help me navigate this

[Sparrow]

my dad wants to get to know me.

what he actually said was, "i want to get to know sara."

since changing my name, i've been super fine with people who knew me as that continue to call me that. it is now my middle name, so no foul. people call me sara all the time.

my dad was an EMT until the AIDS scare. i'm not real sure what went down, but it was a job he loved and was good at; whatever it was freaked him out enough to never return to it. all the while I grew up my dad was/is a factory machinist, 2nd/3rd shift. he's missed out on all the things he's loved most of the time; church on sunday, my band events, flying hobby airplanes, daylight. he stopped having a running knowledge of who i was at [6]. [16] slipped by. [21] made more sense when i got married. [25] was a shock to his system.

the cost of providing.

my mother and i are close and i'm guessing she's had something to do with this recent outreach. and, truth is, i don't want him to be someone i don't know. i want it to really hurt when he dies. i'm doing some very exciting things in my career and my dad is missing it.

i don't have a problem letting him know who i am, but there are some baseline identity issues that need addressing. he has no real understanding of what happened to me between 'sara' and 'bird' or that the two, while the same, are very, very different beings who existed/exist in their own rights. he won't be open to understanding The Bird if he's expecting the grown sara he's had to craft from bits of pieces of twenty years of second hand information and occasional lunches. he named me before i was even born, so that i would 'reject' that as well as my maiden name probably hurt.

i'd like to think i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but his reaction to my divorce was surprisingly sharp (didn't speak to me for three months) and in the spirit of better safe than sorry, i'm going to prepare for something similar to the atheist liberal thing.

i don't mind a fair bit of delicate patience, but where i need him to be is, "i want to get to know the bird." he can still call me sara. any advice on how to best approach this? i love him very much, all my birdie bravado is in them genes. he's a good man and we deserve a closer relationship.

[Keith]

Give him one last chance if you know you can handle being let down.

[Sparrow]

i don't think i'll be let down. i do sometimes have a tendency to be a jerk when i don't feel heard or understood.

[Astigos]

Wait... your name ISN'T Sara?

[Sparrow]

not according to the state or federal government, no.

[Astigos]

I'm gonna need a week or two to let that set in.

[Earl Dukes]

What're you worried about? Are you worried he'll be disappointed in you? Or are you worried there won't be a connection?

[Sparrow]

worried that he won't get it. he can love me all day long, but i really want my dad to acknowledge and embrace the magicwonderweird. he was never comfortable with my choice to pursue art (it's not a regular paycheck), and that's fine, but i want him to at least understand where it comes from and not spend time longing or searching for sara.

[Earl Dukes]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

worried that he won't get it. he can love me all day long, but i really want my dad to acknowledge and embrace the magicwonderweird. he was never comfortable with my choice to pursue art (it's not a regular paycheck), and that's fine, but i want him to at least understand where it comes from and not spend time longing or searching for sara.

I think you're lucky to have a father that cares either way. Even if he's looking for the wrong thing, at least he's got a desire. Maybe that could lead to something. My dad left our family when I was young, and my mom hates him, and I've seen him twice in the last 13+ years. I saw him last New Year's, and it was kind of whatever. It just happened to be his back from Iraq party. We were all drunk, and my family is awesome, but it wasn't anything special. It's like everyone knows we'll never really know each other. Since my thing is different, I don't have much to say about how you could handle your situation. You're close to your mom, who is close to him, which is awesome. It sounds like she's the life-line between you and your dad. My mom has been the complete opposite. I guess I'm saying you should be thankful that he's meeting you somewhere, whether it's half-way or deep in some fantasy-land. Whatever happens, at least you've got a shot. It's not as easy as saying "At least you've got a father", though. I see where you're coming from, like if he's not going to accept you as you are, then he may as well be reaching out to a tree.

[ssgtballard]

Speaking as a father I don't really get the ability of a father to stop talking to their children. I can understand being disappointed with the choices they make and possibly telling them so but not speaking to each other would kill me, specially something as big as a divorce, I would want to help them get through it.

I would not expect to much from him or from the relationship, he has a picture of you that he has created from what little he knows and things like your divorce start to shatter that picture. Take it slow and get what you want out the relationship, he probably isn't going to give you much in return.