Keith
Malley’s 5-Sentence Movie Summaries
These are the old
summaries as referenced on Keith and The Girl. Scroll
down to check out Keith Malley’s 5-Sentence Movie
Summaries – each movie summarized in 5 sentences. The list below includes
all the movies Keith has seen on the big screen from July 2002 to December 2003.
Note: Some clever fonts on this page are most likely not installed into your
computer. In each case that this is so, your computer will replace the missing
font with one of your sad, weaker fonts.
8 Mile
In
8 Mile Eminem gets chewed up, spit out and booed off stage. He punches
some people and fucks a girl. He was playin’ in the beginning, but the mood all
changed. He goes on stage a week later and is excellent. Meanwhile Kim Basinger
looks haggard and old.
28 days later
In
the heavy-handed film 28 Days Later, a chimpanzee infected with rage
chomps a woman trying to free it from captivity, turning her into a zombie. 28
days later, the streets of
London are completely bare, except for the occasional
human and gangs of rampaging zombies that attack in the dark. The main character
and his tough Negro girlfriend meet up with an old guy and his daughter who
decide to find the last remaining humans – a ragtag group of male soldiers that
plan on raping the human females they just saved. Zombies
then eat the bad soldiers, and our hero escapes with the
honies, but not before our hero is shot point-blank in the stomach
by the mercenary leader. 28 days after that, the man is healed by his
girlfriend in a hospital and presumably rescued by a passing fighter plane, who,
also presumably, then rapes them all.
ADAM SANDLER’S Eight CRAZY Nights
In
Adam Sandler’s excellently drawn musical Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights,
Adam plays a mean, tough kid that destroys the joy of the holidays with his
uncaring, no good attitude. Later he has a good cry and is very nice. First he’s
not nice, then he’s nice. Saving grace: you’ll have
fun counting the number of times Sandler does his classic “Bla bla bla
shadup!”
routine. I don’t know what’s dumber: this movie or the whole idea of Hanukkah.
THE ADVENTURES OF
PLUTO NASH
Without exaggeration, The Adventures of Pluto Nash is one of the worst
movies ever made since however long ago – possibly ever. It’s not even for kids.
In fact, retarded kids were leaving the theater drooling, “I don’t think that
was a movie…” I saw the film because my girlfriend used to date the villain in
the movie. I left the theater feeling much more secure.
ANGER
MANAGEMENT
Saying that the every-move-is-predictable movie Anger Management starring
Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler is a terrible, terrible atrocious piece of
garbage, the worst thing either actor has ever done in their entire lives (and I
don’t just mean movie-wise), isn’t even a matter of opinion. It’s a proven fact.
At the end of the film you find out that extremely unconventional Jack Nicholson
was called to intervene in Sandler’s life by Sandler’s hot girlfriend Marisa
Tomei. I just gave the movie away, so now there’s no
point in you going to see it. You’re welcome.
Austin Powers
in Goldmember
For Austin Powers in Goldmember, they could
repeat all the old jokes and still have a funny movie. They do repeat all the
old jokes. It is not a funny movie. This movie sucks. Boo.
BAD BOYS II
In
the very long Martin Lawrence/Will Smith film, Bad Boys II:
Whatcha Gonna Do This Time a.k.a. Bad Boys II: II Bad 4 U, it’s proved once again that
buddy cop movies are funnier when the ages and racial looks are completely
different. In this impressively visual movie, which showcases the latest camera
techniques Hollywood has to offer, maverick Martin Lawrence undergoes therapy
and isn’t happy with his rich-boy lady-lover maverick partner Will Smith. As
they debate if they’re too old for this shit, who’s out their damn mind, and how
many people need to kiss their black asses, the rebel cops that make their own
rules because that’s what they’re all about try to stop a major score of ecstasy
from reaching their sacred Miami shores. They find the drugs and the drug money,
but, uh-oh, Martin Lawrence’s DEA sister/Will Smith’s love interest gets
kidnapped, causing the bad boys to go to Ecstasy Headquarters in
Cuba and kill even more bad guys via
bullets to the forehead as they quip back and forth about which one of them
creates all the real problems. Soon the main foreign bad guy himself takes a
bullet in the forehead, and for those that may have, for whatever reason,
forgotten: you’re reminded who the bad boys really are.
BarberShop
I
didn’t want to see the urban film BarberShop at first because a) I don’t get into your “darker films” and b) black
barbershops don’t cut white people’s hair nicely; however, soon I heard on the
news that black leaders were boycotting this movie due to some disparaging
remarks Cedric the Entertainer makes about black history, and these idiots made
me excited to see it. In this epic film, Ice Cube has taken over his father’s
barbershop. Ice, not understanding the significance of an old-fashioned black
barbershop, wants to sell the store. Later he realizes the significance and
doesn’t sell it. I never get the significance, but these people made me laugh a
lot, so who cares – as long as that crazy nigga’s
happy.
