[djoh615893]

I was about 12 or so when a douchebag that annoyed my brother and I was being particularly annoying. We decided that we should tell him that we were going to pick up some cigarettes, and along the way I elbowed him in the face out of nowhere which sent him landing on his back and bleeding from both of his nostrils. Being that it was late at night, when he ran to the closest establishment, the grocery store, the night cleaning guy was confronted with a 12 year old bloody kid banging and screaming on the glass about someone chasing him. The kid didn't get let in, and the guy got to watch us tackle the dude down and beat his ass some more.

I'm not sure if this was our fault, but my brother and I beat this dude's ass constantly for talking shit (I'm talking, at least 5 years) and he turned out to be flaming gay. He would come into the restaurant we worked at and make out with his boyfriend while they waited in line. People would stare, and this was downtown Phoenix where weird was a constant state of affairs. We often reflect on beating that dude into gayness.

I was tripping on acid and took a shit on someone's car hood while they watched from a house window, in the middle of the day. It fucked up the paint job.

I was the driver of a getaway car when we drove up on some asshole who stole shit from a buddy, and tagged him with a 5 foot long fighting staff while going 45 mph right in the back of the head... HARD! I watched him face-plant right over his handlebars.

Some asshole shot me with paintballs while I was on duty as an MP, so I dumped a can of pepper spray into his A/C vent as he sat contently in his room thinking he had escaped me. Asshole. That shit doesn't come out of fabric easily (the pepper spray).

I took a shit in someone's bookbag, tossed it into their locker, super glued the handle, hinges, and frame shut. Then I put a big fucking master lock it. I have no goddam idea how the hell they ever got that open, but it took a few days to accomplish and the insane yelling about the giant dump in the bag was worth the effort. It was grand being an immature 13 year old bored kid in a small town.


Sweetest revenge: A fucking bitch of a woman took advantage of my friends and I. Allow me to explain. We were talked into helping this bitch pick rocks from a field for an old woman in Montana. We all went out over a 4 day weekend and worked like slaves for the promise of $20 each person per day. 2 months later, we still hadn't been paid so I called the state board of labor and reported her ass. Ten days later, I had a check for myself and all my friends who had helped. We cashed the check and were happy. The money had been pulled by the state from her checking account, and she missed rent and a shitload of other bills, as well as not being able to buy food for herself or her many cats that she kept. She called me all pissed off and ranting on about what a horrible person I was. Being a 15 year old, I of course didn't give a fuck, and said nothing until she had worn her fat self out, and only said "You should have paid us", before I hung up on her.

I used to get pissed off at this mouthy cunt who would yell insults at me as she whizzed by on her bicycle ( I was 12) and could never catch her. Instead, I loosened the nuts on her front tire, and she got fucked up going off a curb. I remember her getting stitches on her face. I also remember the insults having stopped. I don't deal well with insults when I'm in puberty. Thank god that passed long ago.

My most endearing memory will be being insulted at McDonald's when I was working alone in the burger making section, and taking off my hat and shirt during the afternoon rush and dropping it in the french fry oil right in front of some really high placed management people who were there for an inspection or some such crap. The looks were gratifying as I walked out yelling "You can all suck my fucking cock!" Then my friend followed along, dropping his hat and name tag into the nugget fryer. My brother said some shit about how what I did was really costly to the place and embarassed the shit out of the manager. Fuck that bitch.

I have some more, but they were due to using meth so I'm not posting it up. It's really fucked up shit and I surely affected some lives in a meaningfully negative way.