[marina]

My parents really affected me. I've overcome a lot, but I still carry them around with me. On the outside, I have a good job, I act responsibly, people like me and I'm in a healthy relationship with a great guy. But every day, in order to make that happen and in order to keep that happening, I struggle against my true nature, which is irresponsible, self destructive and chaotic. All I want to do is to be a good worker, a good girlfriend and a good friend, but because of my abusive grandfather and my drug addicted parents, I frequently find myself in uncharted waters by just trying to live a good life. And I haven't spoken to my mother in 4.5 years. My life was actually more comfortable when I still spoke to her, since I feel so much more at home when I have some chaos in my life. Now that I don't have that, I've kind of been going crazy by myself, but I know that I'm healthier, even if it's uncomfortable. I've been in a 12 step program for 13 years and I'm trying to work it out in therapy as well.

EDIT: This was written on a very bad day. I'm actually not that desperate, although I do maintain that they have affected me. I just can't leave this here without qualifying it.