THE
BOURNE
IDENTITY
The Bouring Identity, you mean.
He-he. Scotty Bourne has amnesia. It all comes back
to him though. He’s a governmental super-spy killing machine.
comedian
“Where does comedy come from?” The tagline alone caused me to immediately hate a
film I’ve never even heard of. Jerry Seinfeld’s videotaped “motion picture”
Comedian annoys me by reminding me everything that I hate about comedians –
even at the top level of the game – but it does keep me glued to the screen. But
boo-hoo you poor comics who have to go through
things to earn money from our drunken unappreciative asses – be it honing one
joke for 8 to 20 years to peak perfection or dealing with industry
personalities. I don’t want to talk to the busboy, cook or stove-scrubber about
how much work it takes to prepare my meal; I just want to eat the meal I paid
money for.
CONFESSIONS OF A
DANGEROUS MIND
Chuck Barris, the creator of The Dating Game,
The Newlywed Game and The Gong Show, is, according to his
autobiography Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, a CIA operative that has
killed 33 people. The movie Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, however,
makes you wish Chuck Barris would point his gun at
the audience and kill you. The only saving grace of this drawn out art
house piece of shit was that my girl gave me an “Alanis
Morissette” as I was watching it. New York Daily News called
Confessions “perversely enjoyable.” I guess they were getting blown too.
DAREDEVIL
In the motion picture Daredevil Ben Affleck plays Daredevil,
a young boy who gets radioactive juice in his eyes causing
him to lose his sense of sight as his other sights, like hearing, smelling and
flying, are significantly increased. He trains himself to be an acrobatic
fighting machine and ends up taking care of the evil scum that his alter ego, a
horrible lawyer, couldn’t put in jail. (“I hope justice is found here before
justice finds you,” isn’t gonna win you a whole lot
of cases, Matt.) After running into a hot woman with fighting powers as well,
Daredevil has superhero sex and has to fight Bullseye,
a man whose power is to always hit bull’s-eyes, and Kingpin, a man with
Spider-Man strength because he’s from the Bronx. Look past the comic book cheese
factor, like the fact that this poor lawyer wouldn’t be able to afford his
batcave or the fact that no one knows who Daredevil
is because of a mask that covers his eyes, and you’ll find yourself watching a
fast-paced and very stylish movie.
Dark Blue
Kurt Russell, one of the greatest humans to walk the earth, kills bad guys in
the motion picture Dark Blue, which is set at the time of the Rodney King
verdict when L.A. burned. To protect
America effectively, however, our good friend
Kurt Russell feels he must break the law himself. Ving Rhames is big and black,
and he’s not happy about that, so he vows to bring Kurt Russell down. Kurt
Russell instead turns himself in and says he’s sorry. Then I threw
Ricola at a snoring guy’s head not
knowing he was with a Puerto Rican posse that was immediately ready to stomp me
and my girlfriend’s asses.
DICKIE
ROBERTS
FORMER CHILD STAR
In
the David Spade comedy Dickie Roberts:
Former Child Star, David Spade plays Dickie
Roberts, a former child star that, after getting beat up by Webster on
Celebrity Boxing, plans on scoring an audition for director Rob Reiner’s new
film so that he can once again be loved and appreciated by the public. To
research the movie role, however, Dickie feels he
must move in with an already established family for a month in order to learn
how normal children grow up. Dickie learns that
water needs to be put on a Slip N’ Slide before jumping on it, and he
becomes an adult. After nailing the audition and becoming famous, the dad, in a
move that totally surprises the audience, leaves the family to run away with
some whore, prompting Dickie to abandon the new
movie and take the dad’s place. It all works out nice.
E M P I R E
In
John Leguizamo’s Empire, a movie that acts like it’s going to go
somewhere only to not have any point whatsoever, John Leguizamo plays a southern
Bronx drug dealer (dealing “empire”) that gets caught in the complicated world
of middle Manhattan investing. Actually it’s not that complicated at all. Thing
is, the white guy is bad too, and he runs away with all of John Leguizamo’s
blood money. Then they both die. Credits roll, and John Leguizamo comes out and
kicks you in the nuts. The end.
