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Hmm. Never really got what it was exactly, but mostly it was the fact that i invested so much of my heart into something (I wanted to marry. nuff said) and that it disappeared in a blink, without an explanation or even a red flag. She just got tired and burnt the bridge without even thinking twice.
So i got insecure about myself (and having super-cynical friends that loved to say "She jkust found a bigger dick, hahahaha" didnt help. Let alone my father that promptly commented "Of course you fucked it up. You alkways fuck up."), my way of dealing with people (not only girls). I thought that maybe i was giving too much, that i had to become harder and colder (again a wise daddy thought "Women respect you if you treat them like shit"), that i put her under too much pressure, that i humiliated myself and came out as a wimpy doormat.
I thought i had been an idiot by letting someone else be the center of my life. After she was gone, i couldnt find my life anymore. Everything was linked to her.
So i turned into a prick. I had relationships but never really got involved deeply with anyone. It wasnt an improvement but it made me feel protected. And being the asshole, sometimes made me feel stronger.
Then, after alcoholism, drugs, suicide attempts and therapy (not totally related), i met a girl who litterally gave everything she could to make me happy. And i loved her somehow. It didnt last, because she had to deal with too much shit, moodswings and bitterness but she changed me back. And now i'm in a partially functional relationship, and somehow, a happier person.
I still think that a bad moment could push me back there, but i feel stronger.
Waaah.
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