Your Romantic Advice

[Sparrow]

Originally Posted by The Gunner

I'm about to move to Georgia and will be training there for 22 weeks.

*gasp* leave time with bird?

[Medium Brumski]

Originally Posted by campy

So, what was your worst date and why was it bad??

I asked out the receptionist from a friends office. First point against her was just lacking in personality and willingness to be fun once we got out on the actual date. For example, (I don't remember if I did this on this particular date) I might run from the car to the restuarant/movie theater/whatever, if that gets a negative response then that's a bad sign, I like someone to play-off and join in with my goofy side, not condemn it. The date ended when she straight-up told me she was looking for a man that would take care of her and support her, and she didn't think she would get that from me. She knew I was in college, maybe she was hoping I was from money or something. The restuarant happened to be much closer to my house then hers, so I was very tempted to just say good night and leave (I had picked her up and driven us there), but I didn't. Not so bad really, just a no personality admitted gold-digger.

[Sparrow]

I've had two Lovers post-divorce. and, of course, a few more sexual experiences between friends.

The first was a fellow KATGer I met in New York last Fall. I sold my wedding set to spend a long weekend with my dear friend Scooter Pie in Philly. He invited me up because I needed to get the fuck out of town--good man, golden human. Two of those days were spent in NYC meeting up with our community friends. I can't say much about the Jenga Party, but I met an Irishman there and I wanted to do him. So I did. Downstairs on the couch. The next whole day was spent my hand in his traipsing about the lower east side; sunshine, cupcakes, an entire store dedicated to the purveyance of Big Lebowski memorabilia. beautiful. He stood sullen, facing West on the sidewalk as my bus groaned away from the curb.

I get home and not a day later a phone call from this boy, "I want to see you." He hops a plane and we meet again at Hartsfield Jackson Airport. The next whole week was spent my hand in his traipsing about the hillsides and valley; sunshine, breakfast, Neil Gaiman in bed. magic. I looked 'round and watched him walk back into security over the fur lined edge of my coat hood.

His pale, wistful face and sunken eyes were perfect and storybook grey; 'spose they still are. dreamy. We spent Winter not seeing each other, but perfecting the art of the skype date. As it was, January's ice and snow sogged into February which stayed resolutely cold and damp. Birds are meant to be free and Holding on was a selfish act performed in tandem 'til it hurt.

So we stepped away.

[fluxquanta]

My relationship advice to myself: Stop being such a fucking pussy.

Hope that helps.

[The Gunner]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

*gasp* leave time with bird?

I don't know. The only leave I'll get offered is going to be around Christmas and I don't think I'm going to take it.

[marina]

Originally Posted by campy

So, what was your worst date and why was it bad??

In high school, a guy from my AP art class that I didn't know very well asked me to go to a movie with him, and I agreed. He picked me up, and when I asked if it was a date, he laughed condescendingly at me and said something to the effect of "we'll see," which made no sense to me.

The movie he took me to was a creepy art film where Robin Williams is a psycho, obsessed with the perfectness of one of his photomat customers, and when he finds out that the wife is cheating, he breaks into her house while she's entertaining her lover, beats her and forces her to suck her boyfriend's dick while Williams takes pictures and cries. Then I think he kills the boyfriend and tells her that if she doesn't stay faithful to her husband, he'll be back. Or something scary.

It was a really shit date movie, and as he drove me back to my house, which was a good 30-45 mins away we sat in complete silence. Eventually I said "Well, she's never going to suck a dick the same way again." and that was it.

He was a shitty artist anyway.

[campy]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

I've had two Lovers post-divorce. and, of course, a few more sexual experiences between friends.

