388: Fart; burp!

[safetyguy]

i'm drunk right now, that's why i'm writing this shit. no pun intended

i'm bi-polar and have depression at the same time, going on 12 years.

i've been on all sorts of med's, but this is the worst ever.

currently, 1200 mg of lithium, 300 mg of bupropion sr., 100 mg of fluvoxamine, and 15 mg of imovane.

i have'nt had a shit for 6 days.

i sat on the toilet for 1 hour and nothing. all of sudden 2 little round ball's of shit come out. and thats all I get for the pushing and grunting.

every time i go to push one out i feel sick, when that happens my ass starts to rip and kills me. so i try to remain claim.

i yell to my wife to get me a ready to go enema from the drug store. It seems like its taking forever.

during his time I jump into the shower, hot water running thinking I can do something on my own. I pour hair conditioner on to my ass thinking that it would lub it up enough too slide out. wrong. Im in so much pain that I start talking to GOD, to forgive me for all my past sins. I dont believe GOD in the first place, its surprising what you will say under duress. any way I managed to get 2 more little balls of shit out my ass and toss them into the toilet bowl, got one in and missed the other.

she opens the door and hands me the package 40 minutes later. i tell her leave, I dont want her too see me like this. (on my back in the tub). i see this horrified look on her face, I feel like i'm the elephant man..

I cant read the fucking instructions because I dont have my glasses. got them. the diagrams are killing. since I have to do it my self, it recommends that I lay on my back, knees raised to my chest and insert.

no choice.

long tube with a bottle full of clear liquid.

Im trying to stick in my ass and it wont go. Rock hard blockage. This goes on for what seems to be forever. I finally get it in, and squeeze that fucking bottle as hard as I can. I can feel it, strange but true. Thinking I finished the whole bottle I pull out. Im shocked, only a third was gone. FUCK. Back I go twice, done. I stand up, and I feel leakage down my leg so I lay back down (in the tub) for about 10 minutes.

I still feel blocked, so Im spissed off. I stick my finger in my ass to dislodge 2 more clumps of shit and decide to sit on the toilet. I never thought I could do this (stick my own finger in my ass let alone a dildo, Keith).

Another 5 minutes I felt the urge too push. It fucken hurt. It was at least 3 inches in diameter and long. It was a double flusher. The whole ordeal took 2 hours and 18 minutes. There is no way man can give birth to a child.

I lost 11 lbs since; eat a lot of bran cereal, drink prune juice and gallons of water.

My worst shit ever.

[TimJacobs]

oops lets edit that

[mypersonalgetaway]

that makes you gay

[Gunderling]

Years ago, when I worked in a nursing home, it was common practice to "dig someone out", i.e., put on rubber gloves and dig out their hard poop. By the time I started working there they didn't allow Nursing Assistants to do it (yay!), only the LPNs could do the digging.

I remember one sweet old guy having a hard time on the toilet and he whispers to me, "Just get me a glob of Vaseline. Takes care of it every time." The nurse wouldn't let me give it to him -- b*tch.

[Gunderling]

Originally Posted by spaceboy

A friends father went in to the hospital with "constipation" he died 10 days later.

Sad. Good health begins in the colon, fo sho. Probiotics people, probiotics.

[jwdd27]

Good show - it is amazing how everyone's got their hands out now that Borat is making big money. He should just post the signed release forms up somewhere and tell them all to go fuck themselves.

Here he is as himself (and Ali G) on Jon Stewart a while back, he's really a nice middle-class British Jew:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dutJ31sIW68

[paul_r]

Originally Posted by mypersonalgetaway

http://liveshowalert.com/ sweet

you can also get an email whenever the feed goes on, not just official shows by signing up at
http://groups.google.com/group/katg_liveshow

email notifications are sent on feed opening and closing +/-5mins, if you want a text message just sign up with yournumber@provider.com or however your network does it.

[arcatacat]

I like the dark beers. They have a bad rap tho. For example, Guinness has fewer calories and less alcohol than most domestic lagers, but everyone thinks it's this thick, heavy syrupy stuff that has tons of alcohol.


My favorite are the brown ales and Porters. Yummm.

What ever happened to the "What beer do you drink" thread? I might have to revive that one...

[Bagladypaul]

I love dark beers of all sorts, but IPAs are definitely my favorite. I'm not sure what defines a beer as IPA, but it does stand for India Pale Ale. It gets its name from when India was a part of the British empire and the Brits would make it to survive the long voyage there; I don't remember why it holds up better. Maybe the extra hops or higher alcohol content.

[arcatacat]

India Pale Ale

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



A bottle of Fuller's IPA


India Pale Ale (IPA, a variation of which is known as Imperial Pale Ale), is a distinct style of beer and is characterized as a sparkling pale ale with a high level of alcohol (modern day versions are usually 5.5% to 6.3% by volume, though the original versions were considerably higher) and hops, thus having an increased bitterness (in modern times typically 35-48 on the IBU scale, though originally probably more than 60 IBU). The creation of India Pale Ale (IPA) during the early 1700s was the result of tremendous efforts by British brewers to overcome a difficult problem: beer did not keep well on long ocean voyages, especially into hot climates. These hot environments resulted in the arrival of flat, sour beer.