3416: Home Sweet Home

[Keith]

Chemda gets another care package from the mom that isn’t talking to her, and Keith joins his siblings to visit his mom in assisted living with an extended cameo from his dad. New to KATG? Be sure to also visit KATG.com/DAD

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[littlp]

I just started this episode because I couldn’t wait. And I fucking KNEW your dad would be a pain in the ass for the nursing home staff. They all curse when they see him coming through the doors. And I’m sure he’s been talked to many times.


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[littlp]

Yeah I knew your dad was a narcissistic piece of shit before but Jesus Christ. I’m not at all surprised that your mom hid money from your dad. Sad that he’s squandering it away. He’s likely not going to be found incompetent to manage his finances because people are allowed to make bad decisions and mistakes. I just hope your siblings don’t try to rescue him when he does spend all of the money.

Dementia sucks. It basically is the brain dying and the first part of the brain to go is the frontal lobe where reasoning and impulse control is. That is why we see people acting out sexually and in other ways. They get a thought and they do it. And they do revert back to a certain point in their lives. It can change every day. I’ve had Veterans revert back to their time in war, the service, jail etc. and since a lot of them never talked about it with their family it is a nasty surprise.

Your mom is likely not in any distress. And if she ever is it’ll be short and she won’t remember. I’ll bet the staff loves her. I hate that they have to deal with your dad. That poor social worker has probably had to have more conversations with your dad than she ever wanted to over the stupid shit he’s pulled.

And Chemda-it is fucked up that your mom is still sending care packages trying to guilt you into talking with her.


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[Scorpion]

My Mom used to hide money from my Dad. She said anytime she had money he would ask a million questions on where she got it and why she needed it. in the mid 70's she got her drivers license and bought herself a car. He was mad about it but she had a job of her own at that point and told him she could do what she wanted with her money and was sick of walking 5 miles each way to work.

He was never happy that she felt the need to have a job but she didn't like having to have explain and justify anything she wanted.

He was a bit controlling and had other issues. I understand he sounds like a big jerk but he did love my Mom very much. He got better as time went on and took really good care of her when she got sick even though by then they were separated for many years.

[Hera Again]

It was heartbreaking to hear about Keith’s visit with his Mom. I’ve been thru it with my dad. I don’t know if he ever recognized me as his daughter but i would just smile and talk to him in a gentle tone, and it was nice. Read to him. Bringing music that your loved one enjoyed helps a lot - people with dementia really respond to that. They do get tired out quickly tho, and i wouldn't take it seriously when Keith’s mom indicated ‘don’t visit again.’

[Svage]

yeeesh, sorry to hear about your mom Keith.

I'm not surprised your dad got a talking to.

Chemda mentioned getting the government involved in taking over his finances because hes being reckless. Its called a conservatorship, its what Britney Spears has, you and the siblings could say hes losing his marbles and appoint someone as the conservator.

also, i believe if he racks up debt and dies you're not responsible for the debt. what would most likely happen is the debt collectors would be first in line and would try to recoup what they're owed by taking his estate, or whatever is left of it. And then you guys would be next to get what's left if there is anything left or owed to you.

[Scorpion]

Originally Posted by Svage

...
also, i believe if he racks up debt and dies you're not responsible for the debt. what would most likely happen is the debt collectors would be first in line and would try to recoup what they're owed by taking his estate, or whatever is left of it. And then you guys would be next to get what's left if there is anything left or owed to you.

All before funeral services are paid of course. Then if they take everything the children have to pay for the funeral fees.

as for the conservatorship they are hard to get and you will need a good lawyer and probably several doctors to agree assuming of course he fights it. I can't imagine he wouldn't. I'm not an expert by any means but I know someone who tried to do this with her mother and one sibling helped fight it and that took a lot credibility from the one trying to make it happen. Especially if I remember right one sibling testified not against the conservatorship but in doubt of it. In the end the siblings agreed to keep a very close eye on the mother and it came out okay in the end. The mom in this case was no Father Malley of course so there is that...

Naturally the judge makes the biggest difference. Come to think of it - if you could tell your dad that the Judge is a Mormon or Jehovah's witness or maybe you could tell him the Judge doesn't believe Daniel was all that! Then your dad will bore or irritate the judge into agreement!

Jokes aside I hope it all works out with as little additional pain to you, your Mom and siblings as possible.

[Apia resurrected]

Halva is for a reason I dont know also very popular in Poland.
I always knew and liked it.
It was as common as maybe cookies.

[bluenova]

I wonder if the Dad was so focused on the kids not talking about the money they received because he felt the wrong kids got more money and it's his personal feelings of being upset over that that are driving this. He's trying to convince himself when listing the reasons.

I personally don't feel good about Ken trying to mend the path in the way he did. I feel like to these type of people who aren't in reality will interpret it as taking their side. By saying there are two sides and Keith is too proud, the Dad hears that the son is politely saying Keith is in the wrong. Keith is not too proud, the Dad did a fucked up thing and Keith drew a reasonable boundary in order for them to continue having a relationship. If the Dad has other issues, those are separate. He's trying to justify immoral behavior he would judge others for by focusing on separate things he takes issue with Keith on and avoiding what he did wrong. He can get away with this self delusion easier with the siblings avoiding it and trying to nicely nudge him in the right direction.

[Apia resurrected]

Father M is a terrible gas lighter.
I know what he did, because I listen to every episode of the show, and at first I still thought, yes, maybe there is something on both sides. It’s only because he is an old man with a sick wife and it’s normal to want to feel sorry for him. But NO.
Than I remembered what he really did and that he is the worst.

The good thing is, hearing about him makes me appreciate my father more.
He is annoying sometimes, but he is not a creep, never was, and he is responsible with money.