My "Best Man" speech

[MJG]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

Rewrote it for you. You're Welcome.

Sounds good. It's pretty short but people aren't there to hear me tell stories. Thanks.

[MJG]

Originally Posted by Lord of the Cock Rings

Don't forget to imply that the bride was a raging slut until she met the groom.

They love that!

How about,
And this bitch right here, she has the lips to wear white?!?! BWAHAHAHA
or
You might not be the first boyfriend she has lived with but you were her first husband.
or
You may not have been the first guy who got her pregnant but you will be the father of her first born.
or
THIS WHORE!

[Patrice]

I was procrastinating on some other work so I retooled it a bit, use it if you'd like..Wedding Speeches are best short and to the point. Typically they are during dinner service and folks are antsy to socialize and eat. As tip for you keep some non noisy mints and a tissue in your suit pocket....Good Luck!

Evening (Afternoon, whatever time of day it might be) Everyone. First off I'd like to say that I'm not keen on public speaking but with the support of my dear friend Jack Daniels this is all possible.

Secondly, I think we are all glad that Matt didn't even think about running away, it was a huge relief to me in particular since he is way faster than I am!

I can't imagine a better reason to come together today than to celebrate the love and commitment of these two AWESOME people. There may have already been a Royal Wedding and when Cate calls Matt Prince Charming it isn't an official title, but like Will & Kate there are definitely at least a billion people who also wish they had the kind of relationship they do.

One of my earliest memories of Matt was back in freshman year of college, we were set to roll the tarp off the football field and some weirdo (point at Matt) was tossing worms into his mouth and spitting them out at people. If you had told me then, how close we'd be today, I'd have called you insane...

But I really think the moment that cemented our friendship was a few years later because according to the gym Lifestyle Family Fitness, Matt and I are “involved”. (If you received sustained laughter tip your glass up and quip, they don't call it lifestyle for nothing) We signed up for a gym membership as a “couple” to save on dues. All we had to do was prove that we were on a lease together. So if Cate and Matt want to become members there I'm willing to help explain we've since moved on.

Matt has always looked out for me. So Cate, knowing Matt as well as I do, it'd be easy to say that you are a lucky woman, but it didn't take me long realize that Matt is an even luckier man. I may not have met the woman of my dreams yet, but I'll know I've found her when I have the same look in my eyes that Matt does when he looks at you. I think I can speak for all of Matt's friends and family, when I say that if we have to share him with someone, we're glad it's you. We all wish you the best of luck, and we love you guys. (Raise glass) To a love that will hopefully prove to be understanding, giving and undying and to the TWO...BEST...PEOPLE...that we all know.

[MJG]

Originally Posted by Patrice

I was procrastinating on some other work so I retooled it a bit, use it if you'd like..Wedding Speeches are best short and to the point. Typically they are during dinner service and folks are antsy to socialize and eat. As tip for you keep some non noisy mints and a tissue in your suit pocket....Good Luck!

Thanks for all the input, it is great to get different phrasing ideas and help with trimming the fat. I now understand why politicians have speech writers.

[BrianAlt]

Wow, very well written, Patrice.

Originally Posted by Patrice

there are definitely at least a billion people who also wish they had the kind of relationship they do.

Or he can just replace all that with, "Doctor Sleep."

[dcGirl]

Please leave out the joke about the possibility of the groom running away. That is a tired sexist joke. Also don't worry about the length too much. A few anecdotal stories might be well received especially if there are only 2 speeches. Another thing you could do is run it by the maid of honor. This way she can compare lengths and help make sure it's appropriate.