Dealing with Death, E-Style.

[indianprincess]

Originally Posted by bocorican

You aren't thinking clearly when someone dies, though. You're just stuck under this blanket of raw emotion. Also, everything is a mountain to climb when a person dies suddenly. There is so much to get done, and the easier the better so you can stave off losing your shit for just a while longer. Facebook may be an easy way to do a hard thing, and you can't begrudge them that.

You know, I think a lot of people forget this, like there's this attitude of, even years afterward, even by well-meaning people is, "are you better now? Are you done?" But when someone is ripped out of your life, people get confused, disoriented, and things look overwhelming. I think by creating a memory in the form of msg boards, walls, etc. it offers a little bit of order into the chaos that is the void the person left. It's neat. It's set, it's orderly. An oasis in the messiness that grief can trigger.

I think how we mourn is really important, and we need to try various methods for.. however long it takes for us to process the death and integrate it with our new reality. I suppose with outlets and social networks like Facebook we feel less alone in our grief. It's like like a modern, (virtual) mode of having people gather in your house just to sit, offer condolences, eat casseroles and carrot cake. Personally I prefer the old-fashioned method, but I can see why people use social networks to rally around the deceased's memory. I also think it's okay that we feel angry towards other methods people use to mourn, just as it's okay to feel angry towards everything. Anger is a natural part of the grieving process too, even if it is possibly displaced . . .

Just my two cents.

[Rhian]

I'm sorry about your friend, it's always too soon, and is a bit odd to see their names pop up, but for me I'm comforted by it now. Some of you knew (as Tech said above) WindowsandDoors, and knowing his family was in touch meant alot to me.

It's always too soon and always a shock no matter what or when.

[amikaligula]

Fuck, what about finding out a friend is dead via facebook? Thst's What just happened to me... I mean I'm pissed, but I'm pissed he's dead mostly, so I don't know if I'm actually pissed about finding out this way. I guess his rommate found him dead aand we wern't well acquanted so at least this way I found out about it before the funeral was held...

But ya, it's creepy seeing all the posts on his wall. It's almost kind of tacky, really. And the thing is is is I'm gonna want to look at his old posts someday, but his wall will be covered in other people's posts and I'll just want to see his.

And Sorry if anyonde's offended with the whole tacky posts thing. I just can't see it as anything more than a, "look at me, i'm sad, he was my freind too" thing that facebook is so much. But that's what I'm doing here now, huh?

I guess the thing is whether you think mourning should be a spectical or not. I prefer private over public loud lamentations or whatever. And now facebook seems to be just a cyber version of that, is that it?

[dEadERest]

tacky . . that is what defines this western culture.

ancient cultures had (have) rituals for events like this. modernity looks askance at this, seems so . . silly. but it helps makes sense of things that don't.

so, you get to improvise now. create a ritual, relevant to you, the person you lost. act out, like you said. there is nothing to fear. you are god now, create your religion

[Alexandra]

Originally Posted by dEadERest

tacky . . that is what defines this western culture.

ancient cultures had (have) rituals for events like this. modernity looks askance at this, seems so . . silly. but it helps makes sense of things that don't.

so, you get to improvise now. create a ritual, relevant to you, the person you lost. act out, like you said. there is nothing to fear. you are god now, create your religion

Exactly. There used to be rituals, mostly religious, but even for those who weren't religious, there were still the social/community aspects of the rituals. But now we have a great percentage of society who shun or scorn or simply never experienced the comfort that a community of any kind coming together to support those who have lost a loved one can bring. It's sad really, but that's what happens when you know everything. What makes Facebook etc. creepy in this instance is the permanence of the remarks. In a traditional funeral/memorial setting, there would still be insensitive remarks and egotistical "mourners", but in most circumstances those remarks aren't overheard by everybody in the room at the time, let alone the people who arrived later or left earlier. There is also no repeat button, so those careless little remarks can be forgotten and only the really nasty ones remain. Typically they are outnumbered by the kind remarks and actions. With the social networking or even online memorial pages through funeral homes the family/friends are free to peruse the lovely remarks at their leisure, but they are also then going to read the selfish or careless remarks as well. Since most people who are grieving are not thinking clearly, it's more likely that those comments will be re-read over and over which compounds the nastiness as well as the kindness.