Carson Fan Mail

[Jack Bastard]

I hope that Tony Danza has you on his show. Can us viewers request
your presence???

I'm a small town R.I. girl who is in search of Danny Devito for a
screenplay that I wrote. Do you happen to have an in's? I'd sure
appreciate it.

Hope that you are healthy and happy and stay on forever!

luv
maria

Dear Maria,
Tony Danza is a dumb fuckin' Guinea I wouldn't be a guest on his show
if he could get Angela and Mona to tag team me and that faggy kid that
played Jonathan.

Besides, I'm still cheesed off that they never told us who the boss
was, I watched that P.O.S. show every week and I knew it was kinda the
gimmick but I figured at the end of the last show that fuckin hack
"actor" Danza would be like "oh, bydah way I'm da boss" or something.
Jesus Christ, I fucking CRIED on my last show, LAST TWO SHOWS!! mainly
cuz Robin Williams was holding one of my children hostage. He's crazy,
and not Ha Ha crazy.

Oh, and your screen play? I'll give it to DeVito when I see him next.
You can send it to me here, my address is:
THE FUCKING GARBAGE CAN!!
Anytown, USA 66666
I'm looking forward to reading it myself, I'm always looking for a
project I can wipe my ass with and set on fire.

Good day,

John Carson, The Baddest Motherfucker you know