1436: Paranoid
 

"Something's off, 'cause I don't understand this whole story, and I should be able to. Goodbye."


Mike Sacks

I'm on wellbutrin too! weeeee!:D

My mother struggled with OCD and depression when I was growing up, its funny how a child processes it. I thought it was just normal that the TV had to be on channel 7 before you turned it off, or that everyone had to wait for the phone to ring three times before they answered. I didn’t really realize something was off until I started to spend the night at friends homes. Growing up around it and being genetically predisposed to it, makes it sort of hard to to have at least mild OCD and depression.

I have a mild OCD. None of my compulsions are severe enough or of a nature to negatively affect my day to day or for anybody to really notice if unless I bring it to attention. Who gives a shit if I have to turn clockwise to rinse my hair to protect my Mom or walk/sit always to my companion's left. The obsessions are just annoying and a constant exercise in thought discipline.

The accompanying anxiety, on the other hand, is a struggle. I don't have insurance so thus far I control it with exercise and weed. Keeps it in check most of the time so long as my stress level stays reasonable. If it doesn't, weeeeee Panic Attacks!

It all appeared around age 12 and is a part of me I have to live with. Somehow I find a way to be a normal person and go about my life just dandy fine.

I repeat a lot of things in sets of two or four, particularly little weird movements of my hands. I don't have to, but I feel weird if I don't.

I never really knew wtf was wrong with me, but this show diagnosed me. I'm a watcher. I'm slowly growing out of it, but since I was a kid, I was a bigtime watcher to the point where I would not respond if anyone asked me a question. I was often thought of as stupid b/c I would never respond.

I don't know where the social anxiety comes from, b/c both of my parents are very social. I always sat by myself and watched everyone else. I still find myself doing that, it's like second nature. I have to force myself to engage in conversation, but I do enjoy interacting with people.

While I find skipping out on about 80% of social interaction until I was about 19 very strange, I also think it was a really good learning experience. I still don't want to go out and party, I'd prefer to keep it at home. One negative aspect is that I have a general dis-taste towards almost everyone when I first meet them. It's like you don't start out with a clean slate. I hate you from the beginning, and then you have to prove you aren't a douche. It's very strange, and I'm doing my best to not be that way.

I'd also like to touch on the anxiety portion of depression. I don't think I'm depressed per-say. But I do think that having such terrible social anxiety, and seperating myself from almost everyone except my boyfriend at the time, that I started to feel depressed. I guess that's what happens when you don't balance your life out. Then the depression lead to panic attacks, which made me think I was dying, which lead to several months filled with me laying in bed thinking it was the last day I'd be alive. When I look back at my childhood it's an emotional rollercoaster of confusion.

Growing up is crazy, but I do think I'm much more observant than the majority of my friends. Maybe that why I use comedy as my buffer. It's hard for me to take things seriously, because life is just one big joke. I'm fine with that though, because I deal well with stress pretty well that way. I can't say it's healthy, but it works.

Oh, hypochondria. I have it. I know part of it is having a father who died when I was still young, and every year I get closer to his age when he died makes me just a little more crazy. This week I convinced myself I have a DVT in my leg because it seemed sore. This is after I read the article about the 20 year old gamer in England who died of a pulmonary embolism because a blood clot in his calf traveled into his lungs. Logically, I know my fears are silly, but I still spent yesterday inspecting my leg for swelling and edema every time I went to the bathroom.

I do the exact same thing. My mother in law was diagnosed with cervical cancer a few months ago. The three weeks following, I was convinced I also had it, and I would look up symptoms on the internet. Not a good idea. I can convince myself I have anything, so much so that I can't watch the discovery health channel. :(

Emerald's article: When Reality TV Is Real... No One Is Watching < PopMatters

i only had some sort of OCD side thing when i was really really manic. i had this obsessive idea in my head that i had to do things obsessively as a ritual to please god (i know, i know. i said i was nuts). if i failed those rituals, i would be punished. stareted as a way to gain control on things.

after therapy, it went away. not for the meds but because the therapist explained it was part of the disease and something others had.

Nowadays not only i dont have it, but i hardly feel any sympathy for it. i dont know why.