Gigli
In
Gigli, Ben Affleck plays
Gigli, a dumb mobster ordered to kidnap a federal prosecutor’s retarded
brother for blackmail purposes. Watching a retard is hard work, so a lesbian in
the mob, Jennifer Lopez, is brought in to assist. Gigli
is mean to the retard and the lesbian at first, but after both of them say cute
things, he decides to be nice to the retard and have sex with the lesbian. Uh-oh, now the two mobsters are ordered to cut a thumb off
of one of the nice retard’s hands and mail it to the police! They don’t do it
though, instead opting to return the retard and quit the mob.
HALLOWEEN
RESURRECTION
Ever regret sneaking into a movie? I was surprised there were other people in
the theater that honestly paid money and expected entertainment from
Halloween Resurrection. At the end of the credits, I thought it would say:
GOTCHA!, and it would have been written by a high school buddy of mine
that swore he would someday get me back for something I did to him. This movie
was fuckin’ ridiculous.
Funny thing is: I wrote this summary just before the movie actually started, and
I didn’t have to change a word.
HEAD OF STATE
On paper, Head of State, Chris Rock’s directorial debut, sounds
hilarious: we get a black presidential candidate, old white people dance to
Nelly’s Hot in Herre and say “fashizzle dizzle” yet they
don’t understand the saying “the roof is on fire”, jokes get repeated and driven
into the ground, Chris Rock becomes president and marries some girl because he
thinks she’s very pretty, and then there’s no real ending. But on the big
screen, however, this excuse to showcase Chris Rock’s stand-up doesn’t cut the
mustard. “Where can we find someone dumb enough to run for President?” “Hi, I’m
Chris Rock, and I wanna know: what’s the deal with
malt liquor?” The movie’s saving grace: the brief appearances of the great
Bernie Mac keepin’ it real.
THE HOT CHICK
In
the movie Adam Sandler Presents Rob Schneider is
The Hot Chick, Rob Schneider and a hot chick switch bodies thanks to
mystical earrings from the ancients. No hilarity ensues, and then they switch
back. The only saving grace, other than the surprise visit from Adam Sandler
himself, is the appearance of Tia and Tamera Mowry
from Sister, Sister who play two hot chicks themselves. I never got into
Tia, but Tamera: meow! I’m watching this movie thinking, “Ashley Olsen
who?”
THE
HULK
In
the un-thrilling, fake-looking movie The Hulk, military scientist David
Banner uses the military experimentation he helped design to regenerate wounded
people’s cells on himself. Through birth, he passes these genes on to his son,
mild-mannered pussy Bruce Banner, and follows up by injecting his little kid
with even more experimentation. Not nice. Young Bruce grows up and becomes a
scientist himself, only to have a gamma-ray accident in the lab become the
catalyst he needs to become The Hulk, a process that finds him always wearing
perfectly tailored Hulk shorts as he’s forced to fight his dad’s three Hulk-like
mutated dogs, escape from a military attack, and find out that his father
gamma-rayed himself into something that can take the molecular structure of
whatever it touches. Everybody lives, nobody cares, and you’re left with dopey
questions like, What kind of shits does The Hulk take, What if you make him mad
while having sex with him, and How much lube would it take to fuck the St. Louis
arch?
THE
HUNTED
“I’m Tommy Lee Jones, and you’re in society now, Benicio
Del Toro, so I’m going to have to kill you because war got you all fucked up.”
“Even though you made me this way?” “Yep.” The best part about The Hunted:
Benicio Del Toro is walking through the woods and he
comes across Rambo. Benicio Del Toro and Rambo
circle and sniff each other and then continue on their separate paths.
jackass
the movie
Lou Lumenick, the jackass movie reviewer (no pun) at the New York Post
gave jackass the movie zero stars. Yes, you have a bullshit job,
but you can try to take it a tad more serious and think a little, Mr. Clever.
Watch this movie go #1,
Lou,
and learn that if the audience is laughing, it doesn’t show “an appalling
illustration of just how low corporate America will pander to make a buck”, but
rather,
Lou,
that we’ll happily give corporate America a buck when it gives us what we
want – a movie that’s goddamn hilarious from the moment I ask for my ticket till
after the credits. And the Japanese “reactions look totally fake,”
Lou?
That’s how these squinty-eyed bastards always look, you racist fuck!
MINORITY REPORT
In
the future we are arresting people before they actually commit the crime. Are
there flaws in this system? Of course. Minority
Report is an excellent movie. But I was drunk, I actually pissed
three times in a cup while watching the film, and I was laughing my balls off.
MARTIN LAWRENCE LIVE: RUNTELDAT
Listen: No one is immune from the trials and tribulations of life, so ride this
motherfucker till the wheels fall off. Umm… okay, Martin. Martin Lawrence, the
star of the never funny television show Martin, brings us
RunTelDat, a concert movie that has him
trading in jokes for stories about his near death, fan support, his hate of
critics and bla bla
boring bla bla. I don’t
go to church for the wit, and I don’t go to a stand-up show for a lecture.
