1142: Uplifting

Show Notes

• — Asian Fusion: Apple pie for dessert?! Only in New York
• — Transhumanism: It's like downloading your brain into a hard drive so you can live forever
• — Smoker's Stench: We invited Faceboy to walk with us, but he started smoking, so I put Chemda between us
• — Your Roots: I think my father tried to be a priest, but who knows, I could just ask him, but I'm not going to
• — Your Religion: You'll always be Jewish, you cannot escape. A war might come some day, and we'll need you.
• — Dirty Jokes: My mom hates most of my material but she is very very supportive of my anal sex jokes
• — Religion And Politics: Whenever I would get in trouble for quitting sports, I would bring up how my dad quit the priesthood
• — Relatable Monks: I don't have ninjas watching over me while I watch a brook make noise
• — Speaking In Tongues: I have an aunt who's been having fainting spells in Church from the Power of God
• — Close-Minded: Dumb people don't get into religion, religion makes people dumb
• — Honest Living: You ate at Eat n' Park park, you worked at Eat n' Park, you die the manager of Eat n' Park
• — Family Honor: My grandparents handed out fliers at church to see me tell jokes about my girlfriend's vagina. They were kicked out of the church they were part of for 30 years.
• — Night Calls: They had me do stand-up while two girls were eating each other out
• — I Demand A Recount: Chemda only likes retards and funny voices. She hates smart people
• — The Waldorf Astoria: Jeremy won the $200 brunch buffet, now he's got to find a date, womp womp
• — Public Laughter: Don't laugh outside, the wind carries things and the neighbors might hear you
• — Banned From KATG: Ex-Intern Mike banned me on Twitter and then wanted to open for me at my stand-up show
• — The Oscars: Rough year for films, all these movies are boring. If I say I hate Precious, then I am pro-abuse.
• — How To Never Look Fat Again: Over 1,000 ways to dress thinner without dieting
• — Fight Back: 88% of people said 'defend yourself when you get mushed with a water bottle'
• — A Fuck-Up To Follow: Mike Tyson is going to be on Animal Planet with his birds
• — Mission Impossible: Peter Graves is dead at 100 million years old, he was in Airplane!