models in the mirror
You Broke It, You Bought It: You knew to complain to the FCC, but not that it is the year 2009
Conversing With Gerber: No, it's not me, I will not engage!
Chicks and Vomiting: If you don't like it send me 60 pages of why it sucked
Blow Jobs: It's like pussy, but with no talking

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Hockey Playoff Party: You work hard, then you get to fuck the Stanley Cup
Bring Back All The Retards: I want to see all these old cripples fight
Truth in Ads: All you fat bastard cops are hitting on Desirae in the Subway
Get Slash Your Name: Finally you've achieved the bare minimum, Facebook
Tattoo #35: A tattoo gun off the street, save a couple of bucks for a lifetime of disease
The Hangover: You made a baby jerk himself off, now he's an addict for no reason
Douche of The Year: You switched teams and lost, anyway, God doesn't make mistakes
The Bitterest Brownies: David Letterman tried to rape my daughter via television
A Day in Hip Hop: Have brunch and arrive late everywhere with F-Mos
Ask Dina: Guys just need to push each other around in shopping carts once a month
KATG Links List: Do you think it didn't work out because you live in separate countries?
F-Mos Performs

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Eye Yeast Infection: That's a really weird way to get attention
Band Geek: Everyone is used to your parents neglecting you
Cottage Cheese Pussy: I'm not really munching from here to China, so I tasted it
Keith is Kevin: Life is a to-do! I don't know why people switch our names if we don't even look alike
Keith and The Chat: Where the fuck were you in '75? I dunno, in my dad's ball-sack?
Aerosmith is the Rolling Stones: You both have goofy lips and drugged out guitarists
A Day in The Life of Intern: I just made the rockin'est sandwich
2.0 Beta Testing: It didn't occur to me to just take a few and leave the bag
Finger Pistols: Why hasn't anyone told you, you look like a homosexual, Bret
X Marks: None of you Doctors have the technology to write legibly or communicate properly
Shocking News!!!: Chastity Bono has sexual-reassignment surgery
Crime Watch: Someone stole Officer Bill's lawn ornaments
You're Under Arrest: You butter-fingered bitch! This is entrapment!
You're On Acid: Oops I forgot there was a million dollars in this mattress
Garage Sailing: I'll give you five cents for these panties, they're not for me, I swear!
Teenage Rebels: You ran the dishwasher and ate cake, you're a real loose cannon
Mike Tyson Gets Married: You're daughter just died, time to celebrate, praise be Allah!
'Up' in 3D: The sound of one hundred ovaries weeping

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Comix Live on Tape: You mean you really don't cry and masturbate?
My Little Piglet: You're not going to look like Stallone after three sit-ups, relax, Tubby
A Mixing Bar is For Queers: Just suck it down and suck me off. And fuck my ice cubes, Bartender
Red Neck Lesbians: There were cowboys in pink shirts, but don't ask for fancy drinks
Kiss My Dick: We were like Fleetwood Mac except without all the money and Rumours
Your Fan Club: He was speaking to my unibrow and he waxed it off with his words
We Want To Help You, Mike: Damn, if I was a girl I'd fuck the shit out of a peacock!
You Live With a Thief: I'll just leave a bag of Twizzlers on this coffee table...
Drunk.mpg: I'm thinking of a song, you played it... four years ago, do you remember?
Go Chemda!: Thanks to you my boyfriend chokes me until I pass out, all the time!
Setting Boundaries: I shouldn't have to tell you to not rape my girlfriend
Name-Calling: Punch your bully in the face. Sorry, Princess, but the world is ugly
I Know What You Did Beetlejuice: Sorry about the rocky patch we had. Never change!
Crazy Eyed Giulia: I think I am going to take a dump in your shampoo bottle

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Emily EpSTINE: You have a right to not feel like a douchebag
Patti Blagojevich: You're a celebrity for being the wife of a scumbag
Rediscovering Biggie Smalls: Yeah that's right let's go to work bitch
Easy Guitarists: The lead singer isn't going to shred on your guitar, get off the mic
Brolo IS Rock: He's talking the TALK and I'll tell you what JACK, it's Tuesday on a SUNDAY!!!!
Keith's Final Destination: Are we going to teach a lesson or are we going to be interesting?
Coming Out: We have to live in society where people don't know that Clay Aiken is gay
The Rainbow Gate: I'm sorry, did my lady parts turn you gay?
Daddy's Little Girl: It's just love guys, that's why I get to fuck my daughter
Pelham 1 2 3: I think Travolta killed the baby to promote this movie
George Burns and Gracie Allen: God you're fucking stupid, Chemda
You're The President: Do you have to go to a Broadway show Obama? Relax
New York Gritty: Never roll the window up on someone unless you mean it
Homie The Clown: There's a shoot out in your apartment, don't stop dancing Whitey Bastard
Capturing the Friedmans: Clowns should have two names like Silly Billy, also they should be pedophiles
Pole Dancing is Fun: Heidi Larious; That's what I need, jokes with my whores
Cops Need More Power: Keep going to parties with shoot outs, then remind me about your rights
Your Glass Eye: Did you hear the latest on Sanjaya? I was shot in the face.

