3081: Then It Fell Apart w/ Kevin Allison

[Michael's Servant]

Quitting drinking; PTSD and love; Arthur, Alabama, and the controversial gay rat and aardvark wedding; Sansa and the Game of Thrones petitions; Moby vs. Natalie Portman

Guest:
Kevin Allison



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[Keith]

You tell a fast story, Apia.

Anyway, I'm one of the first people to answer the poll to help get it going and so that I can make sure the poll literally works. I clicked No, but later it hit me:

I think I was comparing myself to Chemda, meaning I didn't ever necessarily feel the way she seems to be, but I'm a little more cut and dry - Is it over? Then it's over. Could be my fault. But it's over, so I understand it's the end. (I'm a terrible person to test. I will not get a hint. I will not chase after.)

With that said, I certainly carry things over. Dating Kyle, I realize I'm a harder ass than a less damaged or lived-in person would be. I'm like, "No, this doesn't make sense and it's my feelings and I'm shut down until I hear another word or 2 that helps continue the conversation."

All of that has to be from a past relationship or 3. I don't necessarily feel the S part of PTSD - Stress - but all that shit certainly carries over.

Hmm...

Alright, I'll stick with my No for now.

[Keith]

Please Chemda. She’s begging.

[Sparrow]

oh, hackles down, Apia. Chemda’s not wrecking anything. she’s got a heart wound and those take time to heal. uncertainty and doubt are part of that.

when Kate ran off with Sarge it crushed my ability to trust when people say they love me. it took years for it to settle into my bones that Bear was being honest when he said it, that he wanted to be with me for me, that he wanted and could handle being my person. i had no intention to marry again, he never pushed me, he just became my next of kin somewhere along the line. i can count on him. believing that was a Victory.

[Sparrow]

fun fact: Bear was my first online sourced hookup and it stuck. i don’t regret leaning into it instead of playing the field.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Apia

I think you are right.
It’s just...

PLEASE, CHEMDA! PLEASE!!!

[AstoriaGirl]

Obviously I cannot therapize Chemda via internet forums, but I feel like something to think about is what lead Chemda to stay in a relationship with someone that she no longer trusted, and what lead her to doubting her own reality over the facts. Like with the earring story, it's never blah blah blah, so why even entertain "maybe it was a gift" or whatever

[Lanfear]

Chemda has been talking to us about going to groups for years - change is not easy

[Lanfear]

Originally Posted by Apia

If I was a cool podcast host in New York like Chemda I would try Ayahuasca in this situation.
I heard it helps you deal with this kind of stuff.

No that's not how that works

[Lanfear]

Originally Posted by Apia

Why not? She already does all the work. Maybe it’s a little help.

Even if it did - which it doesn't - why would you want that?

Chemda is somebody who likes to take care of people, she wants to help, she emphasizes with struggle that's a big part of her personality.
At least that's what I gathered from listening to her for years and what dear friends of mine that actually know her tell me about why she is such a lovely human.

Does she make herself more vulnerable than I would? Probably.
Does that mean I'm happier? Doubt it.