[graceless]

TRIGGER WARNING*

Gracie from the letter here. Just wanted to clarify somethings!

My relationship was a weird one for sure. We didn't know each other very long before I became pregnant and decided to do this co-parent thing where we weren't technically together, but we lived together. He had many relationships with other women, but would freak out when I would try to move on. The abuse started out verbal, telling me how fat and ugly I was and how unwanted I would be to others since I had stretch marks from being pregnant. Everything I said was stupid to him. LOTS of being called stupid and eventually that moved into being called bitch and cunt all the time. He abused my finances, he abused my caregiving, he would drive my car drunk without my knowing, he would try to starve me so I would lose weight, he would have sex with me when i was asleep and it wasn't wanted, he was mean to our son, he would spit on me, and then the physical stuff started. He would pinch and bite me and punch me to be "funny". Out of anger, the abuse greatly increased. I would be covered in bruises, show up at work, my coworkers would stare questionably at them, and I would smile and just say "I like rough sex is all! Don't worry about it." Anyone who saw us together knew something wasn't right. He was very bossy to me in public, would tell when to stop eating, would cuss me out in front of family and friends, sometimes for not putting the dishes away properly or for getting our baby's bottle ready too "slowly".

He is a very handsome man, much older than me, I was not even 20 when I got pregnant. I was scared and would listen and believe whatever he said because I didn't know what else to do. I felt very brainwashed towards the end. Because of his looks he was very popular and had many friends, but wouldn't make it possible for me to have friends. He cut me off from friends and family. And the fucked up thing is, I had no idea I was being abused. I just figured this was what having a kid with someone was like. For someone so handsome, I see pictures of him and am repulsed. He haunts my nightmares and I hope that someday I will be strong enough mentally to not be afraid anymore.

I am in extensive therapy still. I hope that anybody who reads this can take from it that, if it feels wrong in your gut, if you are miserable, if you know it's not right but cant believe its abuse because abuse only happens to OTHER people not to YOU, just know you aren't alone. I felt like he controlled my life and it might seem obvious, but only I control my life. And only you control yours.

Sorry for all the "yalls" in the letter. I thought I had weaned myself off from saying them, but I have lived in the boondocks for several months now and its crept back up on me!