Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparrow
which i disagree with SO MUCH as a somewhat childlike woman. being into me isn't a crime or reason for suspicion. infantalizing Maggie Gyllenhaal's character made my hackles go up. being awkward, spending time in a place to get well, or self harming doesn't negate agency, consent, or legality.
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thank you. i missed an episode and listened to the one with jessie jowelles on the way to my therapy. glad i did it on the way to therapy. cuz wow, that cut me to the quick.
as a (reformed) cutter, a masochist, someone whose been hospitalized for self harm, a sometimes lil, a receptionist(ie secretary), and in general someone who has worked almost exclusively in the service industry, when i saw the secretary at like 20 or 21 i related to maggies charactor so hard. every shitty food service or retail job i've had an abusive boss and abusive customers. if i could get a spanking instead of verbal abuse i'd take it. I guess Chemda has some points. I'm thruroughly fucked up. like i don't want to be alive. like i know for some reason i don't know why, i'm unable to find anyone who really loves me or can handle me, or cares about me enough to put up with me. i don't know why all of my relationships fail and why men keep hurting me and i keep hurting myself. so maybe i don't know maybe she has a point.
but i KNOW my life is not a fairy tale.
No prince is coming. no one is coming. so the idea of having someone come into my life and say i ll decide for you. if you want punished thats what you'll get, if thats what you'll need. and tho it was clumsy, when he lays her down in the garden and makes love to her that seemed to me a visual metaphor for nurturing, of eschewing the schackles of conformist domesticity and saying we are not only animals but more, and i will nurture you and you will nurture me, with our own brand of love. it meant something to me.
but then again, i don't want to be alive. and i'm proud of my shit in a bag.
fuck i let a guy fuck me in the ass on our first date and he doesn't even rememebr me. so maybe keith is right, maybe i'm boring.
i don't know. whatever. i still love you keith and chemda. sorry if i over shared.
and sparrow, gee whiz. i'm so jealous of you having a unicorn! also...what a lucky unicorn!
*****please don't hate me guys i love you******