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Good Business: If you want the real shit throw away your old iPhone and get the 3G Sucka
Work Out Buddies: Jeremy will show up and rummage through my house if I don't work out
Intern Mike Twitters: You groaned in ecstasy for a chicken salad sandwich, wait till you try vagina
Holding Speidi Hostage: Spencer and Heidi Pratt are tortured by hotel stays and eating beans
A New Breed of Shit: You don't have to be smart to show up on time, celebrities
National Homo Appreciation Day: Bret Michael's head gets knocked out on stage
Aerosmith: I love this song, I've never heard it before, but it's on a Best Of, I'm a genius!
Keith Rocks The Guitar: They thought I had special effects, but it was raining glass over here
Keith and A Baby: Anytime I leave the house I am going camping, I camp on the subway
Education Really Does Pay: If this program helps just one kid, it's worth all my tax dollars
I'm An Adult!: Dear Keith, should I put my mother in her place? She is stealing MY drugs!

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No, Id: You're not listening to me when you listen to this show!
Offensive Comedy: I want the love of the audience, so I will reinvent myself with a Black persona
Foul Play: Did somebody assist you in jerking off, David Carradine?
Maybe I'm Joking: Fantasy seems like a big word, I just put a finger in my asshole
Charming Japs: K is a funny letter and all policy should come in threes
The Polls: Keith helps Bruno positively; Micah needs AA; Gerber has no redeeming qualities
Jeremy 1 & 2: You killed 3 motorcyclist, but they're easy kills, NOT GUILTY!
Ask Dina: Your boyfriend's band is shit, dump him
Drag Me To Hell: Terrible trailer, but I went to see the movie anyway, it was terrible
Interruptions: You're on an imaginary phone, but can you have your fake conversation outside
A Real Drinking Bar: Hey fuckface! I'd love you to ram me in the asshole, faggot!
Gran Torino: We're just down to Earth motherfuckers, so look at them niggers over there
Ignore This Away: I do not compute ice with a cup, even if I wanted one I couldn't have one
Creepy Indians: No we're not gay, we're making fun of yous, I'm actually just racist
Pat Evolves: You want to change but you're still singing about pussy, stop offending me
Your Friends: Jesse Joyce is here to steal your thunder, Ray DeVito is simple

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Eye Licking: I would save your life with my finger in your vagina
Lesson Learned: Pulling out doesn't work, but the sixth abortion is free
The Stakeout: Hide behind a tree and scare the hot dogs out of him
Time is Up: Dan Allen, you pussy, get Jim Gaffigan off the stage
Female Comedians: All you're missing is a dick
Mixed Signals: Stop asking me rhetorical questions, Jeff Garland
Peter Gerber: This is a fucking waste of life, he would be dead without hippies
Give Me Your Number: Don't let the rapist rape you. You are not invisible!
Christopher Broder: Stop Bloomberg, he's worse than Hitler, time to smoke weed!
What Are You Doing?: I'm sorry, I can be an asshole sometimes, I'm fat
Marriage Counseling: I'm out of here, I demand you give me directions to leaving you
Oh, Jeremy: Stop quoting me back to me, it makes ME look like a douche
David Carradine is Dead: You died with a rope around your dick, you're too old for that
Star Power: Angelina Jolie beats Oprah in Forbes
Friends Forever: You have been replaced by the intern, spooky
Road Trip: I don't have a lot of conversation in me, I am not playing no fucking atlas game
Heroes: Robert Knepper and Madeline Zima join the cast
Crackhead News: Bobby Brown has a new baby and Whitney Houston makes a comeback
Porn Parody: So there's a gladiator and there's fucking...
Precious Treasures: There are no diamonds inside Gene Simmon's kidneys people
Ashlee Gets Crunked: I hope you know the whole time you were dating him, I was fucking him
America We Stand As One: The greatest CD of all time