The first was a fellow KATGer I met in New York last Fall. I sold my wedding set to spend a long weekend with my dear friend Scooter Pie in Philly. He invited me up because I needed to get the fuck out of town--good man, golden human. Two of those days were spent in NYC meeting up with our community friends. I can't say much about the Jenga Party, but I met an Irishman there and I wanted to do him. So I did. Downstairs on the couch. The next whole day was spent my hand in his traipsing about the lower east side; sunshine, cupcakes, an entire store dedicated to the purveyance of Big Lebowski memorabilia. beautiful. He stood sullen, facing West on the sidewalk as my bus groaned away from the curb.

I get home and not a day later a phone call from this boy, "I want to see you." He hops a plane and we meet again at Hartsfield Jackson Airport. The next whole week was spent my hand in his traipsing about the hillsides and valley; sunshine, breakfast, Neil Gaiman in bed. magic. I looked 'round and watched him walk back into security over the fur lined edge of my coat hood.

His pale, wistful face and sunken eyes were perfect and storybook grey; 'spose they still are. dreamy. We spent Winter not seeing each other, but perfecting the art of the skype date. As it was, January's ice and snow sogged into February which stayed resolutely cold and damp. Birds are meant to be free and Holding on was a selfish act performed in tandem 'til it hurt.

So we stepped away.

Very charming story...so lovely and romantic...this thread is doing my heart good.

Fletch, good advice,

Medium...you are running around the parking lot to the restaurant as a goofy joke? Maybe she didn't get it. She sounded like an honest gold digger...that's not really a good combo....she is suppose to lure the guy in with tits and conversation, then marry him and drain his life blood dry with frivolous shopping trips...him none the wiser.

My worst date was a guy I met on a phone line. I actually went to H.S with this creep so I felt sort of safe meeting him in my neighbourhood. I met him at a local restaurant, he brought no money with him but ordered himself a coffee and fries, I ordered a coffee and paid for his snack. The conversation was centered squarely around him, his life, his school, his hopes and dreams. He was cute though so I suggested we go for a walk. We circled the neighbourhood where he complained he was "to hot" and could I buy him a popsicle. So I did....but I was turned off by this point. Another 45 minutes or so of this guys best game (in other words more conversation about himself) and I made an excuse of "uhhh sorry, I have a paper to write...maybe we can do this some other time?" Knowing full well that i'd rather be punched in the face with a bag of rusty nails then spend another 20 seconds with this douche. He offers to drive me home "since it's on the way and won't cost me anymore in gas money".
The capper to the date from hell..." So, here's the thing...I haven't had sex in a really really long time. I was thinking you could be the first?"

Eck, *gag* "sorry?"

"you know...it's been awhile so....you interested?"

"No, stop the car, lose my number please"

I want to say that I didn't expect this guy to buy me dinner...I insisted on going Dutch when I was dating because I thought it best to keep it on an even playing field, I didn't not expect to pay, that was never part of the deal when I was out and about. That being said if the guy couldn't afford a dinner or film I was perfectly happy going for a walk, meeting at a local site that was free entry or whatever...hence why I suggested to this guy that we walk the neighbourhood.

[JessiC]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

I've had two Lovers post-divorce. and, of course, a few more sexual experiences between friends.

The first was a fellow KATGer I met in New York last Fall. I sold my wedding set to spend a long weekend with my dear friend Scooter Pie in Philly. He invited me up because I needed to get the fuck out of town--good man, golden human. Two of those days were spent in NYC meeting up with our community friends. I can't say much about the Jenga Party, but I met an Irishman there and I wanted to do him. So I did. Downstairs on the couch. The next whole day was spent my hand in his traipsing about the lower east side; sunshine, cupcakes, an entire store dedicated to the purveyance of Big Lebowski memorabilia. beautiful. He stood sullen, facing West on the sidewalk as my bus groaned away from the curb.

I get home and not a day later a phone call from this boy, "I want to see you." He hops a plane and we meet again at Hartsfield Jackson Airport. The next whole week was spent my hand in his traipsing about the hillsides and valley; sunshine, breakfast, Neil Gaiman in bed. magic. I looked 'round and watched him walk back into security over the fur lined edge of my coat hood.

