2663: Dante’s Inferno

[jamieking]

Originally Posted by AstoriaGirl

I obviously don't know what your resources or situation is, but it may be a good idea for you to have your own counselor or therapist, separately from the couples counselor.

thank you, yes we both have our own as well, I don't go often but my husband goes 1-2 times a week

[AstoriaGirl]

Originally Posted by jamieking

thank you, yes we both have our own as well, I don't go often but my husband goes 1-2 times a week

Obviously no one here is in a position to give you professional advice, we don't know the situation, and we're all strangers on the internet. But as a stranger on the internet, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm wishing you well and hope that you're safe and happy and loved.

[nerdupyo]

I could have sworn it was Steve Harvey on the show for a minute. He's saying all the same dumb shit that Steve Harvey says. Man up, how to be respectful of your man, how to trick women into fucking you, treat your significant other like a spoiled teenager that you're above instead of an adult worthy of respect. Fuck all of that.

[AstoriaGirl]

Originally Posted by nerdupyo

I could have sworn it was Steve Harvey on the show for a minute. He's saying all the same dumb shit that Steve Harvey says. Man up, how to be respectful of your man, how to trick women into fucking you, treat your significant other like a spoiled teenager that you're above instead of an adult worthy of respect. Fuck all of that.

Exactly. And people that follow this advice wonder why their relationships don't work out. Who are you attracting when you put out those vibes that this is how you conduct your relationships.

[memecherry]

Most of what Dante says makes my eyes roll, but there is one concept I'm down with & I remember writing in my notebook when I first heard him say it:

5 bricks a day

That plus "Channeling my inner Chemda" has helped me SO MUCH this year with the dive into my podcast & photography... So thank you for that..

Now, the misogyny laced, women need to be controlled BS...

I could do without that...

He has a pimp mindset, that is a hard thing to re-wire.

[thirteen]

Whether or not I agree with everything Dante says, he's interesting to listen to.

Some of the stuff he said in this show made sense to me in terms of personal integrity and respecting your partner, but I'm glad Chemda challenged his ideas. A lot of them seem to be based on traditional values. Keeping count of things is very unhealthy. The dynamic between the two of them made the episode a lot more interesting.

It's obvious that Dante attracts a certain type of woman and probably enjoys them in some way. Chemda is awesome, but not a unicorn, as he always claims.

I laughed out loud when he suggested Keith take the cabinet doors off. Sorry, but it's not a terrible idea if you've expressed that something bothers you many, many times and your partner doesn't seem to care. I do see Dante's point about nipping behaviour in the bud as soon as it happens, whether you're a woman or a man. If you let it (whatever it is) go on for too long and it bothers you a lot each time your partner does it, they may not see anything wrong with what they're doing, and it will only make you miserable in the long term. You can work on it yourself and/or go to therapy, but sometimes whatever you asked for is a reasonable request and the other person is just disrespecting you.

Originally Posted by AstoriaGirl

my husband once took my passport instead of his when he had an important business meeting across the ocean, on our anniversary. i had to, at 630 am, taxi to JFK, to get him om his flight in time, and then taxi to work. If i did what Dante said to do, I'd be a huge cunt and my relationship would probably be over.

How is this related to situations Dante was talking about? I'm not trying to defend Dante (oh dear), buuuut...context is everything. Your situation is different because you're married (this isn't early on), and it seemed like your husband made a mistake. It's not something he did on purpose. Right? If it's something that happens often and you've talked to him about it once or twice before, that's entirely different.

[AstoriaGirl]

Originally Posted by thirteen

Whether or not I agree with everything Dante says, he's interesting to listen to.

Some of the stuff he said in this show made sense to me in terms of personal integrity and respecting your partner, but I'm glad Chemda challenged his ideas. A lot of them seem to be based on traditional values. Keeping count of things is very unhealthy. The dynamic between the two of them made the episode a lot more interesting.

It's obvious that Dante attracts a certain type of woman and probably enjoys them in some way. Chemda is awesome, but not a unicorn, as he always claims.

