Latest Episode
Play

Go Back   Keith and The Girl Forums Keith and The Girl Forums Talk Shite

Talk Shite General discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-05-2010, 04:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3
Dealing with Death, E-Style.

Hey.

So last week my friend Nigel died. I'm very upset, I oscillate between being down in the dumps and feeling like if someone looks me in the eye I'll burst into tears, and trying to be extra turbo nice to every single soul I cross for fear that they'll die and I won't have made someone's life better... JESUS dying is weird shit. Anyway, trust me when I say that this is the kind of person who makes you want to be better. Every single person he met felt like that, and you wanted to make his day better for making your life better. He was struck and killed riding his bike home last week. The story is here because I don't want to talk about it because I'll just... start crying. I'm not used to being sad or angry like this and it's hard.

GuelphMercury.com - Local - Former U of G theatre student was a rising star

This isn't a pity party thread, I just had to get that out of the way. What I'm looking for some insight into is the death of younger folks in the facebook age. I've had a couple friends pass away too young in this facebook-centric time.

Why does it creep me out so much when someone is immortalized on their page? When people use an e-memorial of sorts to pay their regards? Do you know what I am getting at here... why is this so weird for me and does it make anyone else uncomfortable, basically. Your thoughts and input would be very much appreciated.

Last edited by slampokes; 10-05-2010 at 04:44 PM. Reason: emotional typos
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 05:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
bocorican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Kim in Boulder!
Posts: 90
I knew this girl Abigail from school. We went to middle and high school together. We weren't close. Had a minor bonding moment at some party, and became facebook friends right after highschool. And then she was killed by her ex-boyfriend when we were just a year or so in college. Her facebook page is now a memorial, and has been running as one for years. They promote fund raisers through it- fundraisers to fund programs to help victims of domestic violence. There is a golf tournament dedicated to Abby. There are comments all over her page about how everyone misses her. This blows up every year on her birthday. It's strange. Some of it seems strangely in violation of her privacy, and then some of it just seems ridiculous in a way. Some of it feels creepy especially as time goes on and she never changes or grows. It's unsettling. It's sad. Death is never comfortable, but I totally hear what you're saying with this. It's a newer discomfort.

What's weird, that I wanted to add...small things...like every time I'm writing a message on facebook and put in the letter A her name and face come up. The notification comes up for her birthday. Her face comes up as a suggestion to "get back in touch"- facebook notices we haven't spoken in a while.


http://www.abbysvoice.com/home.html

I'm sorry for your loss.

Last edited by bocorican; 10-05-2010 at 05:53 PM. Reason: oh yeah
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
Senior Member
54-hour Marathon 2013 Kickstarter Backer
 
campy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 11,868
I am very sorry about your loss, I can see how the cyber immortalizing via facebook can be creepy. In fact I was just thinking about this the other day.

A friend of a friend passed away recently. I was able to read his wall going back through the condolences, back through the well wishes (during his shot illness) right up to the point where he was still posting things on other peoples walls. It is strange to see the progression and I had thought that it would be hard to go back into a loved ones facebook site and pack it all away...an additional box of memories to close.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
Tech007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 844
Sorry to hear you have had such a sudden and senseless loss.

I have at least 3 dead people in my Facebook world. It WAS weird at first (RIP WAD) but the memorials on the wall were comforting after a while. Remarks are sometimes added yearly on birthdays and anniversaries.

What isn't weird about the aftermath of anyones death? ( or the vague, evolving social etiquette we are learning in Facebook for that matter?)

An old high school acquaintance passed a way suddenly last fall - he had made a rare comment on my wall less than 48 hours before he passed away and I still cherish that little comment that was so like him - musical, witty and positive.

There are even some websites to manage your on-line accounts after your demise. Creepy but makes sense? Who has your passwords?
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
stabbyhappy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Flagstaff, AZ
Posts: 218
I deal with death a fair amount and Im 33. It may be that those things dont honor his life or death appropriately. Many people go ballistic when an obituary misspells a persons name or gets a date wrong. The little things that represent a persons life are magnified a thousand times after death. It helps me to think about how that person would see it if they were looking down on the situation. Would he care? Would he appreciate it? Also, keep in mind that acts to remember someone or honor them are more for the grieving than the passed, depending on your beliefs.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Tombo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: West Texas
Posts: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by slampokes View Post
Why does it creep me out so much when someone is immortalized on their page? When people use an e-memorial of sorts to pay their regards? Do you know what I am getting at here... why is this so weird for me and does it make anyone else uncomfortable, basically. Your thoughts and input would be very much appreciated.
I think you're creeped out because it is sort of creepy. I see immortalizing someone in that fashion as a detached and impersonal response. I think people that have grown up with Facebook, as ubiquitous as it is now, have a much harder time expressing themselves face to face. Particularly when it comes to something sensitive and difficult to talk about.

