[Apia resurrected]

And with this funeral my parents had a relapse into not great territory. Encouraged by them being nice and understanding in last months I asked them if they could the dog for the day ( didn’t know when I would be back) That was no problem.
While I was there to bring the dog I told them that I was sad and felt like crying.
This made them pretty mad.
They told me to get it together and that I wasn’t so sad when my grandfather recently died, and that my feelings were wrong basically.

When my grandfather died this year I had lots of ambivalent feelings, because he was a cold person, probably had some mental problems himself and couldn’t connect to anyone. He might have never asked me a real question or talked about even one feeling. My grandmother lived until a few years ago and she managed all the social stuff for him.
When he died he was 90 and wanted to go. I was sad, but also we had no real relationship. Was it my fault? I don’t think so. We left Poland when I was 12 and when I saw him, maybe one a year there was no real talk.

I am in therapy and talked about it with the lady, she said it’s not easy when my parents are often good and than feel threatened by my negative feelings and want to forbid them. If it was only so easy.

I talked with my mother about this incident and it’s somehow ok, but also not because I think they will never change in this.
So I guess some feelings must never be shown to them. Luckily I can tell Mr. Apia and he understands. ( he is also not perfect, just 90% good if you are into introverted nerds, and I am)