This isn't funny, it's actually depressing.

[I_Like_Kittens]

Hi,
A few times on the show I have heard Chemda mention depression. I have depression right now and I actually had to take time off from my summer internship because it's starting to get worse. It always gets worse when I go back to school, so I'm nervous. I was just wondering if there was anyone out there with depression who wanted to share their stories of dealing with it. If you don't want to talk about it in forums, you could PM me. I just would like to talk to other people about it.

[perclissigi]

I don't mind mentioning it on the forums. Good thread title by the way, you don't want to lead people on!

I've had quite a problem with depression in my life. I was always the odd one out really, picked on at school from day one, nearly every day for 11 years. The only time I wasn't picked on was when the bullies gave me a grace period for a few months. While this sounds quite nice, it was because my sister had died of a brain tumor. She was 11 at the time, and I was 14.

Anyway, i'm not here to moan about that. I've been on anti-depresants twice, for a year both times, self-harmed to the point there my arms are shredded beyond belief (they're still healing), then moved on to my legs. (To anyone else that reads this, please don't say self-harm is just an attention thing...unless you've been there you'll never understand).

I've also -seriously- attempted suicide twice, and have only just got the all-clear from liver function tests (the last one was an overdose last year). You might wonder why i'm telling you all this... it's because i'm OK now. It gets better. Life will be ok, and you CAN deal with it. If anyone critisises you for moaning, fuck them, it's a serious thing, you can't quantify misery, it's all relative to experience. Never feel guilty for feeling the way you do. If you feel it, it's justified.

There are lots of places online that you can get more help, lots of forums, it's very easy to find. Find a support network that works for you, and stick with it. It's tough, but i'm sure you know KATG are a friendly community, and feel free to PM me any questions.
I know the grammar and spelling in this probably sucks ass, but i'm just typing as I'm thinking.

One more thing: I hate to say this but you are the only person that can change this situation. While it's not your fault, you can control it.
Hope at least one word of this helps you in some way.

[cogy]

i dealt with depression since middle school. bad things happened here and there, but the main environmental factor was probably my parents miserable marriage (they divorced a couple years back, at least). i didnt see a shrink for it until 2001 and after that i was on anti-depressants most of the time. i had to take cocktails of them and at doses that normally require in-patient commitment. they gave me such horrible tremors i couldnt eat french fries or anything. things would fly from my hands when i tried to hold onto to them. to this day my nerves are so shot that any chemical stressor, alcohol or caffeine or tylenol for instance, will bring back the tremors.

they always watched me for suicide even though i never tried. i was at the depth where i didnt care what happened to me either way. i stopped taking the drugs not more than a year ago. for once i didnt feel worse when i did. i dont know what happened, if i grew wiser or just grew out of it, but now im okay as far as depression goes. like others with depression, i had social anxiety as well, and i think that disappeared due to old fashioned experience and practice in those situations.

one really valuable thing i learned is that you can do things to improve your mood. not coincidentally, these are things i used think were horrible wrongs against myself. for instance, if you feel shitty, act like you dont. work out. try to have a normal conversation. get out of bed and watch tv if nothing else. your mind will follow your will if you are persistent.

realize that no one can help you all the way. i used to expect way too much of people and felt more miserable when friends fell short. this is a common experience in major depression. accept that everyone is flawed, you especially, and thats a-ok.

if i came out of it using the nearly empty toolbox i had to work with, i think you will too. not everyone does, to be honest, but at the very least it becomes something you learn to manage, like the diabeetuhs. it sounds like you will be one who gets through. if theres anything else, im happy to answer.

[jwdd27]

Good post Perc, and good thread ILK.

I've been there and done that depression-wise, apart from the self harming/suicide attempts, cos I'm too much of a pussy to stand the pain.

There are 5,000 people on these forums, and we should support each other - we're in this ting together. There are a lot of idiots on here, but there are also a lot of people with good life experience who can offer good advice.

