This isn't funny, it's actually depressing.

potatocub · 08-15-2006, 12:04 AM

Good topic. It's reassuring to see the responses. I've dealt with serious clinical depression for the last four years. I've had some very dark times and have been through periods of self harm as others have mentioned. Depression is different for each person that is affected by it. I've tried several times to describe depression in my journals and I still don't know if I have adequately managed to do so. Getting help is essential to managing it. I've found medication to be a big help. There are some drugs that seem to be addictive and cause real problems when trying to get off of them. Talk to a doctor about different alternatives before going right for the drugs. The drugs never made me "feel" good, but they did keep my head above water when I needed help. Peace to all of you who deal with depression.

riotstarter · 08-15-2006, 12:44 AM

i too have depression. there seems to be a trend on my fathers side - my grandfather killed himself and my uncle spent some time in a psychiatric ward. my father hoards tings... and i don't know if it's from a result of his behaviour but i'm obsessively clean which means that neither my dad or i can bear to be around each other.

he's a dick anyway so i'm not loosing out.

i started self harming when i was about 17, i'd only ever cut my legs or stomach, places where i knew no one would notice. i was so miserable at home at that point that my self harm got progressively worse until i'd need stitches after each "session". my weight plummeted in the first year of university (i was living away from home, so you would have thought everything would have been magically better) and my depression meant that even waking up in the morning was too much of an effort. i think i probably missed half my lectures that year.

my doctor put me on prozac which made everything worse because the dreams were so funky real that i wouldn't be able to tell if i'd been to college or not, or if i'd seen a person or not, because i might have dreamt it or it could have been true. i had to start asking people what i'd done all day just to check.

then after two suicide attempts, they changed my medication and got it right, and i spent the rest of the academic year in therapy, visiting my psychiatrist and seeing my community psychiatric nurse every day. i decided not to stay at the place i was (prestigious music college where all the girls bitched about me behind my back -i'm not a twin-set and pearls kinda gal) and found myself a new university to study digital media. i broke the news to my parents (my mother was a pushy mum type so she didn't talk to me for a three days when i told her i was leaving music college) and i left and got a job for the rest of the summer.

5 years later, and my parents know nothing of what happened back then. both my eating and my self harming are almost totally in check apart from the odd moment here and there. my mood is "ok". i wouldn't say that each day is roses but it's not the worst. i see it as a bit of a thin line to be walking between depression and normalcy and i freak myself out sometimes worrying what would happen if something goes wrong, like they suddenly tell me they are going to stop my medication (why would they?) but then I tell myself to shut the fuck up and worry about it if it happens.

JoeB · 08-15-2006, 12:57 AM

I don't have a lot to add, because what I considered "depression" is most certainly laughable in comparison to what you guys have gone through. I'd consider it more along the lines of social anxiety combined with a complete lack of motivation, and yet a very conscience mind about what needed to be done. This caused me to break down a lot during the first two years of high-school. I would literally sit and argue with myself over stuff I needed to do, but refuse to do them, even if I had nothing better to do at the time (trivial things like homework became a mental task to even begin starting them.)

It sounds so demented. I believe I even argued with myself for arguing. Meta-arguing? I hate myself for being able to comprehend this at about the fiftieth degree. I'm largely over it, it's a matter of realizing that you're in control of your own thoughts. So perhaps I wasn't depressed, but simply crazy. If it's of any relation I was diagnosed with ADD in third grade, so my mind likes to fucking think, a lot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sexy_Potatoe_with_an_E

I'm happiest when I'm around happy people, that's the best advice I can give you, surround yourself with good people that will make YOU feel good, not people that will reflect your anguish.

As per your quote, I'm not sure this is true for everyone. I had a friend who is clearly depressed and very recently said she can't stand being around my girlfriend and I because we're too happy. I guess it's all about perspective though.

Great thread. I fucking love the KATG community.
Fuck each and every one of you.

PS: CUNTBURGERS!

ooda · 08-15-2006, 04:42 AM

This is going off on a tangent, but I've been reading some journal articles lately about the connection between depression medication and suicide, and the higher incidence in children. Basically, it's obvious that you just feel shitty when you are depressed, and one of the main things is that you don't really feel like doing anything, and if the depression is significant enough, then you start to have suicidal ideation. The problem with blindly using drugs is that your underlying problem is not dealt with, but the medication gives you the energy to do things. You can now see where this is going. If someone had suicidal thoughts, then they were depressed, and this kept them from having the motivation to actually go out an commit suicide. When the medication enters, they still have negative cognitions, but also now have the motivation so as to carry it out.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that medications are good, but don't neglect therapy as well. That said, it's still a few years till I can give a proper professional opinion, so feel free to dismiss this message.

ooda · 08-15-2006, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sexy_Potatoe_with_an_E

