I haven't posted since 2009 - the forums back then weren't a safe place for me.
I was a naive young woman caught up in throwing off the shackles of my evangelical upbringing, and it made me easy prey for manipulation and exploitation from the "cool" older guys that I perceived to be friends of the pod. I desperately wanted to be accepted after walking away from my entire community of faith and friends. It wasn't until years later that I started processing how fucked up it all was and the long-lasting trauma it caused. Oddly, the worst of it all was being "catfished" (before it was even called catfishing) into a months-long relationship, and that was done by another woman on the forums. I made exceedingly dumb choices because I wanted to be loved.
Anyways, all that to say - subscribe to BetterHelp.Com using promo code KATG...because I haven't, and this is the first time in 13 years that I've talked about it (It took me years to even listen to the show again, but I keep returning to it because it's such an essential part of how I "grew up.")
But also, and the reason I revived this account, I'm curious if Samantha wasn't in a queer relationship whether Keith and Chemda would have asked more about some of the red flags in Samantha's relationship in a serious manner. I know absolutely nothing of her and her girlfriend's love for each other. She's a grown-ass woman and can make her own choices, and I hope they're extremely happy. However, a combination of things came up that caused me to feel raw and sad for all the young women who get caught up in relationships where they don't see or understand the unequal power dynamics and then go on to accept/justify/normalize it:
- She started dating her girlfriend when she was 19, and her girlfriend was 26.
- They broke up, and the agreed condition of getting back together was that her girlfriend got to keep seeing the people she started dating when they were apart.
- Samantha noted that her girlfriend is, "Absolutely more in charge than me."
- Samantha financially supported her girlfriend in Alabama, but now that they're back in NYC and she's living on her own - with the stress of being unemployed. Is her girlfriend supporting her?
A few additional things would probably seem minor and nitpicky if I wrote them out, but it all made me wish for a deeper conversation. Samantha doesn't owe anybody explanations or justifications for her relationship, and again, I don't know Samantha and her girlfriend. I'm not saying their relationship is wrong or imbalanced; I'm clearly projecting my trauma. But this conversation could have been used as a platform to share why the bullet points I listed are good reasons to take a step back and examine a relationship (no matter the sex or gender of the individuals involved). I wish I had stepped back. I wish the people I trusted had told me it was valid to feel not okay about something.
(PS: I went through my old post history and I'm now dead from cringe. I was trying so hard to be edgy and cool and had no idea how humans should interact with each other. I have pre-emptively cancelled myself.)