[Sparrow]

i'm on the fence, have been my whole life, about whether or not i /need/ kids. Bear's been in the 'no' camp since we met and i'm right in my soul about that journey. i'd rather have this cool guy around than try to find different sperm close to, almost, or near as good. there was never any pressure on my end for him to reconsider.

recently, he threw it back in my court with a "if it's something you end up wanting, i'd be down." a lovely gesture, but now i have to think about it again. it's one thing to balls up when presented with it; it's a whole other to willingly walk into the arena.

i was expecting my 30s related hormones or pressure from others (of which there's been precious little) to give me clearer gut feelings one way or the other on the idea of parenthood, but they have not. it's a precarious place to be neutral.

from a practical standpoint, it all sounds like a bother, but tugging on a single, potent, nagging cultural heartstring is a desire to continue my family line; an obligation i don't necessarily resent. it's a real thing, but i can't be sure it isn't bullshit and i don't know if it's good /enough/ to interrupt a situation wherein i'm awfully content. i'm not afraid to take risk or jump off cliffs into nowhere to see if i can fly, but it's a sack you can't put down once you pick up.

people who chose that life, why? looking back how do you feel about those reasons?