His pale, wistful face and sunken eyes were perfect and storybook grey; 'spose they still are. dreamy. We spent Winter not seeing each other, but perfecting the art of the skype date. As it was, January's ice and snow sogged into February which stayed resolutely cold and damp. Birds are meant to be free and Holding on was a selfish act performed in tandem 'til it hurt.

So we stepped away.

You write beautifully.

[Medium Brumski]

Giving up some of your ego and wants for the other person. And you can't point out how "good" your actions are.

-Usually I'd be watching TV right now, but I'd rather hang out with you
-Usually I'd be reading my new book right now, but I'd rather hang out with you
-Usually I'd be playing video games right now, but I'd rather hang out with you
-Usually I'd be at the gym right now, but I'd rather hang out with you

Hmm, probably more specific to my own bachelor life-style, but you get my point.

Originally Posted by campy

Medium...you are running around the parking lot to the restaurant as a goofy joke? Maybe she didn't get it. She sounded like an honest gold digger...that's not really a good combo....she is suppose to lure the guy in with tits and conversation, then marry him and drain his life blood dry with frivolous shopping trips...him none the wiser.

Running around? No, running to. Say it's a big movie theater parking lot on a Friday night, instead of walking the 100-200 feet to the ticket counter, lets jog/run up there. It's faster and I like to move around a little after being in the car for 20 minutes or so. And not really a joke either, but testing for spontaneity, though I see why people think it's goofy. Alternatively I'll offer a piggy-back ride.

[jacey.ATX]

AKA, The Eagle Flies Alone.

Well, a couple of years ago, I went out with a total freak-show. It was one of the strangest interactions of my life, so I wrote it up, because at the time, I performed in a monthly, live stage-show about bad dates/relationships. I never quite figured out how to get it into the show, but maybe you'll enjoy it. Commence copy/paste!

Joseph was an internet date. We planned to meet for happy hour at Restaurant #1, Up North. I got out of the car and he was waiting in the parking lot. He was a decent looking guy, and dressed really sharp, which is a big plus in my book. We said hello and then he said he had been inside already and it was “dead” and “a weird vibe,” so he suggested we go somewhere else.

I said, “Sure, where?” He said, “How about Restaurant #2, Down South?” So, I’m like, "Uh. No. That’s silly. How about one of the dozen places in this very neighborhood... since we're already here...?" So, he suggests Restaurant #3, Around The Corner, which is sort of a cheesy place and not my scene, but he's too short for me anyway, so I say okay so we can get it over with.

We go there in separate cars (of course.) While I’m in the car, driving literally 2 streets over, he calls me to give me specific instructions on how to drive down the block, which was annoying and kind of patronizing and controlling. But THEN he says, "So Jacey, what did you think after our first little meeting there in the parking lot-- like, physical attraction-wise?" (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
So, I say, "Uh... wow. No. Joseph—you’re totally not allowed to ask me questions like that. It's weird and creepy. Pass," to which he laughs and says, “Why not? It's just a simple little question.” I say, "I’m hanging up now because I’m trying to drive. I’ll see you in roughly ten seconds."

I should have gone home. But I am dumb, so I go on to the restaurant, where we sit down at a table on the patio and order drinks. Here is my best memory of the conversation that ensues:
Him:Wow. You were really averse to answering that question! Why do you think that is?
Me: Because it’s sort of a strange, forward thing to ask someone. People just don’t do that.
Him:Well, Jacey, you know, most people in this world live their lives in a reactionary way. But I’m different. In fact, you’ll never meet anyone like me, ever in your life. I choose to live my life in a CONSCIOUS way. And I find that completely OPEN and HONEST communication is one path toward higher consciousness. Because if you are closed off to the truth-- whatever that truth is-- it's because of FEAR. So what do you fear? What fear keeps you from wanting to answer a simple question?

