[mcbane89]

I'm not a big drinker, but I seem to have a pretty high tolerance, so I figured that I would be fine when I went all "Leaving Las Vegas" at a New Years party about 12 years ago. It sort of turned into a much more boring version of the video "Smack My Bitch Up", where I was outside my body watching as I did all of this stupid, retarded, shit. But instead of fighting, going to raves, and using very high end production values, I ended up throwing drinks, yelling at some fat chicks that I understood them "because I need love too", vomiting in the yard of a shitty apartment, and then passing out. Luckily for me I remember it all, I found out that I do not black out. I've kept my shit in check after that, as my friends were not pleased.

And slightly off topic, but I have to mention that I laughed hysterically when Keith made the joke about just putting a rock in a bag and selling it to morons, because it took me back to my days working at Best Buy where customers used to fill television boxes with rocks to mimic the weight of a TV. Now, before you think the customer was the moron I was referring to, no, they always got their money back, as no one would check the boxes to see if the actual TV was inside it. This happened so often that they had to make it policy to open the boxes of any returned product to make sure that the item was actually in it. That was too bad, because there was nothing funnier than seeing someone try to explain why they gave a guy $500 for a box of rocks. But, to be fair, Best Buy was by far the dumbest place I've ever worked. Some of my other favorite memories:

- Their employee incentive programs. Now, you may be thinking these would be things that would give employees an incentive to work, well, you would be an idiot. The incentive programs consisted of 'Dog and Bone', a game where the best selling department got a life like dog plush toy, and the worst selling department would get a chew toy bone. Not to keep, mind you, they would be rotated each day... or until they mysteriously disappeared. In unrelated news, my dog loved her new dog toy and chew bone. The other was 'Lemon' where the worst selling employee in a given department had to carry around a Lemon until they made a sale, and it had to be visible. Nothing was better than seeing a customer go to ask you a question about a product, have them see the Lemon, and then watching the mix of confusion and awkwardness creep into their faces as they would invariably ask "Wh.. why are you holding a Lemon"? I would never give an actual reason, I just acted like I liked holding a Lemon.

- Monthly meetings. These were mandatory, and every Saturday before we opened. These were pretty standard meetings, as nothing ever got done. The best part was is they made it know they were MANDATORY, and bad, baaad, things would happen if you missed them. Well, one day I slept in and missed one and what happened is I got written up. I was then told if I got written up for the same infraction 3 times in one month, I would be fired. I asked him to clarify, because it sounded like he had told me I would be fired if I missed 2 more monthly meetings this month. He replied yes. I never went to another meeting, and was long gone by the time they changed the policy.

- Crazy customers. This lady was by far my favorite crackhead. She stuffed a radio box under her shirt, and tried to walk through the front door claiming she was pregnant, but I'm thinking the square-shaped fetus gave away her ruse... too bad Spongebob hadn't come out yet, maybe they would have bought it then. Anyway, as soon as they tried to detain her she promptly whipped out a taser and went after the security guards. The main guard had to divert his attention to her taser-hand, and when he did that she spun and bit him on the shoulder so hard that she drew blood. They ended up having to take her to the ground and basically sit on her writhing and screaming until the cops came, handcuffed her and tossed her in the back of their cruiser. I believe the security guard had to get rabies shots, but that could be an urban legend my brain added after the fact though.

Man, sometimes I miss that job...