I think your cardinal mistake is you're asking for dating advice from chicks. They're the prey. Do you ask a gazelle how to hunt gazelle? NO, you go to the tiger. So go to the fat dude and ask him how he does it, then apply those tactics and win.
PS, Vinny smushed two lesbians on the last Jersey Shore and he isn't even that tan, so there's hope for you and the comic book chick.
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