06-14-2006, 09:19 AM
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#1 (permalink)
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: NYC
Posts: 290
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An Open Letter to All Animals.
From: http://www.threequestionmarks.com/bl...-animals.html/
Quote:
February 22, 2005
An Open Letter to All Animals.
Dear Animals of Earth,
For your advisement, I have created a list of things you can do to avoid being killed/eaten by me, merkley???. Here we go;
1. Learn to read, otherwise this list is useless.
2. Don't be an ASSHOLE. This means you MOUSE.
a. Don't run away like a sneaky little bitch when you hear me coming.
b. Don't poop wherever the fuck your stupid little mouse anus decides to squeeze one out.
c. Don't chew holes in my stuff. This is completely rude an unnecessary you inconsiderate, vandal jerk. Don't you know that I can crush you?
d. Don't steal. This means my cereal, pasta, cookies, etc... you low life THIEF! Ever heard of asking? Ever heard of getting a job and buying your own god damn pancake mix? Get a clue you fucking mooch. Jesus Christ, don't expect me to shed one tear when you steal some poisonous shit and you end up dying alone under the fridge. Crime DOES NOT PAY dickweed. By the way, go die outside somewhere. I don't need any fat flies buzzing around like a bunch of fags.
3. Stop having so many fucking kids. This means you DOG and CAT. As much as I like you,
a. Just because you have six nipples doesn't mean you need to use all of them. I don't know, maybe you like having your vital hoohaa parts scooped out, maybe you like having your marbles removed, but I seriously doubt it. I'm tired of mutilating your genitals and killing 10 million of your offspring each year. Wrap that shit up, It's the fucking 90's mann.
4. Don't act like a fucking schitzoid spazz! This means you CHICKEN.
a. Stop jerking around all fast and jittery like. Try some more fluid type motions. Have a little grace.
b. Learn how to fly. Any bird that can't fly for more than ten feet needs to be shot on the spot. Aren't you embarrassed? Jesus.
c. Read item number 2 and learn some fucking manners -- ASSHOLE.
d. Grow some lips! The facial expression you were born with is stupid.
e. Stop blinking so much. Retard.
f. Shut the fuck up with your stupid cockadoodlebullshit, it's like you're begging me to axe your gangly, boney neck. TEST ME.
g. When I do finally chop off your psychotic head, lay down and die with some dignity, running around like a chicken, I mean **YOU** with your head cut off just makes me want to chop that faggy thing off for pure entertainment.
5. Don't act like such an empty headed doltish doof. This means you COW!
a. Staring at me while chewing on your own barf for the third time will not earn you my respect, It only makes me want to throw a rock and hit your thick bonehead smack dab between the eyes.
b. PRETEND to remember me. Come over and say hi, give a "what's up" head nod -- something. Even if I did nail you in the head with a rock, ten minutes later you wouldn't remember it was me. Talk about just asking for an ass kicking.
c. Mooing only makes you sound like you have MS. Nobody cares about anyone with MS unless they talk in a robots voice about black holes. We'd eat him too if he wasn't all crumpled and slobbery and he tasted like steak. MOOOOOOOoooooooo --- yeah nice -- Corky.
d. Blink more and not in slow motion. But don't blink as much as the fucking psycho chicken.
e. Make a decision. Either have one penis or individual boobs. One big boob with lots of penises hanging off of it makes you look like a milk peeing freak. Knock it off. Throwing in a new flavor of milk wouldn't hurt either. What's it been.. fifty centuries since you changed that shit up?
6. Do not threaten me EVER! This means you snakes, bobcats, badgers, sharks, lions, tigers, bears etc...
a. This world is mine, not yours. You may be able to get away with eating an occasional hippie --- and that's totally cool, but if you see me coming, you better just stay where I can see you, act cute and keep your fucking distance because I'd just love to turn you into a rug, a coat or a pair of boots and mount your "scary" head on my wall. Just give me one little reason you little growling, hissing, rattling fag. Who's tough now? That's what I thought. Pussy.
7. Stop acting like a fucking homeless speed freak! This means you FISH.
a. Grow some eyelids. Nobody is saying you have to blink a billion blinks per second like a crackhead chicken but holy shit, I can't even tell if you're tired. It's impossible to even tell if you fucking sleep at all. You're obviously up to no good if you never close your eyes.
b. If you're gonna stay awake forever and have bulging eyes that never close... fucking USE THEM! How hard can it be to see a freaking net? You don't see Anna Kournikova or John McEnroe getting all tangled up and dragged into the ocean do you? DUH!
c. Stop drinking, breathing and swimming around in your own pee. That's just plain disgusting.
8. Get a talent! This means ALL OF YOU!!
a. Learn tricks, nobody wants to kill flipper because dolphins are rad. They have good blinking habits, they don't over breed, they come over and say hi, they don't run away. If they steal it's cool because they will stick around and brag about it. They smile, they have an interesting squeak that sounds like talking. They try to have sex with humans -- learn form dolphins. They are your ticket.
b. Be funny. Penguins have this one mastered, they even dress nice. -- dogs, cats, the ones who actually are cool have all learned about being funny. Monkeys and certain talking birds have discovered this mealticket too.
c. Learn to talk. Nobody is killing and eating parrots -- why? Because I can teach you to swear. Learn to swear.
d. Learn to ride a bike. Bears and monkeys who have mastered this have spared themselves death by me. Look, if you do the things listed above, the worst that could happen is you might find yourself in the circus. Hey, beats the slaughterhouse.
e. Be a friendly, reliable form of transportation. You'll be able to live a decent life driving me around and I'll give you the proper send off by turning you into glue, Glue is AWESOME. You should be so lucky as to become glue.
9. Don't be DELICIOUS. This means most of you but especially PIGS.
a. Seriously, STOP IT! I actually feel bad for you pigs because you have great blinking habits on par with humans even, you smile, you can learn tricks, you're friendly, you're funny, you'll eat anything -- but holy crap do you ever taste yummy. It's almost sad, so close yet so far. You really really need to stop being delicious. Even vegans want to eat you.
b. Get rid of your hooves. If you could grow some paws, I might let you in the house. The hooves scratch the floors and make too much noise. Softer fur would help too, you're not as cuddly as you could be. Eating your own crap isn't doing anything for you. Abandon it. Poor pigs.
10. Get more useful appendages.
a. Grow some thumbs. Thumbs are crucial. Use your thumbs to learn how to drive and operate heavy machinery -- oh and guns. I will never fully respect you until you are packin heat. You'll need thumbs for that.
b. Tails are a good idea but most of you just waste them by wagging them all over the place, monkeys and kangaroos are on the right track, but you need to focus on real dexterity --- maybe a pronged tail --- be creative.
c. Your horns are useless. Get rid of them, they just make me want to kill you and take them. Horns look way better on my wall than they do on your head. Your energy would be much better spent on thumbs and extra tails.
last but not least:
11. NEVER LISTEN TO HIPPIES!!
a. Hippies are stupid. They will tell you to just be yourself. They are trying to change me to suit your needs. This will never work. Hippies are living on borrowed time anyway. I am your friend because I am shooting straight with you. Hippies want to be more like you. Hippies are dumber than most of you. If I were you, I would eat hippies.
That's all for now. I'll update this list whenever I think of something to help you out. Don't ever say I never done nothin fer yiz.
Yeah right. Dumbfucks can't even read.
your pal,
merkley???
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06-14-2006, 09:19 AM
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