Although that Cardinal O’Connor is very charming…
The Matrix Reloaded
The most disturbing part of The Matrix Reloaded: pop-up ads. Seriously
though, I have troubles summarizing this film because I really don’t understand
what was going on. And I don’t care. Agent Smith is a rogue agent that can
duplicate himself although he was kind of already doing that by taking over
lives anytime he wanted, Neo can do anything he wants within The Matrix yet he
still has to fight bad guys one at a time, some people can pass through solid
objects at will, and doors lead to other parts of the world. What the fuck ever.
Mr.DEEDS
In
Mr. Deeds, Scotty Deeds inherits four hundred billon dollars. It doesn’t
change him from being a nice person though. Then he fucks Winona Ryder. This
movie might have been good if I was fucking Winona Ryder while I was watching
it. But I wasn’t.
0ne Hour Photo
Robin Williams plays yet another loser in the clever and suspenseful film One
Hour Photo, which actually has nothing to do with photographs whatsoever.
LOL. After a creepy Robin Williams gets involved in a
family’s life through their developed pictures, he comes across a story of
infidelity he feels he must ;) “bring to light.” He
does. Then he gets arrested.
R e
I g n o f F I r e
Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey don’t like
each other. In Reign of Fire they have to get along in order to kill
dragons. They do. The dragons die. Great poster; horrible
movie.
Road to Perdition
Road to Boredom, you mean. He-he. Tom Hanks
succeeds at killing the person responsible for the death of his wife and child
only to have someone else kill him. It’s understood his only living son ends up
a good person. I hope I ruined this slow-moving shit movie for you.
SHANGHAI
KNIGHTS
“I’m white!” “I’m oriental of some sort!” “Whoa!” I went to see Shanghai
Knights because Shanghai Noon was so great that even if the sequel
was a pale comparison I thought it would still be great. They got me good.
signs
In
Signs crop circles lead to the discovery of evil aliens thanks to clever
writer/producer/director M. Night Shyamalan who ruins yet another great movie
with a lame-ass “clever” retardo ending. It worked
for you once dude; relax. Aliens smart enough to figure out space travel are
killed by water? Why didn’t Earth’s natural humidity immediately stop the alien
threat; and, between Unbreakable and Signs, what’s M.’s deal with
water? Drown much?
swimfan
The movie swimfan, the first picture made for
the screen about an obsessive crush, tells the story of a high-school swimmer
who, despite already having a girlfriend, fucks the heroin girl from Traffic.
The girl, who plays both a great heroin addict and a great psycho-chick, wants
to keep fucking the swimmer throughout the film. I don’t see the problem. The
fag sees a problem, though, and people have to die. What a very daring film,
these morons.
S1M0NE
In
S1M0NE, a movie that’s not incredible but has many incredibly funny
jokes, Al Pacino plays a washed-up director that dupes the world into thinking
his computerized celebrity is the real deal. Oops, it goes too far. S1M0NE,
the motion picture that features Pacino’s greatest
work ever, borrows from such classic films as Weekend at Bernie’s
and that one about a computerized chick. S1M0NE features rising star Jay
Mohr, who you immediately forgive for being part of Pluto Nash and the
recently rented 200 Cigarettes. At least I forgive him anyway, you
judgmental bastard.
TERMINATOR 3
RISE OF THE MACHINES
John Connor, the man born to lead the resistance against the rise of the
machines, is once again under attack from a terminator courtesy time-travel in
the film Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Why send back only one robot
to kill a very elusive John Connor and not five thousand? Calm down; one should
be enough this time. Now 18-years old, a young John Connor meets another
Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking Austrian-accented robot
that unintentionally says funny things that has been sent from the future to
protect him, this time from a Terminatrix, a
chick robot that is as beautiful as she is deadly! Arnold Schwarzenegger
ends up destroying the sexy robot, but Judgment Day happens anyway; and we all
die.
UNDISPUTED
In
Undisputed Wesley Snipes is in prison still boxing like he used to. In
the same movie Ving Rhames
is in prison still boxing like he used to. These crazy guys! This picture
really has no point whatsoever, but it’s always good to see brothers do what
they do best. Acting on the big screen!
xXx
XXX –
not to be confused with anything good – shows us that because Vin Diesel is the
scourge of the earth and the bottom of the barrel, he is hired to do important
super-secret missions no one else has ever been able to handle. Can he do it?
Yes. He totally can. Way to go, dude!