OK, it turns out that I am replying, but when I refresh the thread I can't see my posts. Sorry for the shitty mega-multi-post.

I still say my router is to blame somehow, the shiny white cunt.

Sowwy. It's good reading though. :P

I am sorry it's affected you so significantly though. What do you think it was that just stuck with you to make you feel so insecure about relationships??

Hmm. Never really got what it was exactly, but mostly it was the fact that i invested so much of my heart into something (I wanted to marry. nuff said) and that it disappeared in a blink, without an explanation or even a red flag. She just got tired and burnt the bridge without even thinking twice.

So i got insecure about myself (and having super-cynical friends that loved to say "She jkust found a bigger dick, hahahaha" didnt help. Let alone my father that promptly commented "Of course you fucked it up. You alkways fuck up."), my way of dealing with people (not only girls). I thought that maybe i was giving too much, that i had to become harder and colder (again a wise daddy thought "Women respect you if you treat them like shit"), that i put her under too much pressure, that i humiliated myself and came out as a wimpy doormat.

I thought i had been an idiot by letting someone else be the center of my life. After she was gone, i couldnt find my life anymore. Everything was linked to her.

So i turned into a prick. I had relationships but never really got involved deeply with anyone. It wasnt an improvement but it made me feel protected. And being the asshole, sometimes made me feel stronger.

Then, after alcoholism, drugs, suicide attempts and therapy (not totally related), i met a girl who litterally gave everything she could to make me happy. And i loved her somehow. It didnt last, because she had to deal with too much shit, moodswings and bitterness but she changed me back. And now i'm in a partially functional relationship, and somehow, a happier person.

I still think that a bad moment could push me back there, but i feel stronger.

Waaah.

Sounds like I'm at the point you were just after you broke up. So you're saying I should stay off the drink? :D

Nah I've got good friends and I'm getting better at fighting the ADD to distract myself with movies, TV shows etc. And she lives in a different town, so I guess I have it relatively good.

I had that kind of issue in my teens and early 20's. In high school I asked out 4 girls over the years. All of them said "no", two even laughed. (I can admit I'm not a good looking guy, but Ouch.) After that I for a lot of years just thought, okay that really hurt, don't want to ever feel that again, rejection is terrible. It even went so far as even after high school when a woman would flirt or show any interest I would back away out of fear of getting hurt.

That's the thing, I'm getting paranoid that that's what I did. In my head, everything was changing and had been over the last couple of months and we really weren't close anymore. But then when the break up actually happened it sort of came as a total surprise.

I don't wanna be the bitch that just "gave up".....

sometimes its just the right person but wrong time.

ok, so finish the story. Did you finally start asking chicks out and are now living happily ever after?

I just stopped there because that was the only part relevant to what I was commenting on.
Did I start asking, yes. It wasn't one of those things where I just sucked it up and did it though. The first few relationships were with women that asked me out. I guess from there just getting a little confidence and age I got a thicker skin. Now my feeling is, like me or don't like me, I don't care.

Here's one funny story from the period where I was still unsure of how to react to things. So, I'm in a bar, it's kind of crowded and I'm standing along the wall (wallflower). This girl comes over and just starts kissing me. I don't remember what went through my head, but I just stood there not doing anything for like 20-25 seconds. She stopped, looked at me and walked away. It was weird. When I think about it now I think of the UK tv series Peep Show, there's an episode where Mark is in a supply closet with this chick and she starts grinding her ass into him and his inner monologue is "Does she know what she's doing? Just stand still like a statue. It can't count as a sexual harrassment if you stand still like a statue."

I need to stop looking at this thread. Just makes me depressed all over again.