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Old 11-15-2011, 01:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 551
Keith and Chemda-

Wanted to say that what Chemda was talking about with the whole painful intercourse thing is called "Vaginismus" (which I think sounds more like an island than a disorder)-- or at least that is one more-common-than-you-would-suspect disorder that many many many women suffer from. It's not a shape thing; it's an uncontrollable clenching of the vaginal muscles at the opening of the vagina that makes it an "impenetrable force" (This is not the vagina you are meant to enter, Luke.)

The doodads Chemda mentioned (small to big dildos) are meant to stretch, through psychological and physical means (hey there's something in there, it's ok, it's ok it's ok...) the walls and muscles of the vag and allow them get used to, well, eventually cock. Or anything else one wishes to get in there I suppose.

From what I have read about this, it usually stems from some kind of sexual assault at an early age, and it is very psychological although I am sure that the multitudes of women who suffer from this can tell you that it is also very physical and real. Many many marriages end because of this issue and it's not as simple as "don't eat tomatoes." The introduction of a tomato free life doesn't usually erase years of psychological fucked-upness.

I'm not saying Josh's girl necessarily had this, however, being a very small person myself, you don't have to have this particular disorder to have sex be painful, it could be a number of things. Just being small, having a weirdly tilted uterus, past surgeries, yadda yadda, can also cause sex to be very painful and thus make you never really want to do it, as the payoff rarely equals the effort you put in.

The psychology behind painful sex is soooooo beyond layers of fucked up that you can't just deem someone a "non-sexual" person or say fuck them and move on. It takes an ennnoooormous amount of work to overcome, as one of your past guests said something to the effect of "if the blankets were on the wrong way it would be off."

On the side of the person who is always having painful sex and doesn't want to (I could never go to a doctor and say, excuse me, doctor, would you mind adding an extra six inches to the old vag?) there is this weird fucked up thought process that says (whilst watching a man get off the harder he fucks) "the more it hurts me the better it is for you" and it really messes with your head, because you cannot separate that what hurts you feels good to him, and that feels so weird and sadistic. You also try to avoid sex because finding all these alternate ways to do it is a pain in the ass and is sometimes embarrassing or, when you (like Chemda mentioned) have so much other shit to do and maybe have kids or are tired or whatever else is going on. You just either give in or give up a lot because you kind of have it in your head shit isn't going to go well because this other person wants something from you that is so painful, literally, to give. It becomes this emotional layering of resentment-- I can understand Josh's ex turning to the "goddamn can't we EVER just fucking snuggle? Does it always have to be about sex?" Because in a situation like this, the pressure is never off for the person who doesn't want to do it. You both forget how to just "be" together and like eachother bc there is always this looming sex thing. Can you really blame someone for saying "I could go the rest of my life without ever having sex again" if to them it's the same as saying "I could go the rest of my life without ever getting punched in the face again."?

For the person who isn't getting as much sex as they want, they are frustrated, they don't understand what is such a big deal, they feel slighted, they are always on the side of, I'll try and maybe, they are constantly let down and begin to feel disgusting or unattractive to their partner and so the resentment builds there as well. By the time things have gotten this bad I'm sure many couples are like "fuck trying anymore."

Of course in a situation like this, when sex is *the* main problem, it creates all kinds of layers of other problems and resentments as well. This seriously sucks ass when you really do love each other and nothing else is wrong in the relationship. I know that people would think "OK, if you really love each other and nothing is wrong, why not work on this together and figure it out?" Well, how long are most people willing to be with someone without sex, if that's what they need to figure their psychological bullshit out? Not many. Guilt, resentment, anger, frustration, lost hope, these things become the basis of your relationship while dealing with this.

Once you're in the situation where you realize your drives are waaaay different, you should call it. Salvage whatever shit is left after dripping off the sex fan.
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