2660: Code-switching

[Lanfear]

Originally Posted by Hera

I get what you're saying Sparrow except it breaks my heart to hear the tone in Chemda's voice sometimes ... I think Chemda truly wants *some* kind of connection with her mom ... just trying to figure out a way she can get there. Maybe drop the rope but figure out a way to ... just say Hi. Instead of trying to undo all the past hurts etc etc in the first phone call... sometimes 'polite nothing phone calls' are just the first step ...?

I was the one that said "meet her to give it one more try" like Keith mentioned on the show and that came from the same argument Hera is making here.

It sounds like Chemda wants to have some type of relationship and is not fully ready to completely drop it - but only she can decide on that.
Her mom won't change easily and most definitely won't be able to have "woke discourse" via email - honestly that is a lot to ask for from older generation with language barrier thrown in the mix. So it might have to be phone or in person.

[memecherry]

Originally Posted by Jo_Culprit

You only have one life, why would you waste it praying to the alter of your birth canal. Our parents are pre-information age half monkey people, they don't have ownership of us.

What a great way to put it!!!

Parental relationships are relationships

Toxic relationships are toxic relationships

What is the point of "just saying hello" if there is nothing of substance beyond the hello... At that point you have no more of a relationship with a parent than you do with the corner store owner... you probably have a better relationship with the store owner at that point.

Stay strong Chemda, you are living YOUR life in YOUR truth. You already removed a physical toxic object out of your body, emotionally toxic people can be removed from your life too.

[Hera]

Originally Posted by memecherry

What a great way to put it!!!

Parental relationships are relationships

Toxic relationships are toxic relationships

What is the point of "just saying hello" if there is nothing of substance beyond the hello... At that point you have no more of a relationship with a parent than you do with the corner store owner... you probably have a better relationship with the store owner at that point.

Stay strong Chemda, you are living YOUR life in YOUR truth. You already removed a physical toxic object out of your body, emotionally toxic people can be removed from your life too.

I meant 'just say hello' as a starting point. And I'm only arguing about this because it sounds like Chemda really would like some sort of relationship with her mom. She's upset when she talks about it and seems unable or unwilling to just walk away. Her current strategy -- waiting for her mom to change into a more liberal person -- isn't working. That's all I mean.

[Hera]

Originally Posted by Keith

How many first steps does she need?

It depends on how much she really wants to work this relationship out. I'm only posting this stuff because again, it's heartbreaking to see Chemda go thru this, so I'm hoping she can get to some point of resolution -- meaning she can feel good inside about her mom and not so agitated.

[Binkers]

Some things can't be fixed. Some things will never be okay. Of course she'll always wish it were but that's wishing for her mom to be a different person who could accept her for who she is.

[Sparrow]

a starting point to what? there's not a lot healthy gonna pop out of barren soil. the ball is in her Mom's court to further this thing. she's made /no/ effort after Chemda made herself very clear.

[Hera]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

a starting point to what? there's not a lot healthy gonna pop out of barren soil. the ball is in her Mom's court to further this thing. she's made /no/ effort after Chemda made herself very clear.

Well -- I feel like Mrs K made an effort by emailing Chemda and trying to call her, and that is her way of reaching out. Sorry to be arguing with all you guys here, I guess I'm more of an optimist about how relationships can evolve over time. Mrs K is not going to change, Chemda is not going to change, neither should HAVE to change ... but I believe there can be a new kind of relationship forged. Like how it sounds like Keith has come to some sort of workable truce with his Dad even tho he had to dig holes.

[Enunciated Piffle]

Originally Posted by memecherry

What is the point of "just saying hello" if there is nothing of substance beyond the hello....

I agree. Chemda is a podcaster. Not a Walmart greeter.

[memecherry]

Originally Posted by Hera

It depends on how much she really wants to work this relationship out. I'm only posting this stuff because again, it's heartbreaking to see Chemda go thru this, so I'm hoping she can get to some point of resolution -- meaning she can feel good inside about her mom and not so agitated.

Many times walking away completely equals feeling not agitated...

[kevinquinn]

OK, story re "who lost a parent?" My wife justifiably cut off contact with her father in a similarly toxic relationship. He died, she got depressed and has had psychosomatic illnesses for years. I guess my point is, don't think of maintaining surfacy contact as a favor to Mrs. K - it's a favor to future Chemda and future Hennessy. Cutting off contact doesn't change them, and for a few years you can feel justified - but eventually, I believe it'll feel like the wrong decision.