Thread: 1: Day 1
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Old 05-09-2020, 11:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 85
Loved listening to you talk to your sibling about your experiences! I feel like our experiences are aligning a little. I have a sister 8 years younger than me that I couldn't bond with well because our Narcissistic mother made her the golden child, so she was raised with a lot more opportunity and gifts. The generosity tricked her into thinking our Mother's emotional abuse wasn't that bad because she had nice things in life.

But as time went on and my sister did not agree with my mother's racist, conservative, and religious thoughts....things started changing. My mother started putting her down and convincing my sister she was a problem child as a way to maintain control. Then when I started to go no contact with my mother, that further fucked with my mother's brain... so she focused more of her negative energy on my sister.

Last year has been amazing for me because our mother finally started going too far with my sister and I was able to validate and support my sister when she told me. This resulted in my sister realizing I didn't cut our Mom out of our lives because I'm a cold, heartless person; and that I also don't resent my sister because she was given more than me. I understand that my sister's gifts were still a form of controlling abuse and she as a different type of pain because of it.

Last Christmas I was able to not see my mother for the first time at all(in part thanks to listening to Keith's Dad stories for 11 yrs and my own emotional growth). I think this monumental defiance contributed to my mother going into a narcissistic rage with my sister. Basically, my sister spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after with her. My mother was love bombing her, acting all sweet and caring. But then as they were driving to the mall, our mother made this comment:

"You know, I would prefer if you never have kids...but I've always said it's not up to me. It's your life and your choice."

This is a lie. She's had us all trained from as early as elementary school age to say we are not supposed to have kids until our mother is dead and in the ground. She got a kick out of how people reacted to hearing us say that. So my sister corrects her and tells her basically that. My mother snaps and starts screaming and ranting at my sister about how terrible a person she is. Then they get to the mall and my sister has to pretend like that never happened because all her stuff is at our mother's and she has no car because she's visiting from New York. My mother punishes her the whole day and by being cold and non responsive.

They finally make it home to get my sister's stuff and our mom tells my sister she'll drop her off at her friend's house, but she needs to let the dog out real quick to use the bathroom. After waiting 45 minutes in the car, my sister goes into the house to see our mom watching tv. My sister was 26 and this was the first time she had been made to feel so powerless and disrespected as an adult. So she tells our Mom she's calling a Lyft and this results in another rage. Our mom tells my sister she doesn't like her, that my sister sucks the joy out of people, and that my sister is pretending to be someone she isn't by dating a well off guy. My sister laughs in her face and goes to leave and my mother actually tried to physically block her, but wasn't successful. So she slammed and locked the door behind her.

Then three months later she called my sister and said "So, why haven't you been talking to me?"

MY SISTER'S MIND WAS BLOWN and she said nothing in disbelief. I think our mother's brain freaked out and decided to change the subject to protect itself from the reality it glimpsed, so she started talking about whatever without a response from my sister. She talked for 20 minutes with my sister barely saying a word and then hung up. I pointed out to my sister that our whole lives, we had to accept her moods because we were powerless, so it makes sense to her when our mom is over something, then she thinks we should be too.

My sister plans to confront her about this behavior being unacceptable and setting boundaries if they will continue to have a relationship, but wants to do it like a respectful adult in person. So that, and the fact that it feels terrible to think about, is why it hasn't happened yet. Our mother is trying to bait her and me into a regular relationship again and has tried to use Covid 19 to do so. My sister fell for it and told me to not beat her up for responding to the texts. I told her I understand how hard it is, but don't feel guilty. If our mother cared at all about us, she would have brought up and apologized for what she did after Christmas. She also wouldn't have ignored me when I told her my Dad had cancer. All she cares about is us falling into line like we used to always do without her being responsible for her actions and she sees Covid as something we would feel bad for ignoring. Which my sister did, but I wasn't. I am working hard to help my sister not feel bad about her emotional struggle and to help her more quickly shake off the conditioning that took me a few years.

I LOVE hearing other people's stories and sharing mine because it validates what I went through and has helped me remove myself being as affected by the abusive behavior. Keep them coming Keith. Try and get all your siblings to share!
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