Quote:
Originally Posted by evadwolrab
Are you still doing this?
Just before summer I met a girl who I thought was absolutely fucking perfect for me. We're into all the same shit, we had the same crappy sense of humour, and could hang out for days and never get bored of each other or feel uncomfortable in any way. Since then, the sex has stopped ("I just don't ever feel horny"), there's no affection whatsoever (unless I actually ask for it, which in itself makes me feel utterly pathetic) and I just generally get the feeling we're only together because there's no great reason to split up.
The thing is all the weirdness is coming from her part, I still want to be cuddled up in bed making out and being the awesomest friends, whereas she seems like she just wants to be friends. The lack of any sort of affectionate stuff (not even hugs are initiated by her) is really getting to me, and every few nights I'll go crazy with paranoia and go to bed seething and convinced she's fucking her ex but for some reason hasn't told me.
I've told her the sex thing is an issue, I've told her the total lack of of warmth and stuff from her side is an issue, and her response is generally "OK, sorry". What the fuck do I do with that? Ultimatums will only make her feel pressured and less comfortable, but I don't want to be in a loveless relationship. I'm 24 years old!
Normally I would just say "fuck it", and move on. But three months ago it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Since before Christmas it's just turned cold. We still get on OK but there's no "electricity" or whatever. I need some fucking pheromones in my life!
I don't know what to do. I've tried saying something, and it's been going on so long that if I just grabbed her now and started making out with her and making moves, it would just be awkward. Three months in it seemed like everything was perfect and this girl would possibly turn out to be one to take back to the parents, but 6 months in it's like we've been married for 50 years and don't even remember how our jiggly bits work. ARRRGGH!
This is probably the only place I can say this shit without her seeing it.
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There's a lot of factors in sexual life. Depending on how long it's been between fucks, this could be a downswing that will turn back up, and probably wax and wane throughout your relationship, or it could be the beginning of a long drought.
Are you just mentioning "gee honey, it's been a while, and why don't you hug me anymore?" or is this a formal discussion? Because I think if you're hinting, or saying things in passing and there isn't any change it is time for a "do you have time to talk, this is starting to bother me, I love you and I don't want our relationship to end" kind of discussion. Don't be mad for this discussion, if you're having a hard time doing that, it might be a good idea to write out your feelings in a letter to her, or just as a way to organize your thoughts ahead of time.
If you've also had the formal discussion and she seems unresponsive or unwilling to change, there's a larger issue at hand. She's not respecting your feelings. I'm not saying that she has to have sex or cuddle with you, but I am saying that people in a relationship do well when both parties are respectful of each other and listen to each other. Make sure you're listening to her too. Maybe she's telling you a legitimate reason for the drought, but you aren't hearing it.
Ultimately, you are the one that makes the decision on whether it's worth it to stay. Breaking up with a girl because you're sexually incompatible is not a scumbag thing to do, especially if you're kind and respectful to her during and after the breakup. Some people are just better friends than they are lovers.
If you decide to stay for now, or if you decide to end it, don't be a douche bag, but also make sure that you know what you need out of a romantic relationship. Maybe she's such a cool chick that you're okay with her being cold and sexually unavailable. Don't get bitter because she's not providing for you when you aren't providing for yourself, or you don't articulate your needs, or she told you that she couldn't be that for you and you didn't listen.
You said ultimatums will make her uncomfortable, but sometimes the other partner doesn't have to know about it. Make a decision to wait for x amount of time after your big deal discussion and see if anything changes, if nothing changes by then, it probably never will. It may sound cliche, but a break-up is only a failure if you don't learn something from it.