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Old 04-03-2010, 12:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Porn for Dummies!!!

Anybody can create porn! You just have to follow some simple rules!

1)Specialty Porn
If you're shooting a weirdo movie for the internet on a weird fetish, ALWAYS include the line: "(fetish x) makes me so hawwwt and hawwwwneee". The line must be spoken by the token female actress and can include anything in existence, from banana cream pies to shaved hamsters. The line should generally be followed by another actress saying "Yeah, me toooooo".
This is supposed to reassure the jerker at home and make him feel less weird about his creepiness.

2)Titles
You dont have to actually force yourself to write a plot, of course. Some do, but they're like punchlines in Dane Cook's comedy, nobody really cares.
The important point, if you want to stand out from the classic "Cum guzzling cockholes 456" style, is having a clever title.

Referencing to movies can be a trick, just be sure to make a clever pun, like "Slutter Island" or "The lovely boners"

If you're referencing a tv series, you just have to add XXX to the name and vaguely tie it with hilarious double entendres. Anything can be done. Example: "The smurfs XXX" could contain some lines about blue balls and Big Mushrooms. It would also cover the furry market.

3)Artistic pretentions
Of course if you're a director, you would like to fool yourself into believing that you're shooting real cinema (what will you tell your parents when they ask about the money they spent for film school?). Also, the girls love to think they're actuall actresses (at least for the early years, before they become cokeheads). So remember: always shoot filler material to give your crew the illusion that they're doing serious stuff. Copy scenes you've seen somewhere else, be surreal, do whatever. Nobody will watch these and they will be fast forwarded through, but your dignity will be intact.

(To be continued... Not really...)

Last edited by Junkenstein; 04-03-2010 at 12:29 PM.
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Old 04-03-2010, 02:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Saw my first one last week. Still a little (lot) traumatized of Pirates.
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Old 04-03-2010, 02:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Jesus. That one has cgi and special effects. And not on people's genitals.
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Old 04-03-2010, 03:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yeah, Pirates was the Citizen Kane of porn, shouldn't be included in this imo. We're talking Nailin' Paylin here.
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Old 04-03-2010, 03:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I would include Pirates in point 3, since whoever produced the movie and decided to spends money on costumes and computer graphics for stuff that most of the audience will skip, did it out of self delusion. They wanted to be a real movie crew (Maybe Sasha Grey can act, she did a real movie, i recall).

Thank god for Evan Stone that works as a porn man and has comecy chops in his act.

Another example of Artistic pretentions is the infamous Andrew Blake: started as an erotic photographer, then became the symb ol of glossy porn.
Lately he went even far and started to include extreme stuff like fake necrophilia, golden showers and so on in his stuff.
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