Ask Marina

[marina]

Originally Posted by Ant-LOX

Yeah, I was trekking through about 40 inches of snow at a local park, and it was pretty fun.

Plus, when you fall in the snow, it's pretty damn cozy.

I know, right?

Originally Posted by tuttle88

Why did I get surprise period today? Does the world hate me?

Not at all, your uterus is just trying to get your period out of the way early this month. Bless it's heart, it wants to help, it just hasn't got any brains. (Kahamedy!)

Originally Posted by punk'n

Should I tell my family I'm going to New York? We're very close, and if some sort of emergency happened, I would want them to know. They won't approve at all, but I am a grown adult. It might be easier to just not answer my phone for 3 days, and hope my plane doesn't crash.

It depends. Only you know your family, it might be safest for your sanity to tell a close friend all your travel details (plane number, hotel, etc) just in case and avoid their calls. However, I am usually a fan of honesty. Tell them like it's a good thing, you don't have to give them all the details, just say you're going on vacation. Tell them how excited you are to take yourself on this trip, make it really hard to be a buzzkill about it.

Good luck. You only get to go on vacation by yourself a few times in life, but family is constant and forever.

[tuttle88]

Originally Posted by marina

Not at all, your uterus is just trying to get your period out of the way early this month. Bless it's heart, it wants to help, it just hasn't got any brains. (Kahamedy!)

Its not very nice I've got a second date on sunday.

[marina]

Originally Posted by tuttle88

Its not very nice I've got a second date on sunday.

Maybe that's the reason for the surprise period. Maybe your uterus doesn't want you slutting around.

[CuriousKlepto]

Dear Marina, I have a very important question about my friend. It's the guy I've been crushing on... I think I may have broken him. I don't quite know how it happen ed, but yesterday I was going to try and tell him how I feel. But as we were talking, the right questions started coming out of my mouth, and he started opening up more and more. He literally started telling me everything, and I felt more like a theripist then a friend. I never got a chance to tell him how I felt because we were just sort of talking about him, his friends, his family, everything. It would have felt like I was taking advantage of the situation we were in. He had never had someone to talk to about any of this stuff before and he's not even sure why he told me, but now he's not himself today. Honestly, it's like we switched personalities, because he's been very apathetic, carefree, and silly today, while I've been panicy, jittery, and unsure. I don't like feeling this way. How do we change back, and what would be the right way to tell him how I feel?

[naberdy]

I'm no Marina but it sounds like he might be a little freaked out as well. I think he is just handling it differently than you. He might get back to normal once he has had time to process things.

[marina]

Originally Posted by CuriousKlepto

Dear Marina, I have a very important question about my friend. It's the guy I've been crushing on... I think I may have broken him. I don't quite know how it happen ed, but yesterday I was going to try and tell him how I feel. But as we were talking, the right questions started coming out of my mouth, and he started opening up more and more. He literally started telling me everything, and I felt more like a theripist then a friend. I never got a chance to tell him how I felt because we were just sort of talking about him, his friends, his family, everything. It would have felt like I was taking advantage of the situation we were in. He had never had someone to talk to about any of this stuff before and he's not even sure why he told me, but now he's not himself today. Honestly, it's like we switched personalities, because he's been very apathetic, carefree, and silly today, while I've been panicy, jittery, and unsure. I don't like feeling this way. How do we change back, and what would be the right way to tell him how I feel?

First of all, you'll be fine in no time, so don't worry about that or stress out. For now, the only way out is through. As sometimes happens when a burden is lifted, he transfered some of it's weight onto you. It's not very romantic, but that's how friendship works. When someone is in trouble, the stress can be diffused over their network of friends, making life a little easier. This system only works with all members of the friend network are basically equal. If one person over-burdens the network with constant drama and strife, they're not likely to have a functional network for very long.

My advice is to just calm down, relax and process the emotion, but don't let it overwhelm you. As a person who grew up poorly socialized, I often felt like the weight of another person's emotion was crushing me, especially when I started trying to make friends instead of staying by myself, or with my fucked up non-friends. It took a long time to figure out how to remain a friend, but still detach myself from their situation so that I could live my own life. It also took a long time to learn that some people are emotional black holes and that I'm better off away from them.

