10: Married and Available

[pinkandsparkly]

Originally Posted by Dean from Australia

I suspect that she isn't comfortable with the lifestyle as she portrays.

I get this ALL. THE. TIME. That I'm doing it just to make my BF happy, or that it's not for me, but I'm faking it to be "different."

Uhh... no. Never mind that I had to sorta prod my BF into it, not the other way around. I've just known from a pretty young age that I'm not the jealous type and that I'm far too independent for a "normal" relationship.

For me, it's the best of both worlds. I get an awesome partnership with the coolest guy, plus I get to maintain some of my independence. I also find him with other women to be a total turn-on. Other "pros"... we talk about sex, commitment, and boundaries FAR more than most couples and we have FWB that share our interests, so we're not subjecting each other to activities of zero interest (for me, it's firearms, for him, it's comic books... srsly).

Also, to clarify... I'm not out every night with someone different... it's happened twice in the last nine months. Honestly, the idea that I CAN see other people really just does it for me. It's not that I need to... it's that I need the freedom to be able to do so.

From one non-monogamous to another, I think Erin is genuinely into this lifestyle. A lot of her responses were similar to mine, and I know I'm totally into this.

[Junkenstein]

i have the same impression Dean had, not because i judged the lifestyle, but because of how erin verbalized it. She kept using sentences and points that sounded like bad stuff but rationalized intellectually.

[pinkandsparkly]

Originally Posted by Junkenstein

i have the same impression Dean had, not because i judged the lifestyle, but because of how erin verbalized it. She kept using sentences and points that sounded like bad stuff but rationalized intellectually.

*le sigh*

Did you read my thoughts on this? I can't speak for Erin, but from my perspective, if you're going to continue to patronizingly devalue life decisions that are different than your own, could you at least cite Erin's remarks that lead you to believe she's unhappy?

I mentioned that a lot of Erin's comments resonated with me; there were several times I wanted to reach through my iphone and be like, "YES! THAT!" because she speaks so eloquently on a rather forbidden topic. I can't speak for her, but your comment isn't the first time I've heard that we (meaning those women who choose non-monogamy) aren't happy but we just go along with it for whatever reason. It's patronizing and smacks of misogyny, simply because our (meaning collective "our," not just mine and Erin's) choices are different from your own.

I get that this lifestyle or choice isn't for everyone... I respect that you choose to be in whatever relationship that makes you happy (girlfriend, marriage, threesomes, whatever). Why do you have a hard time accepting that others might be interested in non-monogamy? Are you speaking STRICTLY about Erin's experiences, or do you think no woman can be happy in this type of relationship? What would a woman have to say to convince you she's happy? What did Erin say that convinced you she's not?

[Bucho]

Originally Posted by Keith

I always knew it wasn't roses, and by hearing the negatives I could finally appreciate the positives.

Totes agree. Even listening with Dean and Junk's comments in the back of my mind the way she shone a light into the darker corners of this way of living made it more relatable when she talked about the bright side.

[Junkenstein]

its how she dropped sentences like "my husband had a stint of jealousy but it was only a testosterone driven reaction that he didnt rationalize".

Or how she dropped in him having sex with another lady without knowing and felt bad but purposedly suppressed the emotion because it wasnt rational.

Or the issue about how the eventual other partioes could feel about this, which she acknowledges but really doesnt get into.

And the way she said that her and her husband do it cause "they love love".

i talked to other people with open non-monogamous relationships and they sounded more healthy than she was. all i could think of her talk was that she had a lot of issues that she didnt really address and simply shrugged off as "wrong".

iì'm strictly speaking about her. i think most can work that out eventually. but erin sounded messed up to me and in harsh denial.

PS: isnt the fact that your seiing thorugh my reaction to her interview and taking it as a judgement to your lifestyle, kind of weird too?

[Dean from Australia]

Originally Posted by pinkandsparkly

Why do you have a hard time accepting that others might be interested in non-monogamy? Are you speaking STRICTLY about Erin's experiences, or do you think no woman can be happy in this type of relationship? What would a woman have to say to convince you she's happy? What did Erin say that convinced you she's not?

I personally was commenting strictly about Erin's depiction of her experiences as she articulated them on the show. I certainly wasn't passing judgement on non monogamy generally. Personally, I get hard, thinking about the idea.

[poingjam]

I liked the points about rationalizing reactions, actually. A big part of self-control is finding some kind of logical explanation for your feelings, even if there isn't one. That doesn't mean it's solved, but it forces you to think about it and become comfortable with how you feel, gets you talking it out, all that shit.

[Bucho]

Originally Posted by poingjam

I liked the points about rationalizing reactions, actually. A big part of self-control is finding some kind of logical explanation for your feelings, even if there isn't one. That doesn't mean it's solved, but it forces you to think about it and become comfortable with how you feel, gets you talking it out, all that shit.

Same here. I didn't think she was in any kind of denial or "shrugged off" the doubts and dark moments at all. On the contrary; I got the impression she and her husband had spent countless hours talking and thinking and feeling about all the issues which had confronted them over the nine years they've been living this way.

[lalalemon]

I really liked hearing about Erin's experience in a nonmonogamous relationship. My boyfriend and I have only recently "opened" our relationship and feeling things out on our own has been a little confusing and a lot exciting. Hearing another woman's perspective gives me a little more to go off besides what we have only talked about between the two of us.



I learn so much from every episode of this show. Loves!

[erinjudge]

Originally Posted by Junkenstein

its how she dropped sentences like "my husband had a stint of jealousy but it was only a testosterone driven reaction that he didnt rationalize".

That is a fascinating quote of something I literally never said! But thanks for the inaccurate punctuation!!

This show was about probing the difficulties of my non-monogamous marriage. Chemda expertly asked the tough questions, and I responded candidly. It's not produced by the pro-non-monogamy SuperPac, nor is it focused on the pros of this kind of relationship.

Generally, when somebody asks about my lifestyle, they want to know about my opinion on the challenges of this way of relating. I'm honest about those challenges. I could also go into ecstatic detail about the (many (MANY many)) advantages, but as an interviewee I tend to answer the questions I'm asked.

Anybody who talks about any relationship in a series of hard-punctuated positives is not telling the whole, subtle story. Nobody's relationship is all platitudes of glory.

And, unlike others you may know, I was comfortable enough to go on a highly respected and widely heard podcast to talk about my relationship. If you think that makes it seem like I'm not extremely comfortable with it, then I really don't know what else to say to you.

And if every single sentence I uttered sounded to you like I was rationalizing something I'm utterly uncomfortable with, then you need to listen to episode 21.

Love from my marital love nest (8+ years and going strong!!),
~Erin