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Hanging in Nebraska: Oh hello, you look like a comedian
Micah's Demons: That's why I drink so much, so my dick won't do any damage
I Don't Trust Your Sobriety: Why don't you like dick? It tastes delicious.
At Your Expense: I love watching people being made uncomfortable, but it's not clever when I do it
You're a Hermit: Well I can't choose to be no place...
Flush Your Eye: For a second I thought you had rinsed your eye out with vodka
I Was Set Up: You snuck G.G. in! Just give me a fuckin' doughnut!
Wha-huh?: I need to talk shit constantly, but you're a child
The White Album: Today is your birthday; well it's my birthday too, who gives a shit?
Artistic Motivation: I just write enough jokes to not get fired
Cyclops and The Girl: People don't need to see to hear it, why do I have to see to do it?
Maria and Question Mark: Go to the Bronx where you can see many Kate and 8s
Dr. Pussy Pie: Ha Ha and Hoo Hoo - geddit?

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3-D Burgers: I can make it well done and it's still like fresh pussy
3-D Music: You don't know the full punch of Pink Floyd without headphones
Challenging Chemda: I don't want to, I don't have to, but I CAN so I WILL
A Little Accident: How do I tell the ching doctor my eyes have more surface area than hers?
Teabaggin' Eminem: Why aren't you beating the shit out of this man? His balls are in your face.
Me and Sasha Hand-in-Hand: I have been lied to, hilarity has decreased
Lori Petty's Hex: How many $20 sell-outs equal $100,000?
Bait and Switch: Keith drops everything and saves Bruno's life
Arguing With Your Spouse: I can't be mean 'cause I am crying like a pussy. Fuck you, you're fat!
The Chokey: I give it two years until she's in a wheelchair
You Can't Fix Stupid: Ron White; you don't fit in, you're actually funny
Man Uses Soap: Contributing Writer for the Onion
The Hangover: What if we're so fucking high that we're flying and there's a goat?
Shit It Out Your Asshole: G.G. Allin shat in his hand and threw it at you NYU pussies
Ozzy Sues Iommi: We were best friends, but let's be scumbags to each other until we die
Suing for Assault: The teacher tapped my head... that's like rape!
How About Move: You cut off your dick at 25 years old
Pulling Out: So how did you get pregnant? It was better than nothing!
Octopussy: Yes, they had to make birthing laws because of me, but Jon and Kate for shame

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The Ears: Elves aren't real? I'm not going to let this bitch fuck with my delusions
Touchy Feely: Glasses are the underwear of the face, do not touch
Masturbatory Tears: It's like your whole body's cumming, if only you could shit at the same time
Jerk Challenges: You came to eels.... but more importantly did the eels die?
Eye STDS: How do you know if you have gonorrhea of the eye? It drips, durrr.
Malpractice: My appendix is going to burst! No, it's just a fart.
Critical Response: Your listeners like that we have no pride
Wenis Counts: How many people in the room have you had sex with?
Ask Dina: You don't have any kids, go get a fucking job; I'd rather have a gay son than a Christian son; Dina's wenis count
Faceboy Wants True Love: I'll know this train wreck is over in 6 months to five years
Benadryl Sleepyboos: At least I'm not pissing myself on airplanes and stealing from your fridge
Squirting: Don't be intimidated, they're in porn because they can do this
Q and Anus: Don't ask faceboy, his eyes are bigger than his ass
Jen's Dungeon: I'm a switchable, do you know what that means? You're dead.
Sleeping Dogs Lie: She wanted to be a dog and she liked to drink
Asphyxiation: I'm not strangling her, I'm just handling her by the throat

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Seniority: I just stole everything in this store? Yeah, right.
Collect Yourself: Oh my God, I'm Hellen Keller! Ew, gross, gross...
Disregard The Tank Top: We advanced from handball and made racquetball
Comics Imitate Life: I need 467 more frames to illustrate how all these people are assholes
Clowning the Conglomerate: I am not paying you back, I am not a hooker on Hunts Point
Thief Powder: Your skin will turn purple! You will not laugh! You don't get ha-has at our expense!
Hands-On Learning: Ninth graders plot a terrorist attack in two minutes
Your Daughter is Dead: Don't leave a baby with a woman who is attracted to Mike Tyson's face
Tyson vs. Jackson: I was accused of touching kids so I put beautiful masquerades on them
Shocking News: Whore Michael Lohan tries to kill his fiance
You Don't Know Jack: Dr. Death makes his first mercy machine
Hung: A basketball coach uses his cock to get ahead, wakka wakka
Work It Out: Sourpuss Sean Penn and wife get back together after half divorcing
Hot Teacher Night: Be a teacher, not a whore
The Mohegan Sun: Britney Spears' son craps in a swimming pool
Who's Saving You?: I don't take these kids and ruin their fucking lives, that's how I'm better!
Sober House: Mackenzie Phillips, angry, muscles and drankin'
Grey's Anatomy: T.R. Knight's character dies
The Greatest Thing You've Done: Saving rape victims and gay people