I’ll spare you my retorts, which were polite at first. But I rapidly became more transparently irritated by everything about him. The weird thing is that he didn't even seem to notice that. He just kept going on this new-agey guru stuff, which—for the record—I don’t necessarily disagree with, if you really get down to it. But this is clearly not first date material, and he started it up within 20 seconds of sitting down! He was relentless. It was so irritating… at first.... before it was fascinating, in a Reality TV sort of way.

So, I attempt to change the subject: So... Joseph. What do you do?
Him:I seek to expand my consciousness by exhausting earthly desires...." (and on and on for 5 minutes.)
Me:Yeah, okay... but what do you DO??
Him:I focus on living my life in every second in a way that adheres to the teachings of my mentors and gurus and spiritual teachers. And I try to take the knowledge I’ve gained and pass it on to others, because Jacey--- I’m an extremely receptive person. I’m extraordinarily receptive to the messages the universe is trying to send all of us all the time... and I think it would be a disservice to my gift to deny that. And it is TRULY a GIFT... It’s like an opera singer was blessed with the gift of a beautiful voice… or an artist... (blah blah blah...) My gift is receptiveness to the meaning of the true nature of the universe... (and on and on.)

So I start laughing. Out loud. I say: Joseph, pardon me for laughing, but can you please come back down to earth for a second? I asked you what you do and the answer you just gave me is a little bizarre, don’t you think?
Him:Well... ordinary people might answer with something like “I'm an accountant,” or “I’m in sales,” but I’m not an ordinary person. I’m an extraordinary person, and that’s what you’ll come to learn. Those people are defining themselves by the means by which they put money into their bank accounts, and when you think about it, isn’t THAT the real bizarre thing? Because I choose to define myself by what I’m actually DOING in this life. And that’s the real question, Jacey: what are you actually DOING? What is your purpose? What is the meaning of your life? Why are you here?

Me:(Stunned silence. Looking around for Ashton)

So, he goes on and on like this. I felt like I was at a Deepak Chopra lecture. I even told him that!!! He was un-phased.

I ask him: Okay. How about this, Joseph? LET ME FUCKING REPHRASE: HOW DO YOU FILL YOUR TIME?? WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY, USUALLY??

But it didn’t work. He gave me a similarly bullshit answer, but at some point, it included the following phrase: I'm focusing specifically on exhausting the dichotomy of the relationship between men and women.

Aha!!!
Wait… what? That makes no sense.

He goes on: …because that is one of the strongest earthly desires that can often bring us off of our spiritual paths. There are three reasons people are pulled toward male/female relationships: intellectual stimulation, spiritual confirmation, and sexual desire. So what I’m doing right now is exploring those relationships as much as possible, to the point of exhausting my need for it, so that I can transcend to a higher level.

Me:Wtf are you talking about.
Him:Just think of me as somewhere between a porn star and a Buddhist monk.
(Yes, I am serious. That is a direct quote.)
Me:Okay. And that is your answer to my question, “How do you fill your days?"
Him:Yes.
Me:Basically, what I hear you saying, Joseph, is that you're doing a lot of fucking lately. Am I right?
He laughs.
Me:I mean, pardon me for being so crass, but...
Him:No, no-- don't apologize! I LOVE it. (With this, he looks me straight in the eyes and enunciates the words 'I love it.' I could tell he was trying to be seductive. I almost vomited in my chips/salsa.)
Me:Joseph, have you always been this... intense??
Him:Yes.
(Long silence. We're staring at each other. It’s like a standoff. I’m completely fascinated by this guy. He's so fucking insane, and such a narcissist, and so creepy. I want to make a documentary film about what a douche-bag he is.)
Finally, me:Joseph. Your intensity-- does it make it hard for you to get close to people?

He thinks for a long time. Then, he stares off into the distance and says: “The eagle flies alone."
(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

But wait, there’s more: You know, Jacey, when youre on a spiritual journey like mine, as you become more enlightened, people who resist the journey become less comfortable around you, so yes it's hard to connect with them, but the trade-off is that you become more and more at peace with yourself, so you realize you dont need that. You dont need confirmation from others because you’re at peace all by yourself.

