2181: Make-A-Wish

[Nettie-poo]

Originally Posted by DWarrior

I'm just trying to be an effective cog in a complex system. For that, I need to be at my best.

If it works for you, then great.

I genuinely want to make the world a better place, and giving people what they need and taking the time to do it is how I think is the best way for me to do that. I fail at it, a lot, but you know the whole quitters never win thing so I just don't give up.

[Scumhook]

Originally Posted by DWarrior

I need to be at my best.

If this is you at your best, I totally understand why you don't have time for anyone else.

[myq]

Originally Posted by Scumhook

If this is you at your best, I totally understand why you don't have time for anyone else.

ha!

Originally Posted by Nettie-poo

I don't think his happiness is fake. And it sucks to be accused of it, though I'm sure he doesn't let it get to him.

thanks!
i honestly don't care if some people don't know what's going on inside my experience. if you believe me, great. if you don't, who cares!

Originally Posted by Scumhook

Because being nasty is more fun, and because most people are cunts. Grinding their feelings under the iron boot of justice is cathartic.

i understand this idea, but i also thing that putting nastiness in the world, even directing it at people who "deserve" it, also amplifies the nastiness in your own self, and that kindness can also be cathartic. if someone is shitty, sure, you can be shitty back, and now there's just more shittiness. fight fire with fire, i get it. except the way to really fight fire is with water.

i'm not telling anyone they have to be like this, or that it works all the time for me... but here's one small change i've put into effect for me, that hopefully will demonstrate this point... when i'm at a red light and it changes to green, sometime the person in front doesn't go immediately, and people start honking within SPLIT SECONDS. and i understand that. i used to be like that. but i also hate honking. it's loud and startling and i'd rather it didn't happen as much. so, if i'm behind someone and they don't move within three seconds, i'll wait, and usually they'll go. and it's three seconds. and i feel good about not bring more annoying noise into the world. that good feeling to me is worth three seconds, versus the cathartic justice of honking and letting them know how wrong they were, and now everyone gets moving three seconds sooner. THREE SECONDS ARE IMPORTANT! (time's not real.)

that's a very small stakes example. of course there are people that do way worse things than not move right away at a green light. but i think the principle still applies.

BUT ALSO OF COURSE I MIGHT BE WRONG MAYBE JUSTIFIABLE HATE IS THE WAY, BUT I'M GOING TO STICK WITH MY THING.

Originally Posted by DWarrior

It's a nice sentiment, but I just don't have the time to give strangers what they need. Enough people are vying for my time as it is, plus I gotta come here and mansplain Sparrow's feelings to herself.

Lessons I've learned from people taking advantage of me: Take care of yourself first, and it'll empower you to take care of others. Value yourself and your time, nobody else will.

i understand this, but i also think it's a bit of a false dichotomy. i don't think there has to be a hierarchy for caring. you can care take care of yourself and others simultaneously.

of course, i don't know how people have taken advantage of you. i'm sorry for whatever that was. and i'm glad you feel better about how you're living now, and of course, taking care of yourself and then being able to take care of others sounds great.

i just think that it doesn't take extra TIME to be nice to someone. someone does something, and you either respond nicely or not nicely, respectfully or not respectfully. or don't respond at all. but it takes just as much time to be ACTIVELY not nice than it does to be actively nice, doesn't it?

this is now getting fairly theoretical and philosophical and maybe doesn't matter. i guess just for me, being nice to people makes me feel like i'm being nice to myself as well. not that i can't disagree with people or have arguments or what have you (we're kind of having one now), but i don't hate anyone here. unnecessary negativity just seems counterproductive for all involved, to me (though perhaps we disagree on what qualifies as "unnecessary"). anyway, good work, everyone! thanks for all things, all!

[The Girl]

I agree that Myq's happiness is not fake.

Here's the difference in what I'm reading between Myq and Jeannette:

For Myq, his kindness is working in his life. For Nettie it is not.

I don't think you should ignore that.

I relate to this very much. There is a difference between kindness and people-pleasing. Unfortunately, the same acts of kindness can be seen as positive and negative.

I'm not telling Jeannette to be mean. I'm saying to take a step back. Know your intention before you act. You may not be acting in a person's best interest just because you're being "nice".

