Your Buddy is Marrying a Scumbag: Quick! What Do You Do?

[jacey.ATX]

Hypothetical Situation

Let's say you have a buddy named Jordan, who is one of your closest friends from childhood/high school, and who just moved to your city with a new fiancé. They've known each other 4 months, there is a GIANT age gap (fiancé is 20+ years older and has a kid Jordan's age), the fiancé is from another country and does not have citizenship, and they plan to get married as soon as possible, sometime in the next 6 weeks.

You go out with them one night and, over the course of 7 hours together, you find the fiancé to be horrible in almost every conceivable way: empirically unattractive, obviously broke, weirdly and sort of grossly handsy/flirtatious/PDA-prone, inconsiderate/borderline rude, and generally vague and evasive, with a questionable personal history. The fiancé is clearly the free-spirited vagabond type, and shows no signs of being responsible or trustworthy in any way. You're very suspicious and you honestly cannot understand what Jordan sees in this person.

Despite all of this, Jordan, who has always been sort of a flighty dreamer, appears to be on Cloud 9, and tells you, "I have never been happier or more sure of anything in my life. I can tell this thing is meant to be. It's bigger than either of us. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know it will be amazing, as long as we're together." Jordan does not ask for your opinion or your approval. You remember that, over the past few years, Jordan has been talking about wanting kids as soon as possible, and you can feel disaster looming on the horizon.

You call another close friend, Taylor, who lives in your hometown and has met the fiancé. Taylor echoes all of your concerns about the weird fiancé, and both of you are really worried about your friend. Taylor wants to come to visit for the weekend sometime soon so that the two of you can voice your concerns to Jordan. "I don't know if it will do any good," says Taylor, "but I think we at least have to try."

What do you do?

On one hand... I'm generally of the opinion that if someone doesn't ask for advice, you should keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a meddler, and people usually do whatever they're going to do, regardless of what you think about it.

But on the other hand... I kind of think that if a good friend of mine is heading straight into a disaster, I'm not being a very good friend if I don't at least try to warn them.

At the same time... I know that love is blind and deaf and stupid, and that it's a force to be reckoned with. Odds are the little intervention will be futile, so why be so dramatic and risk alienating our friend?

But then again... if I was blinded by love and about to do something so incredibly stupid, I would want the people who love me to make it very difficult for me to do so. I would want them to ask me the hard questions that might make me start to reconsider, or at least slow my roll a tad.


*sigh*
I can't solve this one, people. Help me out.

[NoArmsJames]

Tell him/her, otherwise you're not being a good friend.

[alannanana]

Speak up. At the very least, you tried. Proceed to move on with your life.

[Cretaceous Bob]

What I would do:

I would not hesitate to express some displeasure to her about the guy, but only in context of a conversation about him or relating to him. I would not say so in the context of intervening; nobody is going to value someone else's opinion about someone over their own. Unless I learned things about him that I thought she did not know, I would not butt in.

[Junkenstein]

Ill sound rude, but personal experience in a similar situation has taughtme tyhat any form of action or speaking up will just make you look like an ass.

So.

If you can, keep your opinion to yourself and distance from said friend. As good as friendships are, some other things come first and there is no chance in heaven or hell that any friend will listen to your advice if he/she is in love. they'll just end up hating you.

The scumbag probably doesnt òlike you as well, they'll do their best to make you and your friend grow apart. or on the opposite spectrum, youll find them ever more present in your life. people like that are surprisingly clingy.

Best thing is to let go.

[Space Indaver]

Link 'Jordan' to this thread?

[BrianAlt]

Different situation, but I have a friend that was with the wrong woman and getting married. I absolutely told him I thought it was a mistake. They got divorced after a couple of years.

Then there is my cousin. He was marrying a bitch. I told him that he shouldn't. I told him that he needed to hunt down his ex-gf and get her back. She was the one! Unfortunately the ex didn't want him back. He got married and he is still with this woman and they have two kids. He is miserable, but he won't do anything about it. So misery is his life.

You have to speak your mind. If this person doesn't want to hear it, move on. If he says, thanks, but I know what I'm doing, say fine and move on. Don't press the issue. Just say what you want to say and drop it. Know that he might get angry at you. Explain that you'll support his decision, but it has been bothering you and you needed to speak your mind.

[MrPoutine]

Let your friend live his own life.

[Sparrow]

See something. Say something. You're friends. That's what friends do.

[Junkenstein]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

See something. Say something. You're friends. That's what friends do.

True, but thats one of those awful exceptions were the other part will NEVER listen and saying something will just make things awkward.

Actually the best thing IMNRHO would be being there for the evntual fallout, but that might never happen and would sour everything.