It's almost hard to read all of these posts. My mom has been suffering from depression for at least 15 years. It's almost scarey trying to imagine what she feels like everyday, knowing that I can't help. Whenever she tries to open up to me, about how she puts on this merry facade while she feels like killing herself everyday, I can only stare blankly and quickly change the subject. Having to convince her to go to psychiatric emergency when it becomes apparent that she has relapsed and finding past written suicide notes had become a regular routine last year. The real thing that frightens me other than thought of losing my mom, is that it runs in the family on both sides, that I often feel miserable for no real substantial reason it seems, that I am highly susceptible to it. I had been an outcast through all of elementary school and junior high, by the time I got to highschool, with people who were more like me and accepted me, I didn't understand. I chose to isolate myself because I had become so used to being the pariah, it just didn't make sense to me that people actually liked me...it took a whole year of adjustment just to figure out that things could be different. I don't know if I'm depressed or was depressed or have just been influenced by my mom's disassociative, disconnected and bitter tendencies, but I find myself falling into the trend of them. I don't believe that I am depressed but I know that I easily can be so I try to stay aware of my behavior. I tend to be a magnet of those who are as all of my close friends ("Pencil Jerk") are. I've been too many people's support systems and I know what kind of toll that can take, I often believe that's part of the reason why I feel sad sometimes, it seems to be the only consistent thing in the people around me. I'm happiest when I'm around happy people, that's the best advice I can give you, surround yourself with good people that will make YOU feel good, not people that will reflect your anguish.

Forcing a child into a caretaker role really doesn't help anyone as you yourself have not finished developing, and here you are being expected to keep your Mom out of danger, and at the same time she is placing far too much undue guilt upon you. While depression is said to be inheritable (with psychology in generally I'm more a fan of behavior explanations rather than biological), it could also be that with your family members, they all exhibit depressive tendencies (some more than others), and a mirroring-type effect can take place. Like you said, hanging around depressing people also doesn't help, and that's why being around pleasurable activities may have a positive effect. While depressed you won't garner the same, or any, positive experience from the activity, part of treatment is reintroducing these activities, so if you can do it yourself, then at least it's a start.

It's going to be bad when your Mom does die (I'm not trying to be morbid), as it looks like she's trying to take people down with her, and make others feel like she is. As the old adage goes, misery loves company. I would say you'd be better off living by yourself, but then again, I don't know if your Mom could handle the loss, and you'd no doubt feel a fair bit of guilt after caring for her for so long. At least you are keeping her at least somewhat safe (there's only so much you can do), and that's to be commended. That and the fact you're not depressed yourself.

Blitzgal · 08-15-2006, 07:48 AM

I knew there were lots of people dealing with depression; there wouldn't be so many drug ads on television if there weren't. But it's humbling to see so many people willing to talk about it. I also have mental illness and depression in my family. My grandfather on my mother's side was an alcoholic and her mother was (I believe) an undiagnosed manic depression or bi-polar. This was before the time that people were comfortable seeking psychiatric treatment, but she would have manic highs and then go through these periods where she said she was "sick" and would stay in bed for months at a time. I never met her because my mother ran away from home as a teenager.

But anyway, I know my family is predisposed to depression and I went through a seriously rough period of time for the five or six years after my father died. Keith already read my letter about my past abuse on the show so you already know about all that shit. Anyway, I never had the insurance to go see someone about it and when I was able to go see a counselor for brief periods of time, it never helped. But I know that having a strong support system by way of close friends and family does help a lot. It's also good to have friends who know what you're dealing with because they'll be in a position to know where you're coming from and be able to help. I credit my best friend in college with helping me through the toughest times.

Nowadays there are times when I stop and think to myself, "You know, I'm really happy with life," and it gives me such a great feeling. Shit, it only took me fifteen years to really come to grips with everything. But the person who said that once you get old enough to realize that the little things don't matter was right. I'll be thirty in four months and I'm happier now than I ever have been.

DJQuad · 08-15-2006, 07:59 AM

Take it from me, things could be worse.

stjoe · 08-15-2006, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cogy

maybe we should say what meds worked best for us, although the doctor will prob choose for you.

Effexor made me want to kill myself so the doctor doubled the dose, which made me want to kill myself so the doctor doubled the dose. I stopped going to the doctor and took myself off that shit.

Cubby · 08-15-2006, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJQuad

Take it from me, things could be worse.

Tanks, Quad, for making everyone take a step back and go, "oh, yeah..."

Woodchuck · 08-15-2006, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stjoe

Effexor made me want to kill myself so the doctor doubled the dose, which made me want to kill myself so the doctor doubled the dose. I stopped going to the doctor and took myself off that shit.

Effexor works great for me. This illustrates how important it is to have a doctor that 1) Knows about a lot of different meds and 2) Is willing to listen and change the script if it's not working.

