3612: Burying the Lede w/ Christian Finnegan

[Apia resurrected]

I'm sorry Keith and I hope you can feel the relief.

[Apia resurrected]

I think I would go to the grave after the funeral to say goodbye alone.

[Svage]

Not saying anything you don't already know your dad is horrible etc. Shame on him for making it about himself etc..

She's at peace now. Sorry for your loss Keith

[Steph]

Deepest condolences for your loss, Keith.

It always sounds like you see your mother clearly for who she was. Someone who was an accessory to the abuse your father doled out, sometimes abusive to you herself, but also a victim of your father's gaslighting narcissism. You know how much she loved you, you were good to her in her life, and you seem to have always tried to keep your own connection to her separate from your father. As you said, you said your goodbyes and made your peace the final times you saw her.

Funerals are a ritual for the grieving. If attending the funeral is not supportive for your own grieving/healing then there is no obligation to attend. I think your ability to flout social convention to hold an important boundary with your father is very admirable and makes an important statement about not condoning your father's abuse.

Christian did what many KATG guests do, try to find compassion for your father. Honestly I find myself doing that too. I do sometimes feel very sorry for your father in the broadest sense, in that I am not sure he is neurologically, biologically capable of being different than who he is. He needed some interventions and possibly medications to help him develop normally when he was a child, and he did not get that. That being said, he abused you and your siblings in unforgivable ways, and it is incredibly powerful that you refuse to be manipulated by him anymore. Your mother did not have the chance to do that once she married him, as religious and cultural institutions completely prevented her from seeing a way out once she was recruited into his cult. You honor your mother by not attending, by acknowleging the harm your father did to her, almost until the very end.

I don't know much about the actual process of dying from dementia, even though my grandmother died of this and my husband's father and 2 uncles all developed dementia. Listening to the show I realized this is something I should learn more about, even though it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Thank you for being so open about everything and sharing so much, it benefits me in countless ways.

Sending strength for the weekend ahead!

[Hera Again]

Keith, my sincere condolences. My mom was just put into hospice this week and probably the hardest part right now is the family fighting. So I know what you're going thru. We are also Eastern Orthodox so there's lots of customs. I wish I could just stay in my room until the entire thing is over. So it's yr decision but I agree with Ken. Do it for the comfort of your siblings if nothing else. It makes you look like the bigger person to avoid drama and just go. No one will see it as a win for your dad

[Keith]

AVOID the drama by going TO the drama?

[Hera Again]

Originally Posted by Keith

AVOID the drama by going TO the drama?

It's only drama if you make it that way. You're the adult, your dad is the kid. Don't let him get to you

[Keith]

There’s only drama if I make it that way. Hm. Interesting.

“There won’t be drama, my son, if you simply decide not to have drama. I CERTAINLY see NO WAY that I can control YOU.”

[littlp]

Originally Posted by Hera Again

It's only drama if you make it that way. You're the adult, your dad is the kid. Don't let him get to you

The problem is that Keith can’t physically stand his dad due to all of the abuse and gaslighting. And his dad knows this. His dad will keep pushing and pushing until Keith literally couldn’t stand it anymore. Keith knows his limits. Father MAlley has zero limits.


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[Hera Again]

Originally Posted by littlp

The problem is that Keith can’t physically stand his dad due to all of the abuse and gaslighting. And his dad knows this. His dad will keep pushing and pushing until Keith literally couldn’t stand it anymore. Keith knows his limits. Father MAlley has zero limits.


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Why play the victim? Keith was victimized as a kid but now he is grown and successful. He made it in nyc for god's sake! Why let a pathetic little man continue to push your buttons. Keith was damaged I think, but he has balls of steel. I hope he finds his way thru this.