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[Mr. Bean]

Hello everybody I am turning to you for some advice. NoArmsJames feel free add anything that I may have forgotten to add.
This has everything to do with my fucked up family. I am now 30 years old. I’ve been married for five years, and I have two children, a three-year-old and a two-year-old. My wonderful wife is British with all the wonderful aspects that come with it everything from her temper to her sexy accent.
The fucked up family that I have consists of three sisters, one older two younger, my mother and father. My father has borderline narcissistic personality disorder, and NAJ says my mother has Stockholm syndrome.
I feel very fortunate in the fact that I live in one of the most the most beautiful places in the world, Cape Cod. However the place where I live comes with a huge cost of living. And I’m not making it here, from my rent, student loans, transatlantic family, and a $2000 a month daycare bill. All while living 1.5 miles away from my mom and dad, who offer little to no help. To the point where my parents think that me and the wife need to struggle and they have made a conscious effort not to help us.
That’s all the background now for the advice. Back in October my wife and I told my family that we had looked for jobs in England. You would thought I’d done the worst thing I could ever do to anybody. My mother and father told me to get out of the house and that they only had three daughters, my younger sisters flipped out, and my oldest sister said nothing. The end of November comes, and we tell my family that my wife might not be back after Christmas if she gets a job in England.
You would’ve assumed I killed somebody’s dog with the way they reacted and the hostility that they showed towards my wife. That is something that I’ll have a very hard time getting over. My fucked up family has withdrawn all support from me and my wife and kids (the little that they gave, both emotional and other). NAJ says “fuck it forget them move to England, you do need their support, however, you don’t need the shit storm that they are giving you instead. You don’t need their approval and if they can’t handle it they don’t deserve to have a relationship with you, your wife, or children.”
While I would appreciate support from my family because I am going to be separated from my wife and children until I can get a visa to England, because I don’t want to be the equivalent of a Mexican in Europe. I don’t think I’m going to get it. So I would like to hear from all of you and what all of you think.

[NoArmsJames]

borderline narcissistic personality disorder just scratches the surface. This asshole is a control freak.

Bean and me were gonna go to NY one year for New Years when we were 19 or 20. The night before we were supposed to leave his father cancels the whole thing so Bean can babysit. We had it planned for months.

This is the fucking asshole who will fucking pester you for years about how great a Ford is, then when you get a Ford will criticize you for not buying Japanese.

He will fucking praise Hilton Hotels, then when you stay in one tell you what an idiot you are for not staying at a Mariott.

I could go on and on...

I should mention that the absolute immaturity and lack of support is really hurting Mr. Bean. It's not something that he just shrugs off.

[EastTexas]

The fact is you can't control other people's decisions. You also don't have to capitulate to what they want, as they can't control yours.

When my mom died she was mad at me and not talking to me. We had a phone conversation where she was wanting to know some personal information I didn't want to share (it was personal). She said well if you don't want to talk about that, then I guess we don't have anything to talk about. So, because I wouldn't talk about one specific thing, she decided to be mad and we couldn't talk about anything.

She died a few days later from a heart attack.

I felt bad for quite awhile that my mom wasn't talking to me when she died. That she was upset with me. Then I kind of realized, it wasn't me. She made the decision to be angry with me over something that she didn't need to.

So my point.
If you're parents want to die being angry at you, then that's what they've decided they want to do. It's unfortunate, but you can't control what they want to do.
Me personally, I no longer hold grudges. For tomorrow we may die.

[philsov]

topic title liiiied!

While you may need your outside family's support, it simply isn't going to happen and I don't think you can do anything to change that. Look forward and focus on your wife and kids. Mail/give your wife (and you) a webcam/microphone/headset/something and get something like Skype -- Britain is 5 hours ahead of where you are, iirc, which is plenty of windows to video chat with your personal family.

Also maybe lean a bit on your older sis? She seems to be the most neutral of the bunch?

Besides, the visa should come rather quickly, no? Spouse of a citizen and whatnot -- you don't even need to have a job lined up. It hurts your debt some but it'll save on the daycare cost until you find something local in Britain.

[amyuilani]

Some family members just are not compatible, even siblings and offspring. I have a great relationship with my parents but my brother still disrespects me at every opportunity. I love him and always will, but there are times where I do not put up with it and ask him to leave my home. I don't just have to accept anything because we're family; I'm an adult and I get to decide how I deserve to be treated, and if my own family cannot show me the respect I deserve, then fuck them. It's their loss.

I think you need to consider your small children and the impression the relationship you and your wife have with your parents will make on them. You may not even realize it until they are older and their behavior in certain situations mimmicks what you and your parents do. When that's their example, it's not healthy. I think it's better for your kids to know that they may love their grandparents, but it's not healthy to be around relationships like that. At the same time, even if you decide not to spend time with your parents anymore, I wouldn't cut off contact between your kids and your parents unless you think it's necessary (like they're telling your kids what fucktards their parents are). Some states have rights for grandparents and they can sue you for visitation.

I'm sorry you have this kind of relationship with your parents. But you're an adult now, and you don't owe anyone, even your parents, anything anymore.

[bofadeeznizzles]

If they're not willing to actually love you, to hell with them.

[DWarrior]

You're clearly a liar and deserve whatever parents [don't] give you.

[Spanky McDuck]

Originally Posted by bofadeeznizzles

If they're not willing to actually love you, to hell with them.

I'd give the same advice just in nicer terms. :-) You are a grown man. If they will not support your decisions, move on.

[John Galt]

I know you think you've moved out of your parent's house, but you haven't. Do it.

[Kimberly]

Dysfunctional families work best at far distances and in small doses. If they aren't helping you anyway, then cut them from your emotional life and maintain a surface relationship. You sound like a busy man. Talk to them on weekends, do what you need to do. Assume they will fuck with you, so you aren't upset when they do. Then move to England!