So then the waiter comes and asks if we need another drink, and before I can say, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Guru Joe says, No, I think we’re gonna get out of here, so we just need our check, and WINKS AT ME!
The waiter leaves and he says, I wanna show you my place. I live downtown.
It was pretty tempting. I mean, was it gonna be a dojo or a dorm room? A high-rise or a hovel? But as much as I was dying to know, I’m no anthropologist, and I’d had quite enough.
Me:That's definitely not gonna happen.

But then I realize that this is why he had wanted to change restaurants on me-- so he could get me closer to his house and take me home and fuck me maybe! And I think maybe the switching locations thing is his M.O. -- he sees if he's initially attracted to someone in the parking lot of Restaurant #1, and then, if so, he makes the location switch. Meanwhile, he calls to feel out if the girl is attracted to him. If she says no, he bails and saves himself the drink money. If yes, he gets her closer to his lair.

Joe Cool: Well, I just wanna show it to you. It’s a pretty cool place.
Me:Thanks for the invitation. But, no. Really.
Joe:Well, I just want to show you where it is.
Me:Why?
Creeper:So you’ll know where it is, for future reference, in case you need to come over sometime.
Creeped Out:Yeah.... that’s totally and completely not necessary. Trust me.

As Keith would say, I can’t be clearer. But he's not getting it. I can see it on his face. He can't imagine a world in which every woman he meets doesn't swoon at his… spiritual transcendence, or whatever.

Him:You know, Jacey, I really liked your profile. One of the things you said is “proper grammar and an excellent vocabulary will make me putty in your hands."
He then pulls out his keys and shows me this little silver key-chain shaped like a scrabble piece. He shows me the back, which says he was some kind of statewide scrabble champion or something. So I laugh and correct him—
Me:I said it CAN make me putty in your hands. “Can,” not “will.” That's not automatic. It has to be combined with other things that I'm attracted to, as well. I would think that would be pretty obvious.


So, we stand up to go, and we're walking down the sidewalk toward the cars, and I turn to tell him goodbye.
Me:Look, Joseph-- here's the thing: you're an attractive guy, very well dressed, extremely eloquent, and clearly very intelligent. But you and I are not compatible....IN ANY WAY.
Him:Well, Jacey, thank you for the compliments (creepy smile) and if thats how you feel, I respect your honesty, but let me say this...

Then he reaches out and puts his hand on my waist (!!!!!!!!!!!), so I immediately back away from him and say: Oh... no! No no no no. You don't get to touch me. I don't know you, and people who don't know me, they don't get to touch me-- not ever.

He laughs inappropriately. Wow, you really have so many boundaries. You are so closed off. It’s really sad.
Me:I really didn’t think this could get worse, but there you go!
Him:Okay, well just listen to me for a second. I have to tell you something important: I find you extremely sexy, and I want to ask you, even though we're not "compatible," as you say, in a romantic sense, I’m wondering if you’d be interested in pursuing, with me, a purely sexual relationship.



So then i blew him in the bathroom.
Of course.
And it was.... transcendent.

OR, I said: Absolutely not. 100%, unequivocally, no.
Him (astonished):Why not?
Me:Well, Joseph, there are probably a hundred and fifty reasons why not. But one of them is that I don't want a purely sexual relationship with anyone at the moment.

Then he tells me, in case I didn’t know, that sex is a deeply cathartic and meditative act, and it’s fun, as well. So, why not? Haven’t you ever had or desired a purely physical relationship? Haven't you ever had a one-night stand????
And that was it. His impropriety trumped my morbid curiosity.

Me:Okay, I’m leaving now. Good luck on your spiritual journey, and I hope you find an awesome fuck buddy, but I’m totally not her, so.. (I started to say “see ya later,” but I caught myself) So, see ya.... never, actually. See ya never!

And.... scene. Ta-da!!!!
The Worst Date Ever.