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Jeremy Moves to NYC: Where's your 24-hour K-Mart?
The Bowery Poetry: The best $3 I've ever spent was to see a fat woman in a kiddie pool
I Should Prefer Titties: Jeremy gets the hot honies
Confidential: Rumsfeld makes creepy religious collages
The Friendship Test: I already picked the best parts of my friends. I'm done. I need new ones.
Passive-Aggressive Cheap Meats: Right now they're talking about how Keith Malley is a bitch
Noise Pollution: You remotely entrapped some crazy bitch
Clean Up Your Mess: Clorox prices went up. It costs $4,600 to wipe up your piss.
Nerd Cock: I.T. guys love dildos and being sanctimonious bastards
Then GO!: I pushed him off a bridge because I was doing a public service
100 Years: Your dad fed you soup with lighter fluid, at least you got delicious Campbell's
FUCK YEAH, DOMINOS!: What is wrong with you, it's just pizza, Chemda
$1 a Listener: You Canadians are drawing dicks all over everything
How's Cancer Going?: Jeremy loses 75 pounds, Chemda eats 600,000 calories

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Awkwaaaarrrd: Yes, Michael Musto is an asshole, thanks a lot, Adam Brown
Cunt is The New Gay: It's very endearing... to be a cunt
Micah Sherman is Drunk: Is he a sillygoose or a secret member of OutKast?
Myka Fox is Drunk: She is coherent enough to be witty, then all of a sudden she is asleep
You Are Mistaken: It's not potato salad, it's Russian Salad!
Stolen Privacy: Why do you have lifesavers in your medicine cabinet?
Your Lifestyle: The same person who called the cops is the same person who threw a hot dog at my door
Your Asshole is a Tool Shed: Happy Memorial Day, Troops!
Mass Message: Lori Petty does not want to be on your mailing list
Your Playlist: Keith is very specific about his hair metal, it has to be rawkin'
Dear Steve Jobs: I am not pleased with your shuffle feature
Hetero Guilt: Would your son be cool with you dating a 17-year-old?
Ben's Type: I haven't visited the gay community in quite some time
Smell Yo Dick: Ben and Chemda duet
Angels & Demons: You're coughing up swine flu in the movie theater
Walking Out Early: I decided I didn't need to see a second more of Maid In Manhattan
Dark Blue: Whitey recalls the L.A. riots
Rocky Horror: Let's do the time warp, we're assholes!
Nerd Mumbles: What is this? This is bullshit! schluuurrrrp
One Time I Caused a Ruckus: There was a problem and I had it resolved, it was quite the fiasco
Atonement, You Made War Boring: There's a thin line between smart and pretentious
Undivided Attention: You're not even looking at the movie. Your eyes are closed.
Flash of Genius: What's the difference between 10 and 30 million? A helicopter?
Rescue Dawn: I felt like I was the prisoner of war watching these movies
Don't Mess With the Zohan: You Jews do love disco and hummus
Seven Pounds: Here's my eyes, smell ya later
Andrew W.K.: He turned one song into two albums

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Healthy Communication: I do the Internet for a living, Mom
RACIST: Do you know that you almost got a skinhead tattoo?
Fuck You, Santa: I'm agnostic when it comes to ghosts, but I don't believe in Jesus Christ
Terminator 4: Two thumbs down and two middle fingers up
Porn in Mono: It's happy and angry at the same time
Rock Star Comedians: Get your shit together and be prepared to put out sub par material
Jet Setters: Damn it George Carlin, why'd you have to die before I got to ride in that plane
Rob Performs
Picking On Chicks: A sand dollar? We're moving too fast! Much like this terminal brain cancer...
The Best Singer of The Worst Music: Will it be the gay guy or the other gay guy?
It's Just An Illusion: Kelly Clarkson is a pig
Live Without Regret: Hayden Panettiere is so ironic
Curse and Command: Only Turks and Arabs have bad words in their language
Bros 4 Ever: A prison tattoo without the prison, I predict a successful future
On The Lamb: Live it up for $2,000. Hire a lawyer for $1 million. Then go to prison.
Nigger Picnic: We all enjoy chicken and watermelon!
Picking The Winner: I wouldn't trust James Harrison with a pit bull, let alone a son.

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