That's just my take on it.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
fluxquanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,122
Quote:
Originally Posted by slampokes View Post
Why does it creep me out so much when someone is immortalized on their page? When people use an e-memorial of sorts to pay their regards? Do you know what I am getting at here... why is this so weird for me and does it make anyone else uncomfortable, basically. Your thoughts and input would be very much appreciated.
I feel the same way. In fact, a girl who was one year below me in high school killed herself just last week by "purposely" driving into a tree at high speed. I didn't know her by name, but when I got curious I looked for her facebook page and recognized her photo. When I looked at the wall it was a bunch of responses that just seemed...cold and selfish.

The deceased can't read what you write, so why are you writing it if not for yourself? The only other people reading these things are other people there, so to me it's almost like you're saying, "look everybody, I cared about NAME too." Especially with suicides. Same thing happened with a kid I went to college with. "I loved you so much you should've talked to me instead of doing that." I bet top dollar they didn't actually say that TO THEM while they were alive, and saying it after is a real dick move.

If I die while social media is still big, and I haven't the good intuition to delete my facebook page first, I'm going to haunt the shit out of anyone who does that.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2010, 08:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
Junior Member
 
alannanana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Hailing from the Green Mountains
Posts: 0
I see where you're coming from. In one way, I think it's nice that those who have passed can be immortalized through their online accounts. Usually their account becomes a forum for their loved ones to express their sadness and I do think that's important. A friend of mine was killed last month in an accident that was entirely preventable (drunken drag racing). Seeing his profile, the countless pictures of him drinking, his final status saying, "Anyone down to blaze?", it pisses me off that he's gone and all that's left is evidence after evidence of his idiotic behavior.

On the other hand, while I think the ghostly Facebook profiles are nice in the sense that they help the healing process, it's pretty fucking annoying how easily the death of a student (mainly students since I've noticed this really among high schoolers) is whored out. An overwhelming number of suicides have occurred in the local high school. It's weird to see kids linking to the dead student's Facebook in an RIP <333 frenzy as if it's something they're vying to be associated with. Again, that's just something I've noticed with kids.

I'm sorry for your loss, slampokes lots of love to you. Your friend seems like someone I would've liked to have known.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-06-2010, 11:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
Junior Member
 
Toastmold's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Calgary
Posts: 28
I will just say that if something makes you uncomfortable, don't feel bad about it. You should remember your friend in the way that makes sense to you. I would not feel bad about removing the page from your friend's list, or whatever, especially since others have taken it over. That is how they feel they can cope with the situation, but it is not for everyone I guess.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2010, 02:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
bocorican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Kim in Boulder!
Posts: 90
I got into my dad's facebook when he died. Part of it felt like invasion of privacy, but then, he's dead. So unless I want to be superstitious about it, he doesn't give a fuck and why not? I had to go through his underwear drawer and medicine cabinet, too. That's what happens when people die. A complete breakdown of the walls they built, while at the same time the complete permanence of them. He can't tell me anything about himself anymore, and maybe his facebook could. My dad didn't use his facebook really, however, so there wasn't much to discover. But when he died I was a little desperate for little pieces of his life. I wrote to one of his friends from his profile. It is creepy. You aren't thinking clearly when someone dies, though. You're just stuck under this blanket of raw emotion. Also, everything is a mountain to climb when a person dies suddenly. There is so much to get done, and the easier the better so you can stave off losing your shit for just a while longer. Facebook may be an easy way to do a hard thing, and you can't begrudge them that.

On one hand, I agree with you that it's creepy. On the other hand maybe I disagree with the idea that we owe it to each other to preserve each others secrets when people die. That that even remains a meaningful thing is strange to consider. Secrets are to preserve some sense of autonomy over a situation, and are useless to the dead. It's almost natural to want to know a person's secrets when they die. If you don't, and remain completely uninterested how much could you have loved the person? I dunno.
(Offline)   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:25 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.1
Keith and The GirlAd Management plugin by RedTyger