My dumb parents

[astrokahn]

My head is about to explode. First lemme say that I appreciate this community so much. I know you guys joke about Katg being a religion but god damn if this isn't the only space where everyone seems to be intelligent and have some modicum of respect for other people.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She informed me that "it's a new thing" (that she saw on the news) that, along with transgender being a "thing" trans-racial is a thing now too. So she has decided (jokingly of course) that she's a trans-ageist and she's now 19. EL OH FUCKING ELLLLL

I tried explaining to her that when shit like this is said, it is so entirely belittling to trans people because while gender is a social construct, race and age are factual things. Oh no, she exclaimed, if I was this and now I THINK I'm that, you all HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.

Fuck me how was I born to this shit. I'm so tired of hearing this hateful Fucking garbage. Her sister has a trans son. Her sisters son is married to a trans woman!

Last week my dad was in town. He said out loud one of the most tone deaf thoughtless shit things I've ever heard him say, --"with all the sexual harassment stuff going on, if a woman doesn't report I think within six months, they shouldn't be allowed to."
The problem is that my brain really does explode and the words don't come out right. My face probably said everything, but my mouth said what if it's a kid? What if the guy is scary? What if she will lose her job? What if what if what if??? And he said well she should at least say something to her rapist! She should tell him to stop!

Siiiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhhhhh

Here's what I would like to do. My mom is a lost cause. If anyone would like to write a comment TO MY DAD, Rob, explaining why women do not come forward when they are assaulted/ abused/raped, I promise I will print them and send them to him. He can take it. For the garbage shit that came out of his mouth, he's actually a person who can learn and wants to learn. In fact, as soon as he saw my face he stopped and said "tell me why I am wrong." But I've not been assaulted and I can't put it into words because I don't know a lot of reasons, I'm just speculating. Will you tell him?

Thanks everyone, it's nice to have a group to write to even when I'm literally in my house alone and....WAIT A MINUTE, CHEMDAS BIRTHDAY CHAT PARTY!!!!

[astrokahn]

Oh btw I am not saying gender isnt a factual thing. I have no idea if it's a factual thing.

[Keith]

For now, every time you talk to her, act like your mom is 19.

Pour out her wine, etc.

[astrokahn]

Originally Posted by Keith

For now, every time you talk to her, act like your mom is 19.

Pour out her wine, etc.

Maybe that's the problem, I've been talking to her like she's much younger.

[Archimedes_Screw]

Sorry about your parents. I don't talk to my parents very often for different reasons. But I understand what you're going through. Virtual hugs miss.

[jcro21]

I fluctuate between feeling like I should work harder to influence my family out of their Republicanism/close-mindedness, and feeling like it's pointless to even try. The few times I have tried to connect them about gay/trans issues or black lives matter I could tell they weren't really listening to what I had to say.

This Thanksgiving I didn't have a single political conversation, instead I just got drunk and played video games with my cousins. Gonna shoot for a similar Christmas.

[The Girl]

Don’t try to convince your parents of anything. That’s not your relationship with them. When they say things that you don’t like, IF you want to engage,ask them about it. “Why do you think that.” Don’t get defensive or upset. Don’t take it personally. They are not a reflection of you. I understand that these words represent the harshness of culture that we are seeing in the world but it doesn’t matter. No one changes anyone’s mind in anger. Find out why they think that way (ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS) even if you assume/know why they do. Let them talk or don’t talk about it. Change the subject. Not everyone is fun to talk to. If you’re insisting on talking to people whose opinions you find shitty, stop being surprised. That’s the biggest gift you can give yourself right now.

It’s ok. Even though it’s not ok. You know? You’re not here to save them. Live your best life and, if you make that look/feel good, people will want what you have. Otherwise, people are good AND bad. Decide what ratio of good and bad you want to converse with and live as real as you can while in THIS world.

Much love!


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[astrokahn]

Originally Posted by The Girl

If you’re insisting on talking to people whose opinions you find shitty, stop being surprised.

LOL this might be one of my favorite quotes ever, thank you.

You're right, I can't change them, nor do I have a desire to, I think it's more about trying to protect other people while I feel like an infiltrator within my family and my job. (surrounded in both arenas by hateful ignorance.) Like it's my human duty to spread the awesome and dissipate the bullshit.

[The Girl]

Originally Posted by astrokahn

LOL this might be one of my favorite quotes ever, thank you.



You're right, I can't change them, nor do I have a desire to, I think it's more about trying to protect other people while I feel like an infiltrator within my family and my job. (surrounded in both arenas by hateful ignorance.) Like it's my human duty to spread the awesome and dissipate the bullshit.

I say all that but I know it’s hard to practice. But that’s all it is. Patience.

What I keep in mind to help me:

I always feel like someone is thinking that of me and being patient with me until I catch up to what they know that I am still learning. I always hope people will be patient with my learning pace.


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[astrokahn]

So to follow up here:

I ended up writing a letter to my dad bc like I said, he does actually care about bettering himself as a person, which is a rare thing to find.

I posed the question to Reddit "Why didn't you come forward after sexual assault/rape/etc" and got about 20 replies in an hour or so. I then printed the replies plus a few of the ones from here and put them in a letter to my dad with a long explanation from me about all of the social garbage surrounding sexual bla bla bla.

Last night I got a voicemail from my dad. It was so moving, in it he says he got my letter and he now understands why he was wrong and he apologized over and over and over for any of the dumb things he has ever said about the topic. He said he even visited with his close friend (an 80 year old woman, he is 68) to discuss the topic and counsel with her over it. And she explained to him all kinds of stuff women have been dealing with since forever.

He sounded ashamed and the apology was definitely the only one I've heard yet that sounded real and that was just for having the wrong opinion on something.

God I wish I could put the voicemail on here, so you could all hear this old Brit apologize so beautifully. Anyway, a nice thing happened. That is all. It made a difference to help someone change a perspective he's had for 68 years.