One of the causes of depression, in my opinion, is worrying about how the rest of the world sees you and how your actions and achievements are perceived.
Once you get to a certain age you realise that it's not important what people think of you. One of my main philosophies is "I just don't give a fuck", and it's served me well in the last couple of years.

Also, always remember the words of Bill Hicks - "It's just a ride".

[Cubby]

I have not personally gone through depression, but I was definitely with an ex-girlfriend who went through it for over a year while I was with her. I know from my experience with her that it is a serious, legitimate condition and that you need help from people around you to get through it. BUT, if you are the only resource a person dealing with depression has, it is an awful exsistence.

This happened when I was in college and my girlfriend refused to take depression medication because she believed somehow that it would mean she was weak and not in control. She would also cut herself and would ask me to hide or remove her scissors and other things she could use to cut with, and then come and find the hiding places and do it anyway. She refused to get out of bed and go to classes where she would see other people, and I used an inordinate amount of my energy to get her out of her room and interacting with people, which never worked. She avoided all people but me and I became every relationship she should have had all rolled into one, so she was in constant need of me all the time. The worst part was that she insisted that no one could ever know she was depressed because she had a "happy person" reputation, so she lied to everyone but me, which I'm sure made it all worse.

The end result was that I started to see myself only as her "caretaker" (I don't know a better word for it) and not as her significant other, so much so that I lost all romantic feelings for her and instead thought of her as my responsibility, that it was my job to make her a normally functional person again.

Eventually she conceded to taking anti-depression meds and told one other person about her depression which helped a hell of a lot (for both of us). This was at the very end of a long and draining school year in which I had exhausted myself trying to help her and seen virtually no change (a very disheartening and defeated feeling). When she finally was back on a normal-ish level (around July) I finally did what I knew I had to do for 11 months: I told her I no longer had any feelings for her and we broke up.

I felt like a huge douche: staying with someone through an intensely difficult time and then ditching when everything was starting to look like it would be OK. But I knew that I couldn't break up with her at any time during her depression because she had told me what she would do without me (suicide among other things). There was simply no way I could stay in a relationship where I was the only one doing anything that totally drained the life from me every day, as well as draining my feelings for her. It was awful.

So now it has been over for years, and as of three months ago she has still not gotten over our relationship (she is still good friends with my sister, that's how I know), and we cannot talk without an incredibly awkward feeling because we both know she's not over it.

So basically I'm saying that depression is awful and needs serious attention. It ruins peoples' lives, both those who suffer from it and those that know people who do. Don't ever shrug depression off and say it is all in someone's head and that they should snap out of it. I don't know if there is a moral to this story or if I come out looking like a douche or not, but if you've never been through depression or been through someone else's, this is just a glimpse into what it really is.

I hope this helps someone understand. If not, make an ignorant post below.

[Woodchuck]

Wow great posts

Since this subject is my forte, I guess Ill chime in. Ill spare the details but Ive dealt with depression since I was about 6 or so (38 years). Name it, Ive done it. What saved my life is medication.

After my 3rd marriage died, I ended up hospitalized and finally faced the fact that I was wacked. A doc there loaded me up with this that and the other thing and by process of elimination found a med that worked for me.

I will never forget how I felt upon discharge. Things looked different. Everything was brighter. I could think clearly. I stayed on the med for 3 years, re-married, made a life and things were great.

Recently, I have fallen back into the abyss. It was difficult, but I started on medication again. Once again, it has saved my life. I hate the fact that Im dependent on a drug, but I realize that it is whats best for me. I hope some day to be off it again, but for now, its right.

The cool thing is my kids think Im Super Dad. I am able to love them back.

It saved my life and showed me what happiness could be. Dont discount the value of the proper medication.

Woody

[stjoe]

Originally Posted by I_Like_Kittens

Hi,
A few times on the show I have heard Chemda mention depression. I have depression right now and I actually had to take time off from my summer internship because it's starting to get worse. It always gets worse when I go back to school, so I'm nervous. I was just wondering if there was anyone out there with depression who wanted to share their stories of dealing with it. If you don't want to talk about it in forums, you could PM me. I just would like to talk to other people about it.

