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Old 07-29-2009, 11:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Write an Andy Rooney segment contest

Write an Andry Rooney segment about an inane subject that irrationally irritates you.

I like milk. I drink at least a half gallon of chocolate milk every day. It's my guilty pleasure. A tall glass of chocolate milk is like dessert to me.

Most people like whole milk, but I prefer skim. I don't need the extra fat, I just like the chocolate taste. I don't get 1% and 2%. What are they percents of?

Sometimes when I buy milk I just grab the blue jug and when I get home I find that it's 2%. For the better part of my life jugs with blue labels and lids have always meant skim milk. Now I see skim milk with yellow and red containers. To me, red has always meant whole, green has been 2%, I don't remember what color 1% is supposed to be, and skim has been blue. The dairy industry of America should really get together and create a standardized system of milk labeling.

There's a lot of things you can put in your milk. Ovaltine was all the rage with kids in the 50s, but I don't get it. It doesn't really taste like anything. If someone asks me what it tastes like, all I can say is "It tastes like Ovaltine".

I prefer Nesquik myself. I liked it better when it was just called Quik. I stick to the classic chocolate variety, but I've seen Vanilla, Strawberry, Banana, Honey and Triple Chocolate. I even saw that they had Creme Soda and Cherry flavors. It's easy to see why many of those flavors have been discontinued.

Why are Vanilla beans black and vanilla flavored products white?

I don't see why so many people just have to ask, "Do you like vanilla or chocolate?". Like my tastes must be exclusive to one. Whenever given the option, I always go for a blend of the two. I find they both taste better when you take alternating spoonfuls. If it's ice cream I get one scoop of each. If its soft serve I always go for the lever in the middle of the three that has a blend of both.

What do you even call that? Is it Chocolate-Vanilla blend, swirl or twist. When I was a child I always called it swirl, but recently I've started to use twist. I think I'm going to shift towards blend because swirl and twist sound so juvenile.

Some words really confuse me. Sometimes I'll say a word I haven't used in a long time and upon saying it, I'll realize how silly it sounds. For some reason as a child I remember the exact moment I was struck by the word "jump". I was about 10, walking home from school, talking to a friend, and as that word came out of my mouth it sounded all wrong. I began to repeat the word many times out loud because I felt like I had discovered a flaw in the fabric of reality.

Today when I wrote "summer", I couldn't believe that the sound of the word "summer" matched those letters. I had to use a dictionary to check if that was in fact how you spell summer.

I don't know what I'd do without a dictionary. I use it at least twice a day. Of course in this day and age I don't actually mean a physical dictionary, I mean dictionary.com. More people need to simply use that website than ask other people about spelling or definition

I feel the same way about google.com. If I'm stumped by something sitting at a computer, and there is another person in the room, I stop myself from asking the question to the person and instead just google it. Because frankly, google will have a more specific and quicker answer for me. Unless of course the question is very obscure or terribly intricate to put into a search box.

Wikipedia is by far the most valuable invention of the 21st century, and it bothers me that people don't use it because they're afraid that it isn't true. Sure I'll agree that there are a lot of pranksters out there on the internet, but for every prankster there are at least a hundred honest members that will correct the error. There really aren't as many pranksters as people think. What people should recognize is that to make these silly changes, requires effort and creativity, which many people won't provide for a prank with little to no pay off.

I hope in the near future, the people who started Wikipedia will be given a Nobel prize and the dairy farmers of America can get their ducks in a row and color code all milk.

Last edited by Astigos; 07-30-2009 at 10:06 AM.
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Old 07-30-2009, 05:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Very good, very Rooney like.
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Old 07-30-2009, 06:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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wow mike i cant bring myself to read all of that. good job. I was gonna write something about minorities in reality shows but im lazy.
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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That was good Mike.
I still have to say that Matt Bray wins with his Rooney prank phone call from the 74hr podcast.
He doesn't win by much though, just by 1 grape.
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Old 07-30-2009, 08:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EastTexas View Post
That was good Mike.
I still have to say that Matt Bray wins with his Rooney prank phone call from the 74hr podcast.
He doesn't win by much though, just by 1 grape.
I've been trying to find that segment forever. I was listening live when he did that but I don't remember what day it was on. It was epic LOLZ.
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Old 07-30-2009, 10:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I originally only wanted to talk about milk, but frankly to only talk about milk would defy the purpose of an Andy Rooney segment. Then it spun out of control...
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