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Marina, I am shattered by this post, it is so well articulated. How your mother produced a woman of your caliber is beyond me. There is really nothing anyone can say to someone who has gone through systematic abuses like you have. They have done studies on the human brain of people who were abused and neglected like you were and it has physical consequences where the brain doesn't develop in certain areas because of the abuses.
The fact that you have come so far from such parenting shows true depth of character, grit, determination, self preservation...you have a lot to offer. You know "things" happen to people, people die, jobs are lost, illness are endured but what YOU'VE gone through can only be described as long term torture.
After reading this I realize from some of your posts that you expect a LOT from yourself. You expect yourself to react in what you think is the "right way" to react to emotional events But you were never shown how to do that properly. You were taught absolute rigidity, coldness and irrationality and inconsistency. You are working on improving your reactions, in engaging on a level you think is appropriate and I, for one, find that astounding. How many other people would have sunk like a stone. Your own mother did under her parents parenting. She crashed and burned and was actually a far worse parent then her cold emotionally dead mother and incredibly harsh, perverse and abusive father...quite a trick.
I'm judging her, i'm sure that doesn't help...but I am comparing her too, to the woman she produced. You are the epitome of a survivor.
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