The only way you learn your boundaries is by pushing them.

[evadwolrab]

Are you still doing this?

Just before summer I met a girl who I thought was absolutely fucking perfect for me. We're into all the same shit, we had the same crappy sense of humour, and could hang out for days and never get bored of each other or feel uncomfortable in any way. Since then, the sex has stopped ("I just don't ever feel horny"), there's no affection whatsoever (unless I actually ask for it, which in itself makes me feel utterly pathetic) and I just generally get the feeling we're only together because there's no great reason to split up.

The thing is all the weirdness is coming from her part, I still want to be cuddled up in bed making out and being the awesomest friends, whereas she seems like she just wants to be friends. The lack of any sort of affectionate stuff (not even hugs are initiated by her) is really getting to me, and every few nights I'll go crazy with paranoia and go to bed seething and convinced she's fucking her ex but for some reason hasn't told me.

I've told her the sex thing is an issue, I've told her the total lack of of warmth and stuff from her side is an issue, and her response is generally "OK, sorry". What the fuck do I do with that? Ultimatums will only make her feel pressured and less comfortable, but I don't want to be in a loveless relationship. I'm 24 years old!

Normally I would just say "fuck it", and move on. But three months ago it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Since before Christmas it's just turned cold. We still get on OK but there's no "electricity" or whatever. I need some fucking pheromones in my life!

I don't know what to do. I've tried saying something, and it's been going on so long that if I just grabbed her now and started making out with her and making moves, it would just be awkward. Three months in it seemed like everything was perfect and this girl would possibly turn out to be one to take back to the parents, but 6 months in it's like we've been married for 50 years and don't even remember how our jiggly bits work. ARRRGGH!

This is probably the only place I can say this shit without her seeing it.

[marina]

Originally Posted by evadwolrab

Are you still doing this?

Just before summer I met a girl who I thought was absolutely fucking perfect for me. We're into all the same shit, we had the same crappy sense of humour, and could hang out for days and never get bored of each other or feel uncomfortable in any way. Since then, the sex has stopped ("I just don't ever feel horny"), there's no affection whatsoever (unless I actually ask for it, which in itself makes me feel utterly pathetic) and I just generally get the feeling we're only together because there's no great reason to split up.

The thing is all the weirdness is coming from her part, I still want to be cuddled up in bed making out and being the awesomest friends, whereas she seems like she just wants to be friends. The lack of any sort of affectionate stuff (not even hugs are initiated by her) is really getting to me, and every few nights I'll go crazy with paranoia and go to bed seething and convinced she's fucking her ex but for some reason hasn't told me.

I've told her the sex thing is an issue, I've told her the total lack of of warmth and stuff from her side is an issue, and her response is generally "OK, sorry". What the fuck do I do with that? Ultimatums will only make her feel pressured and less comfortable, but I don't want to be in a loveless relationship. I'm 24 years old!

Normally I would just say "fuck it", and move on. But three months ago it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Since before Christmas it's just turned cold. We still get on OK but there's no "electricity" or whatever. I need some fucking pheromones in my life!

I don't know what to do. I've tried saying something, and it's been going on so long that if I just grabbed her now and started making out with her and making moves, it would just be awkward. Three months in it seemed like everything was perfect and this girl would possibly turn out to be one to take back to the parents, but 6 months in it's like we've been married for 50 years and don't even remember how our jiggly bits work. ARRRGGH!

This is probably the only place I can say this shit without her seeing it.

There's a lot of factors in sexual life. Depending on how long it's been between fucks, this could be a downswing that will turn back up, and probably wax and wane throughout your relationship, or it could be the beginning of a long drought.

Are you just mentioning "gee honey, it's been a while, and why don't you hug me anymore?" or is this a formal discussion? Because I think if you're hinting, or saying things in passing and there isn't any change it is time for a "do you have time to talk, this is starting to bother me, I love you and I don't want our relationship to end" kind of discussion. Don't be mad for this discussion, if you're having a hard time doing that, it might be a good idea to write out your feelings in a letter to her, or just as a way to organize your thoughts ahead of time.

