1356: Well Enough

[ThePinkSuperhero]

Junkenstein speaks the truth. I think people do confuse depression with being bummed. They don't do that with other diseases- "Hey, cancer patient, I don't know why you're laying there so sad and sickly. I'm sick, too, but I just take an Advil and poof, I'm up on my feet again".

[Junkenstein]

yeah, i think its a hard disease to understand if you never experience it and with internet there's this weird overxposure to every single thought in people's heads. so theres also this spreading of tough dudes who think depression is being "emo" and "gay".

which is bullshit cause an actually depressed person doesnt complain that much or tells it to people. you just shut off an hope to die quickly.

[WonderWoman]

Junkenstein, you really nailed how depression feels I think. I am married to someone who is clinically depressed and who is on medication to treat it. We almost divorced because of his depression after years of marriage and without medication he would probably be dead. Being married to a depressed person is very hard, you see them struggling with everyday life and there is nothing you can do to help them. At first I thought, just get up and be motivated, can't you just be happy? Just snap out of it all ready. We had small children at the time, and our life was great but he couldn't enjoy it because of the depression.I know that he wanted to be in his own life but just couldn't shake the darkness. I finally gave him the ultimatum of going to get help or leaving, it was REALLY bad. He had no ability to engage with us, his friends and spent most of the time in his own sad world. He lost three jobs in 5 years, partly due to his inability to focus on work and get along with others at those jobs. After going on his meds he has said it was like a veil had lifted and he could see his life again. It hasn't "fixed" everything but it has allowed him to enjoy life again and work through his issues without the weight of depression hanging over him. He still has bad days, and his highs are not nearly what they used to be but he isn't practically comatose for days and doesn't get annoyed by everything like he used to. Listening to Lucas was hard because I know that is how my husband felt for years. Lucas, you should at least talk to a General Practitioner and see what they say. There is help out there and you don't have to walk around feeling so alone.

[Blitzgal]

Originally Posted by Junkenstein

it is very very real. has nothing to do with how you normally address stuff, though. i usually pace and have tantrums when im bothered. depression works on a different level.. basically its your brain fucking up on a chemistry level, for any reason, so it doesnt give out the juices its supposed to give. result is that you ara awake and conscious but you dont have the strength to move act or anything else. all you wanna do is sleep, cause when you're alseep, you can feel anything. cant eat, cant move, if its strong enough you piss yourself and dont care.

just to be clear, all this is said cause ive been through it all, not out of goggling. other experiences are probably different. this is what i went through. and at times still go through.

Yeah, definitely real. I never had it as bad as my grandmother, who wouldn't get out of bed for months at a time. It's hard to explain to people who don't suffer from it, but listening to Lucas brought back a lot of bad memories and feelings. It was hard to listen to. Mine has kind of shifted into hypochondria and general anxiety but again mine is fairly mild. I can get past my feelings of anxiety by talking about them and recognizing that it's just my brain.

Also, when I was clinically depressed I didn't go around telling everyone how depressed I was. I didn't even have a word for how I felt and didn't know I was depressed until later. There was a level of hopelessness that I could never describe to anyone with words. I felt like an abject failure at life and that I was wasting oxygen by existing. That I could never achieve anything that would justify my being in the world. My father had died a few years before and I was convinced that my family would be better off if I had died instead of him. The only reason I didn't kill myself is because I felt tremendous guilt about what that would put my mother through.

[marina]

Lucas reminded me of kid me. Kid me was so sad and so stuffed inside myself with no possible way out.

I happened to qualify for a 12 step program that I started going to at the time. I believe it saved my life. Or if it didn't 'save' it, it gave me the chance to live my life like a real human being, and not sad sack of issues drowning in shame and depression.

A lot of people thought that I wouldn't make it without medical intervention, and I didn't want to make it, I didn't want help, it wasn't my choice to start going to meetings. But just like that fat kid in the video, a person has to have that realization that they can, they must, and they will defend themselves (even against their own brain), and that nobody else is going to do it for them.

For lack of a better term, there comes a time to man up and take responsibility for yourself. This often means giving up on your ego and getting help for your shit. Anyone feeling suicidal has to make the choice on their own to die or to live.

This is what I was told: if you're going to kill yourself, you might as well get some help before you do. This was in a 12 step context, so they were talking about working the steps and getting a sponsor, but don't just lay down, try something to save yourself. If it doesn't work out, you can always kill yourself later.

