I'm pissed ... but you're missed - 24
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Reply to:
pers-513891388@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-19, 1:23AM CST
Remember what it means when there's a "but" in the sentence? Of course you do, because you're the one who told me!
So, let me start off by saying that I'm pissed off. I'm pissed at YOU and I'm pissed at myself. I'm pissed at you because you won't fucking write me back. You won't call me back. You disappear for days or weeks at a time with no indication of what's going on in your life. You could be dead for all I know. What the fuck? If you don't want to talk to me, FINE. Please, have the decency to put my mind at ease somewhat and say "hey, I got your pathetic attempts at appearing calm and indifferent on my message machine, but guess what, I just don't want to talk to you right now." Or something like that. I may not like it, but at least acknowledge my lame attempts to continue communication with you.
You know I'm incredibly patient. INHUMANLY patient. I have the capacity to understand and give distance and intuitively sense your inner turmoil through my dreams, and to do it with my eyes closed and hands tied behind my back. So, it irritates me that I'm becoming impatient. I so badly want to know and understand you to the point where I have no angry, jealous, anxious and sad feelings toward our situation. Just an easy, knowing sense that deep down underneath, everything will work itself out. I'm pissed that I'm losing faith in my unyielding belief that me loving you and loving you and loving you will make it ok. Why can't my love make it ok?
I am also pissed at my continued reliance on self-induced self-pity. I don't want to ever ever ever forget you, so I bring up feelings and memories of us, and instantly feel close to you through bouts of hysterical crying and rolling myself into a miserable ball of loneliness. I feel like if I lose this ability to have hysteria/depression over our distance, I'll lose it all. I'm not ready to do that. But I also don't want to love my own misery more than you.
The only reason I'm functional now is that I have distractions. Namely, work, 40+ hours a week at something new that requires all my focus. How long will it be before this distraction isn't enough anymore? By then, will you have had enough time to yourself to let me know something concrete? Right now I know I can't hold on, but I can't let go either.
I compare all my interactions with people since I met you to the relationship and connection we have. Nothing can compare to it. I feel like a stranger - the cynical, condescending bitch who won't eat any of the food - wherever I go. I miss you so much. I thought by now, that I would feel better about the whole thing. While I am now able to perform my functional daily tasks, I ache and hurt all the time. My laughter is forced, smiles are distant. I wonder if people can see through it. I crave our authentic conversations.
I am also mad at myself for posting this here instead of mailing you directly. This is partly out of the fact that I know you treasure your space - sending you this would definitely invade that, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize the tenuous connection we still have. I'm living in fear of losing you - that's pretty much it. It's quite selfish. I want to respect your space because I love you and want to do my damndest to meet your needs, but I'm also acting out of fear.
I had to vent, and what better venue than the good old CLMC that I scan everyday like I have fucking OCD, looking for something that you might have posted for me along these same lines? We met on CL... why not bare it all to a whole city of strangers through the same site?
Clues:
You: of the male variety, blond, gorgeous, hemp-wearing, raw plant-eating weirdo.
Me: femalian, boy's haircut, green apron wearing grocery tool.
I'm from WA, you're from MN.
Fuck you I love you!