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Old 06-13-2017, 08:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Steph's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 33
Your mom is not going to change

Chemda, I see absolutely no indication that your mother has changed at all and is ready to engage with you as an adult human being.

If you choose to engage with your parents again, there is only one way to do it. You have to enter into in with the mindset of fully accepting them as they are, with all of their limitations. They have given absolutely no indication that they have changed in any way. If you want a relationship with them, it has to be with them as they are, not as you wish they were. They are NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

You have made yourself very clear to them. There does not seem to have been one iota of self-reflection on their part. Stop torturing yourself and let them go. At this point you can decide to work on yourself to the point that nothing they say or do could bother you, and engage with them in the manner that they are able, or you can let the relationship go and acknowledge that as painful as that is, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is the ultimate act of self-love to let go of a relationship that only harms you. It is not selfish, because by declaring that level of self-love and respect for yourself and who you are you are modeling to the many, many people out there who listen to you that they are capable of the same thing. Imagine if everyone refused to stay in relationships that were harmful and abusive?

It is very, very, sad, but your parents are not capable of giving you what you need. Instead of focusing on that, focus on the many, many amazing people who love you exactly as you are and are capable of not only giving you what you need but encouraging you to go further and higher in your development as a human being. Seriously, why waste your time with anyone who does not remotely recognize what an amazing human you are.

Again, the only reason to engage with your parents is that you feel sorry for them. I don't get the sense that this is what you want. If you want to give them a part of yourself because you want to be selfless in that way, you can choose to do that, but the only thing you will get in return is a sense of pride in yourself for being able to be so selfless. They are not going to give you back anything other than that. I don't get the sense that this is where you are at. Spending time with them will only cause you pain and will also cause them pain.

Cheryl Strayed who wrote the book Wild has a podcast called Dear Sugar, and she talks about how she has chosen not to have a relationship with her father anymore, because she came to realize she could not engage with him and also take care of herself. Paul Gilmartin same thing with his mom. This is never an easy decision, but ultimately it is about choosing yourself. Your parents are adult human beings and you are not responsible for their happiness. It is sad that our culture teaches parents something different, that our children are supposed to stay loyal to us no matter what, but it just isn't true.

Sending you so much love.

Steph Ellis
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