I laughed out loud when he suggested Keith take the cabinet doors off. Sorry, but it's not a terrible idea if you've expressed that something bothers you many, many times and your partner doesn't seem to care. I do see Dante's point about nipping behaviour in the bud as soon as it happens, whether you're a woman or a man. If you let it (whatever it is) go on for too long and it bothers you a lot each time your partner does it, they may not see anything wrong with what they're doing, and it will only make you miserable in the long term. You can work on it yourself and/or go to therapy, but sometimes whatever you asked for is a reasonable request and the other person is just disrespecting you.


How is this related to situations Dante was talking about? I'm not trying to defend Dante (oh dear), buuuut...context is everything. Your situation is different because you're married (this isn't early on), and it seemed like your husband made a mistake. It's not something he did on purpose. Right? If it's something that happens often and you've talked to him about it once or twice before, that's entirely different.

It's relevant because it's not the first time we've had a passport related incident with him. But even if it was, taking something small and turning the dial up to 11, like taking the cabinets off of the doors like a psychopath, or entrapping your wife into missing the flight, like the airport story, does not a healthy marriage make. The wife had the reasonable expectation that the husband had an eye on the time, and that if they were running late, he would say something. Whether it's fair of her to have that expectation is another story. However, if he's going to drop the rope so that she has to pick it up, he needs to tell her that's what he's doing, not manufacture a scenario where she's set up to fail. That's such a dick move. Also, passive aggression never leads to better outcomes. Act like a fucking adult.

[thirteen]

Originally Posted by AstoriaGirl

The wife had the reasonable expectation that the husband had an eye on the time, and that if they were running late, he would say something. Whether it's fair of her to have that expectation is another story.

So she's constantly relying on him to watch the time for her, and doesn't care about his time at all. This is evidenced by her constantly being late. There are two people in the relationship, not one. I get it, I've been there. A while back my partner told me I was being selfish, and I have since made an effort to get ready much earlier.

I understand what you're saying. It's a little manipulative. What are the options?

Some people don't realize the consequences of their actions or don't care when there is someone around to help them figure it out each time or pick up after them. They are disrespecting their partner, and it only makes the other partner resentful, leading to more issues down the road. That's how I see the airport incident that Dante mentioned. When is it not important to keep an eye on the time with you're in an airport as an adult? Most people in this situation would realize that a consequence of not being on time could be missing their flight and the trip that their partner thoughtfully planned out.

Dante's methods aren't right or wrong to me. They just seem like last resorts, or things you'd do before you go to therapy or worse.

[AstoriaGirl]

Originally Posted by thirteen

So she's constantly relying on him to watch the time for her, and doesn't care about his time at all. This is evidenced by her constantly being late. There are two people in the relationship, not one. I get it, I've been there. A while back my partner told me I was being selfish, and I have since made an effort to get ready much earlier.

I understand what you're saying. It's a little manipulative. What are the options?

Some people don't realize the consequences of their actions or don't care when there is someone around to help them figure it out each time or pick up after them. They are disrespecting their partner, and it only makes the other partner resentful, leading to more issues down the road. That's how I see the airport incident that Dante mentioned. When is it not important to keep an eye on the time with you're in an airport as an adult? Most people in this situation would realize that a consequence of not being on time could be missing their flight and the trip that their partner thoughtfully planned out.

Dante's methods aren't right or wrong to me. They just seem like last resorts, or things you'd do before you go to therapy or worse.

I have a bad habit of leaving my bag in the hallway when I get home. I'm sure it bugs the shit out of my husband. I'm working on getting better about it, and I do it less often, but you know sometimes I slip up and forget to move it when I get home, cause I'm in such a hurry once I get home to take care of something.

I know it's a bad habit. I know that I should be adult enough to put by bag away consistently so noone is at risk of tripping. If my husband did the Dante strategy of throwing my fucking purse away, I would pack my shit and never ever ever look back.

[memecherry]

Originally Posted by Apia

Dante is divorced and seems to meet only terrible women.

Keith is still on his first marriage. So no.
Don't take his advice.

*chooses to meet AND date women that don't love themselves enough to not put up with his caveman BS