I know that that sentence might sound odd. It may also be interpreted as "some people need people to be mean to them". That's true but that's not what I'm talking about.

Giving people what they need might mean leaving them alone. Being nice to people means assessing what they need first.

Jeannette, you can't treat people how you want to be treated. Some people don't care for it. That doesn't mean be evil. That means not everyone wants to be friends. And that's ok.

If I can speak for Myq for a second... He's ok because he practices learning what makes him ok. That helps your accessing process get faster. So he knows what he wants/needs faster when relating to other people.

Jeannette, I would love to see you focus on yourself more than making other people happy. You can't change anyone. You can only work on your responses. Right now, you're expressing that they often don't work. So, what does that mean to you?

[Nettie-poo]

Originally Posted by The Girl

Jeannette, I would love to see you focus on yourself more than making other people happy. You can't change anyone. You can only work on your responses. Right now, you're expressing that they often don't work. So, what does that mean to you?

I think you're referring to the first half of my post, and that was...7 years ago? I'm actually pretty happy with who I am, and I don't expect everyone to love me. But I'll put it out there anyway! The only thing I dislike about myself now is that stupid weight that got put on, and that's something I'm working on!

I love you Chemda. I'm grateful you want the best for me! Putting myself out there to pass on some happiness makes me happy. Not like "Yay I did something good" just..I don't know, positive. I still focus on me too. I definitely decompress sometimes!

And I know not everyone has the same needs or enjoys the same things. I do try to feel out situations. Sometimes I'm bad at it, but I'm practicing and learning!

[The Girl]

Nettie, that's awesome. It makes me happy to hear how much you're taking care of yourself. I know your daughter will benefit from it as well.

[myq]

Originally Posted by The Girl

I agree that Myq's happiness is not fake...

...Jeannette, you can't treat people how you want to be treated. Some people don't care for it. That doesn't mean be evil. That means not everyone wants to be friends. And that's ok.

thanks chemda!

i'll just add one thing to your point to jeannette... the best way to treat people is not how YOU want to be treated, but how THEY want to be treated.

if someone doesn't want you to be nice to them how you normally would, then it's nicer to learn how they WOULD like you to treat them. (within the bounds of reason and sensible courses of action. like, leaving someone alone if that's what they want... this is the main reason cat-callers are wrong to be like "BUT I'M GIVING YOU A COMPLIMENT." if the person doesn't want your "nice" "compliment," then it's not nice, definitely.)

love!

[dannyhatch]

It's like, hey DWarrior...oh polyyyyse

Edited to add: Am I right or am I right?

[Nettie-poo]

Originally Posted by myq

thanks chemda!

i'll just add one thing to your point to jeannette... the best way to treat people is not how YOU want to be treated, but how THEY want to be treated.

if someone doesn't want you to be nice to them how you normally would, then it's nicer to learn how they WOULD like you to treat them. (within the bounds of reason and sensible courses of action. like, leaving someone alone if that's what they want... this is the main reason cat-callers are wrong to be like "BUT I'M GIVING YOU A COMPLIMENT." if the person doesn't want your "nice" "compliment," then it's not nice, definitely.)

love!

I said I'm practicing! I'm not usually treating people how I want to be treated...I dont think. Great example is my marriage. I like love and affection for love. He likes time and space (I'm an extrovert, he's an introvert. I don't know, he did a thing). So, hugs and kisses aren't important for him, but I make sure he gets free time away from work and the child.

I *try* to do that for other people too.

[Nettie-poo]

Originally Posted by The Girl

Nettie, that's awesome. It makes me happy to hear how much you're taking care of yourself. I know your daughter will benefit from it as well.

Yeah once she's off the crack she'll be great.

In all seriousness, thanks. I'm sure she will too. It's funny cause she tries to do the p90x3 with me too, and she'll go to the track with me and we hit the playground and I really try to keep her positive but honest. Like she doesn't have to talk to people if she doesn't want to, and try not to be mean while still realizing everyone's different, and all other kinds of parenting nonsense.

I love you guys. All of you. Even the grumpy ones. Unless you dont want it. Then I don't love you.