[poingjam]

Life is confusing sometimes. I've felt pretty good since the show on Thursday (since the night before, actually). Part of that is due to all of you for being nice and thoughtful and shit, so thanks. When I get this way, it almost feels like I've been making the whole thing up, like it was an elaborate, morbid fantasy that I lived out to satisfy a craving for drama. I know that's not true, but it's a weird sort of reverse of the depression in that logic doesn't easily break through the complacent, untroubled feeling.

But the bug is definitely back in my ear. Coming down from a good period starts with a feeling like a mosquito buzzing in my ear, not a real problem, no real threat, but it's telling me it's there and taunting me for not being able to swat it away. Over time it gets louder until something turns the volume all the way up and it's a huge, monstrous insect poking holes in my head.

Money is always one of my reasons for not getting help, but I seem to have found a loophole in my own crazy defensive rationalization. If I can find a research study that pays me and helps with my depression, maybe I can get some treatment and stay afloat at the same time. So that's the goal right now.

[asunseeker]

Originally Posted by poingjam

Money is always one of my reasons for not getting help, but I seem to have found a loophole in my own crazy defensive rationalization. If I can find a research study that pays me and helps with my depression, maybe I can get some treatment and stay afloat at the same time. So that's the goal right now.

You might consider looking into some sort of public assistance health care options. You mentioned some job woes and you might qualify for Medicaid. I'm afraid that if the research study does not pan out, it would really be a disappointment. And that is what these systems are for. To help people who are temporarily struggling with things. I think good mental health is as important as good physical health Talking to someone to give you some directions for what ever options seem best for you, i think, would be wise. You might have to work a bit to figure out how best to make this happen, but you seem like a bright guy. And at least it would feel like taking a step forward.

[the_eD]

[Bucho]

Originally Posted by Cretaceous Bob

Yeah, I can't recommend PATV enough, and that episode in particular. I am emotionally stable as shit and I have no problems with depression, but Mike talking about his anxiety issues started to make me think maybe my anxiety issues are something I can take steps to deal with. That episode certainly affected my view of medication in a positive way, anyway.

Glad to hear it Bob. I wasn't even a regular reader of the comic and I haven't played video games for years but since I stumbled across their internet TV show I love those guys.

McNally said his goal with the KATG doco was to make something like it but he never found the central spine to wrap a narrative around, but I still hope someone makes it someday. In a lot of ways KATG are on the trail that Penny Arcade blazed years ago with their provide free content while selling merch, ads and premium content model, except that KATG's challenge was bigger since podcasts are a more involved/costly production than web comics and KATG didn't have a ready made audience (like PA did with gamers).

It seems like they helped a lot of peeps by going public on their own struggles in that episode.

[Aquavelvis]

Originally Posted by poingjam

Money is always one of my reasons for not getting help, but I seem to have found a loophole in my own crazy defensive rationalization. If I can find a research study that pays me and helps with my depression, maybe I can get some treatment and stay afloat at the same time. So that's the goal right now.

That scenario is what got me to get some help with my own depression. I was at a point where I was putting my, then, newborn son to bed then trying to think of ways to kill myself that would be the least messy or shocking for whoever happened to find my body. That's me: suicidal, but courteously so.

I caught a radio ad that a local university hospital was doing a research study on antidepressants and made a spur of the moment decision to check it out. The study was discontinued after a time but enough time had gone by on the study medication to realize that it was helping and, when the study meds were no longer available to me, the hospital gave me 90 days of Paxil and advised me to get with my regular doctor about staying on antidepressants if needed.

Paxil kind of had the opposite effect on my libido than what most people think of. It took next to nothing, even just a flash of a girl's thong as she bent to pick something up, for me to sprout wood and be raring to go, and I would stay that way for a good long while. It got frustrating, though, because, while I was stiff as rebar, I couldn't get off. Eventually I'd just give up and wait for things to subside on their own.

Anyhow, I quit taking it and after about 2 months of doing ok I found myself sliding back into the same state I'd been in before I started the study. Thankfully I had health insurance by then and the doc put me on Lexapro because, at least at that time, it took the least amount of time to start working and had the fewest side effects of any of the available SSRI drugs.

The meds weren't a means to an end for me, just a tool to get me to the point where I could deal with shit enough to make some changes and do what I needed to do to make things more workable. I haven't had any problems with side-effects, but everyone is different.

So anyhow, this thread has been around a while (I'm behind on shows, obviously) and I know calling a hotline isn't a great option if you don't know the person and feel comfortable talking to them. That said, I only know of you from hearing you on the show and reading your posts here and you don't know me at all, but if you want someone on standby, someone who has been/is going through this stuff and who will talk or listen or whatever and will NOT care how frequently you need to talk, PM me and my cell phone number is yours.

- Allen