If you've also had the formal discussion and she seems unresponsive or unwilling to change, there's a larger issue at hand. She's not respecting your feelings. I'm not saying that she has to have sex or cuddle with you, but I am saying that people in a relationship do well when both parties are respectful of each other and listen to each other. Make sure you're listening to her too. Maybe she's telling you a legitimate reason for the drought, but you aren't hearing it.

Ultimately, you are the one that makes the decision on whether it's worth it to stay. Breaking up with a girl because you're sexually incompatible is not a scumbag thing to do, especially if you're kind and respectful to her during and after the breakup. Some people are just better friends than they are lovers.

If you decide to stay for now, or if you decide to end it, don't be a douche bag, but also make sure that you know what you need out of a romantic relationship. Maybe she's such a cool chick that you're okay with her being cold and sexually unavailable. Don't get bitter because she's not providing for you when you aren't providing for yourself, or you don't articulate your needs, or she told you that she couldn't be that for you and you didn't listen.

You said ultimatums will make her uncomfortable, but sometimes the other partner doesn't have to know about it. Make a decision to wait for x amount of time after your big deal discussion and see if anything changes, if nothing changes by then, it probably never will. It may sound cliche, but a break-up is only a failure if you don't learn something from it.

[BrownEyedBtch]

Marina, please write a book. I'd buy a babillion copies.

I have a question. I have a longtime friend, a guy, who I'd lost touch with for a while. A couple of years ago, he randomly emailed me to say hello. I never thought he'd remember me, but he did. Over the last couple of years, we'd been in and out of touch, due mostly to schedules and living in 2 different states. I saw him in June for the first time in years, and we were both pretty nervous. In our communication, it's pretty obvious we have something special, even though we have never really come out and said anything. He's living in Italy for the next 2 years pursuing a master's degree, so there's nothing to pursue right now anyway. My question is, is it worth it to take the risk and come out with how I feel, hoping his reciprocation is there, or do I just let the friendship play out, knowing it's not a friendship I want to lose? Just being friends means I will never know, but going for it means I know but I also lose my friend.

Love you!

[marina]

Originally Posted by BrownEyedBtch

Marina, please write a book. I'd buy a babillion copies.

I have a question. I have a longtime friend, a guy, who I'd lost touch with for a while. A couple of years ago, he randomly emailed me to say hello. I never thought he'd remember me, but he did. Over the last couple of years, we'd been in and out of touch, due mostly to schedules and living in 2 different states. I saw him in June for the first time in years, and we were both pretty nervous. In our communication, it's pretty obvious we have something special, even though we have never really come out and said anything. He's living in Italy for the next 2 years pursuing a master's degree, so there's nothing to pursue right now anyway. My question is, is it worth it to take the risk and come out with how I feel, hoping his reciprocation is there, or do I just let the friendship play out, knowing it's not a friendship I want to lose? Just being friends means I will never know, but going for it means I know but I also lose my friend.

Love you!

Thanks, I love that this thread seems to have a renaissance just whenever I need it to.

As for your boy, there are usually time in every relationship where something has to be said, whether it's "I like you" or "I'm sorry I broke your mom's gravy boat." In my experience, there is a vaguely perceptible hum in my stomach region that tell me what the right time is.

Personally, I like to do things at their earliest opportunity because I'm impatient and loud-mouthed. Sometimes this works out in my favor, sometimes it doesn't, but usually I'm okay enough with the outcome that I'll take the same course of action pretty much every time.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him how I felt. The friendship is valuable to you, and I know you don't want to ruin it, but good friendships are resilient, and if it's not, there's a world of other people out there to be friends with.

Chances on a relationship blossoming right now, or across the world are pretty slim, but at least he can go to Italy with full knowledge of how you feel, and hopefully you can know how he feels as well.

A lot can happen in 2 years, but it's actually not that long in the course of human life. My advice is that if he does feel the same way about you, don't try to enforce fidelity for either party while he's away. If it works out in the long run, it works out and that's great, but there are so many other people and things and adventures in the world, that if it doesn't work out, you know something else will. Just because he's the brightest thing on the radar right now doesn't mean he's the only thing.