Thread: 1436: Paranoid
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
Snarky
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 54
I never really knew wtf was wrong with me, but this show diagnosed me. I'm a watcher. I'm slowly growing out of it, but since I was a kid, I was a bigtime watcher to the point where I would not respond if anyone asked me a question. I was often thought of as stupid b/c I would never respond.

I don't know where the social anxiety comes from, b/c both of my parents are very social. I always sat by myself and watched everyone else. I still find myself doing that, it's like second nature. I have to force myself to engage in conversation, but I do enjoy interacting with people.

While I find skipping out on about 80% of social interaction until I was about 19 very strange, I also think it was a really good learning experience. I still don't want to go out and party, I'd prefer to keep it at home. One negative aspect is that I have a general dis-taste towards almost everyone when I first meet them. It's like you don't start out with a clean slate. I hate you from the beginning, and then you have to prove you aren't a douche. It's very strange, and I'm doing my best to not be that way.

I'd also like to touch on the anxiety portion of depression. I don't think I'm depressed per-say. But I do think that having such terrible social anxiety, and seperating myself from almost everyone except my boyfriend at the time, that I started to feel depressed. I guess that's what happens when you don't balance your life out. Then the depression lead to panic attacks, which made me think I was dying, which lead to several months filled with me laying in bed thinking it was the last day I'd be alive. When I look back at my childhood it's an emotional rollercoaster of confusion.

Growing up is crazy, but I do think I'm much more observant than the majority of my friends. Maybe that why I use comedy as my buffer. It's hard for me to take things seriously, because life is just one big joke. I'm fine with that though, because I deal well with stress pretty well that way. I can't say it's healthy, but it works.
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