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Old 07-18-2013, 08:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
BrianAlt
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Northern NJ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myq View Post
Thanks Brian! Would have been happy to have you in the conversation. In fact, now you are! What do you have to say for yourself?
I also grew up in a largely female centric family. I lived in a two family home. The other family was my mother's sister (my aunt) and her family. Both families had 2 boys and 2 girls. My grandmother moved in with us in my early teens.

That sounds pretty balanced, but it wasn't. My dad often wasn't around much, he was off working. My uncle was off doing whatever he was doing. So it was regularly my grandmother, my aunt, my mother, my older cousin (female and 10 months younger than me), my sister (3 years younger) and me. My younger cousin is male, but he isn't much of a heavy thinker.

So I was often at the table with five other women. I feel like I got a pretty steady dose of the female perspective. My aunt was a very outspoken woman and very funny. (Side note: she died a year ago after having Alzheimers for many years. Very sad seeing this vivacious woman turn into nothing. In many ways death was a blessing. She was in her early 60s.)

So I've always related to women more than men. In fact, throughout my life I've only had a handful of close male friends. To this day I'm very comfortable sitting around with my wife's friends.

Quote:
And why did you stop having conversations like this just because you were married? Answered all the questions for yourself? What kinds of conversations do married people have? (Or not "married people," necessarily, but you individually at least. Sincere curiosity!)
When I got engaged a guy in my office congratulated me and said, "welcome to the club!" A coworker of mine said to me, "there is no club." And he was right. Men don't really talk about being married. Sure, they jokingly complain about their wives. But no one discusses what it feels like, the emotions, the pains, the struggles of being married. Women may discuss it with other women, but men don't discuss it with other men. And sexuality becomes more secretive. It's just between your wife and you. Talking about it outside of that feels a little like cheating, emotionally cheating.

Several years later, after my daughter was born, that same coworker was adopting a baby. I told him he was right, there was no marriage club. But there is a parents club! People don't talk about their marriages. That's why others are often so surprised when people get divorced. They didn't see it coming. But people do talk about their children. All parents want to know that their kid is at least on track. "Is it okay that my child isn't walking yet at one?" "My baby hasn't rolled over yet, is that okay?" "Oh, your child throws everything all over the room too? Whew, good to know!" I wrote down and counted my daughter's first 100 words! Did she have a 100 word vocabulary before others her age? I wanted to know.

As for all questions being answered, is that ever possible?

Back to divorce. It's remarkable how much I hear about their marriage after they get divorced!

So it's not that I'm unwilling to have these conversations after I got married. In fact I found certain outlets to have these conversations. It's just not as readily accessible, or comfortable, or to a certain degree acceptable.

Thanks for giving me an outlet to express these things.
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You could be a terrorist and I would still continue to love you very, very much.
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