08-15-2006, 12:04 AM	#21 (permalink)
potatocub Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Santa Clara, CA Posts: 3	Good topic. It's reassuring to see the responses. I've dealt with serious clinical depression for the last four years. I've had some very dark times and have been through periods of self harm as others have mentioned. Depression is different for each person that is affected by it. I've tried several times to describe depression in my journals and I still don't know if I have adequately managed to do so. Getting help is essential to managing it. I've found medication to be a big help. There are some drugs that seem to be addictive and cause real problems when trying to get off of them. Talk to a doctor about different alternatives before going right for the drugs. The drugs never made me "feel" good, but they did keep my head above water when I needed help. Peace to all of you who deal with depression.
(Offline)

08-15-2006, 12:44 AM	#22 (permalink)
riotstarter Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: London Posts: 20	i too have depression. there seems to be a trend on my fathers side - my grandfather killed himself and my uncle spent some time in a psychiatric ward. my father hoards tings... and i don't know if it's from a result of his behaviour but i'm obsessively clean which means that neither my dad or i can bear to be around each other. he's a dick anyway so i'm not loosing out. i started self harming when i was about 17, i'd only ever cut my legs or stomach, places where i knew no one would notice. i was so miserable at home at that point that my self harm got progressively worse until i'd need stitches after each "session". my weight plummeted in the first year of university (i was living away from home, so you would have thought everything would have been magically better) and my depression meant that even waking up in the morning was too much of an effort. i think i probably missed half my lectures that year. my doctor put me on prozac which made everything worse because the dreams were so funky real that i wouldn't be able to tell if i'd been to college or not, or if i'd seen a person or not, because i might have dreamt it or it could have been true. i had to start asking people what i'd done all day just to check. then after two suicide attempts, they changed my medication and got it right, and i spent the rest of the academic year in therapy, visiting my psychiatrist and seeing my community psychiatric nurse every day. i decided not to stay at the place i was (prestigious music college where all the girls bitched about me behind my back -i'm not a twin-set and pearls kinda gal) and found myself a new university to study digital media. i broke the news to my parents (my mother was a pushy mum type so she didn't talk to me for a three days when i told her i was leaving music college) and i left and got a job for the rest of the summer. 5 years later, and my parents know nothing of what happened back then. both my eating and my self harming are almost totally in check apart from the odd moment here and there. my mood is "ok". i wouldn't say that each day is roses but it's not the worst. i see it as a bit of a thin line to be walking between depression and normalcy and i freak myself out sometimes worrying what would happen if something goes wrong, like they suddenly tell me they are going to stop my medication (why would they?) but then I tell myself to shut the fuck up and worry about it if it happens.
(Offline)

08-15-2006, 04:42 AM	#24 (permalink)
ooda Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Perth, WA Posts: 1,071	This is going off on a tangent, but I've been reading some journal articles lately about the connection between depression medication and suicide, and the higher incidence in children. Basically, it's obvious that you just feel shitty when you are depressed, and one of the main things is that you don't really feel like doing anything, and if the depression is significant enough, then you start to have suicidal ideation. The problem with blindly using drugs is that your underlying problem is not dealt with, but the medication gives you the energy to do things. You can now see where this is going. If someone had suicidal thoughts, then they were depressed, and this kept them from having the motivation to actually go out an commit suicide. When the medication enters, they still have negative cognitions, but also now have the motivation so as to carry it out. Basically, what I'm getting at is that medications are good, but don't neglect therapy as well. That said, it's still a few years till I can give a proper professional opinion, so feel free to dismiss this message.
(Offline)

08-15-2006, 07:48 AM	#26 (permalink)
Blitzgal Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Madison, WI Posts: 3,294	I knew there were lots of people dealing with depression; there wouldn't be so many drug ads on television if there weren't. But it's humbling to see so many people willing to talk about it. I also have mental illness and depression in my family. My grandfather on my mother's side was an alcoholic and her mother was (I believe) an undiagnosed manic depression or bi-polar. This was before the time that people were comfortable seeking psychiatric treatment, but she would have manic highs and then go through these periods where she said she was "sick" and would stay in bed for months at a time. I never met her because my mother ran away from home as a teenager. But anyway, I know my family is predisposed to depression and I went through a seriously rough period of time for the five or six years after my father died. Keith already read my letter about my past abuse on the show so you already know about all that shit. Anyway, I never had the insurance to go see someone about it and when I was able to go see a counselor for brief periods of time, it never helped. But I know that having a strong support system by way of close friends and family does help a lot. It's also good to have friends who know what you're dealing with because they'll be in a position to know where you're coming from and be able to help. I credit my best friend in college with helping me through the toughest times. Nowadays there are times when I stop and think to myself, "You know, I'm really happy with life," and it gives me such a great feeling. Shit, it only took me fifteen years to really come to grips with everything. But the person who said that once you get old enough to realize that the little things don't matter was right. I'll be thirty in four months and I'm happier now than I ever have been. __________________ "'Wah! I'm not good enough, so I blame YOU!' - by the way, that's a baby accent." - Chemda
(Offline)

08-15-2006, 07:59 AM	#27 (permalink)
DJQuad Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 2,242	Take it from me, things could be worse.
(Offline)


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