Diagnosed bi-polar. I'm not going to bother reading all the replies, but my story is probably almost exactly the same as theirs, if not a combination of all of them.

[cogy]

maybe we should say what meds worked best for us, although the doctor will prob choose for you. the effexor and remeron combo worked great for me for a long time. i had energy, i could pay attention long enough to do my homework, i didnt break into a sweat when people looked at me or laughed within earshot. but like i said, effexor at the high dose i was on, > 300 mg, causes bad tremors. seeing as i would not have graduated if i had missed one more day of school, it was def worth it.

[ooda]

Originally Posted by cogy

i dealt with depression since middle school. bad things happened here and there, but the main environmental factor was probably my parents miserable marriage (they divorced a couple years back, at least). i didnt see a shrink for it until 2001 and after that i was on anti-depressants most of the time. i had to take cocktails of them and at doses that normally require in-patient commitment. they gave me such horrible tremors i couldnt eat french fries or anything. things would fly from my hands when i tried to hold onto to them. to this day my nerves are so shot that any chemical stressor, alcohol or caffeine or tylenol for instance, will bring back the tremors.

they always watched me for suicide even though i never tried. i was at the depth where i didnt care what happened to me either way. i stopped taking the drugs not more than a year ago. for once i didnt feel worse when i did. i dont know what happened, if i grew wiser or just grew out of it, but now im okay as far as depression goes. like others with depression, i had social anxiety as well, and i think that disappeared due to old fashioned experience and practice in those situations.

one really valuable thing i learned is that you can do things to improve your mood. not coincidentally, these are things i used think were horrible wrongs against myself. for instance, if you feel shitty, act like you dont. work out. try to have a normal conversation. get out of bed and watch tv if nothing else. your mind will follow your will if you are persistent.

realize that no one can help you all the way. i used to expect way too much of people and felt more miserable when friends fell short. this is a common experience in major depression. accept that everyone is flawed, you especially, and thats a-ok.

if i came out of it using the nearly empty toolbox i had to work with, i think you will too. not everyone does, to be honest, but at the very least it becomes something you learn to manage, like the diabeetuhs. it sounds like you will be one who gets through. if theres anything else, im happy to answer.

I've always been one of those people who has always been a bit depressed. Maybe not often it is bad enough to be clinical depression, but there were a couple times when I just broke down and started questioning what I'm doing with my life and why it's worth I continue living.

Unfortunately, I had never gotten therapy, which is weird considering I'm advising everyone else to do it. While the depression wasn't really bad enough to merit therapy, I also did have a social phobia. Basically I would do extremely shy around people in public areas, be scared of doing anything because I was scared of their perceptions of me, and would instead choose to stay at home so as not to have to be exposed to public situations. It wasn't as bad as agoraphobia, it was just that I didn't like crowds. It's worked itself out as of a few years ago, and I'm literally a new person these days in comparison to who I was. Basically the whole thing stemmed from me having an accent, and attention always being brought towards it.

I do wish I had some therapy, especially some behavioral, just so that I'd be better equipped to deal with social situations, but I'm now pretty healthy in that regard. I still think way too much about social interactions, before and after, but the fact I can handle them is enough.

[ooda]

Originally Posted by cogy

maybe we should say what meds worked best for us, although the doctor will prob choose for you. the effexor and remeron combo worked great for me for a long time. i had energy, i could pay attention long enough to do my homework, i didnt break into a sweat when people looked at me or laughed within earshot. but like i said, effexor at the high dose i was on, > 300 mg, causes bad tremors. seeing as i would not have graduated if i had missed one more day of school, it was def worth it.

Don't forget about some of the anti-depressants having bad effects, sex-drive wise. As I haven't used any, I can't give an opinion of my own, but the idea to name what's good for you is a good idea.