1975: Ballbag Surprise

[J. Canines]

How filthy are these neighbors that they need a mat in a perfectly clean hallway, that's inside?

What's next? Tiki torches and lawn gnomes??

[WittyReference]

Our upstairs neighbours don't smoke but when they have guests over who do, they don't give them an ashtray. They then throw their butts off the deck all night so the next day they're piled up in the communal court yard. We heard you partying all night. How do you not realise everyone knows its you? And you're a pig.

Off topic - I saw American Hustle and Wolf of Wall Street recently and Keith's reviews were spot on. Man they dragged on. I think it was the Comedy Film Nerds who recently suggested that instead of "Directors Cut" versions of movies we should be able to get the "Editors Cut" version.

[ImStillToni]

Why is there an assumption this douchecanoe neighbor went out and bought an oversized mat?

From personal experience, when i first moved to NYC i was given a cool mat by my Nana...who of course lives in a house and had no idea the mat she bought was more for a house front door than an apartment. Until you live & shop in NYC you do not realize how many items are really made more to cater towards apartment living than a house. I had to use the gift considering I know Nana used one of her thiusand of never expiring Bed Bath & Beyond coupons, regardless of how silly it looked. On the flip side, my hallway was more than double Keith's.

With that said, the size of the doormat compared to the hallway is a little obnoxious.'If you dont have cameras in the hallways, i would cut the mat in half and put it back OR purposely move the mat to different doors late at night just to fuck with the neighbor.

[PsychoLoco]

Originally Posted by ImStillToni

Why is there an assumption this douchecanoe neighbor went out and bought an oversized mat?

Fair enough. Does VistaPrint make doormats? There was another sponsor a while back that made custom houseware, like cutting boards and barbecue utensil sets, do they make doormats? Let's all send Keith and Cat some 30"x30" customized "I live next to a douchecanoe!" doormats.

[WittyReference]

If there's going to be any doormat there at all it should be one that fills the whole space and you both use.

[theycallmepyro]

Just use his doormat to wipe your feet. Also: charge your phone, Keith.

[Jack Bastard]

On the mat issue:
Put yourself in his shoes; you move into an apartment, you're trying to get everything put away, maybe not in it's final spot, but in A spot, you'll rearrange everything after the boxes are unpacked and the TV and stereo are set up, right?

So you have this mat that your mom bought you. Where do mats go? Outside your front door. It's too big but you just moved in and you'll deal with it later.

Or, if no one says anything, you'll leave it right there until you move out. Because you have no idea that it's a problem, because why would you? It's a mat, and no one said anything.

[PsychoLoco]

Now that I look at the photo of the mat again, I think Keith needs to go Putin on the neighbor and escalate the situation. Clearly the tiles in front of Keith's door are bigger than the tiles in front of his neighbor's door. Therefore, if anyone should get the bigger mat, it should be Keith.

Keith should get a mat that covers the tiles in front of his doors and overlaps the neighbor's mat. If the neighbors complain, he should tell them to respect the historical boundaries recognized by the original architects of the building.

[Scumhook]

This mat situation is spiralling out of control. Keith needs to get out in front of it ASAP.

I recommend mounting claymores hooked up to a pressure plate under this divisive mat. Next person to step on the mat gets chopped in half.

When the partner runs out to see what happened, Keith leaps out from his hiding place and stabs them in the eye with a screwdriver.

He then wipes his prints off the screwdriver, pulls out a bag of Danny's shit (which he collected after letting Danny win a bet that he wouldn't shit in a bag) and smears it all over the crime scene.

Wash up. Walk Huggsy. Return to the scene of the crime & act shocked and "accidentally" mention how upset Danny was about the mat.

Yep. It's the perfect crime.

[Carruthers]

Originally Posted by Scumhook

...
I recommend either defecating on the mat and rubbing it in, or drawing a pentagram in pigs blood on it.

Or could nail it to the wall next to the neighbour's door, with a note saying "I think you might have dropped this".