My Roast Jokes

[zappbrannigan]

I sent in a Samantha Jones clip like two weeks ago but I guess it never got played!

Anyway, these are my jokes:

It's great to be here at the Keith and the Girl roast. Look at all the KATG regulars on this dais. What a booking coup, am I right Christian?


How about a hand for our roast master Jesse Joyce. Isn't he just a laugh riot? You know, Jesse called his second album "Pro-Joyce," which I guess is supposed to be a pun on "pro-choice," referring to abortion. Well, Jesse, I'm in because I wouldn't want to raise a child in a world where that constitutes comedy.

Jesse releases his comedy CD's so infrequently that they practically come out on leap years, the only difference is that people actually give a shit about leap years!

Jesse's on the road a lot. I checked Jesse's schedule and he has more dates in small, Mid-Western towns than a brother and sister couple.

Pat Dixon is here. Pat looks like Tom Hanks in Big, if his mother had been gang-raped by sea lions!

Lauren Hennessy is here. Recently Lauren admitted her transgendered sexuality and the fact that she feels like she has a phantom dick.. a phantom phallus, if you will. That really is brave of her. She's proud of something that's non-existent … sort of like how Jesse Joyce is proud of his sobriety.

Ray DeVito is here. Recently Ray's laptop and other possessions were stolen and that really is a shame. Poor guy, he can't leave his stuff anywhere without it getting stolen: A gym locker … or … Ireland.

A big topic on the show lately has been all these robots and recently the IBM supercomputer Watson competed on Jeopardy. Speaking of robots who have competed in televised competitions, Myq Kaplan is here tonight.

Myq was in a bunch of Subway Scrabble commercials. Wow Myq, those commercials are so STUPID that you certainly are a "commercial failure" ! Suck on that wordplay, bitch!

Ben Lerman is here. Ben has a song called "My name is Ben Lerman, I play the ukulele." Okay Ben, we get it, you're gay. What's your next song called, "My name is Ben Lerman, I play the harp and I take cocks in my ass" ?

On his website, Ben compares himself to Zach Galifianakis, which is an interesting comparison considering that both of them have been fisted by Mike Tyson.

Newsy is here. Newsy is really one of a kind. I mean, he's a gay photographer. Imagine that? I've seen some of his work and I have to say that Newsy's pictures have more naked man-pyramids than Abu Ghraib!

Danny Lobell isn't here, probably because there's no buffet. Instead, this Jabba the Hut motherfucker is back at his Comic Radio Cave with Myka Fox in a slave bikini. But don't worry guys, she's just advancing her career!

John and Molly Knefel aren't here, either, but that's okay because they're so unknown that when I Googled their names, even Bing wouldn't steal the search results!

Now on to the guests of honour, Keith Malley and Chemda Khalili. Without these two, a lot of craziness and regrettable behaviour on the Internet wouldn't have happened. They're like Charlie Sheen's cocaine-supplier… or me after a few Cosmo's.

Chemda Khalili. The Robin Quivers of podcasting. I'm just kidding of course, from what I hear Chemda really wears the pants around KATG. Speaking of wearing pants, Chemda's a pretty big dyke!

I mean, Chemda's gone down more times in Hawaii than a cruise ship limbo contest. (*Notice I avoided the easy Pearl Harbor joke )

Chemda's been keeping her relationship with her girlfriend from her parents, Mr and Mrs Ahma-oh-no-you-dinejad. Geez, Chemda's hiding her homosexuality more than Micah Sherman!

Chemda also watches a lot of a show called "16 and pregnant," and she wonders how she can watch a show like that. Well, I think it should be pretty obvious. It's because teen pregnancy reminds her of home.

Keith Malley. Keith's been animated a number of times, as if we needed any more evidence that he's a cartoon character. I mean, this big fucking ape has stolen more princesses from Italians than Donkey Kong!

Recently, Keith had trouble flying with Continental. That's probably because they used a boat to transport King Kong to New York, not an airplane, Keith.

All joking aside, Keith is an advanced man. I think Keith Malley, of all people, proves that evolution exists. I mean, a gorilla will throw his shit at you, but Keith twitters it for you! I mean, c'mon, we've come a long way!

Keith and his girlfriend Kat's song is "Hey Soul Sister" by Train. Really? "Hey Soul Sister" by Train? What are you, 12? Oh, wait -- that's impossible. If you were 12, Kat wouldn't be born yet!

A memorable event on the show was the Little Baby Faggot incident where Keith stood up to an old man and threw his cane. Apparently Keith's caused more old men to lose their wood than an Elizabeth Taylor wall calendar!

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Let me know what you think

[shoogbear63]

Originally Posted by zappbrannigan

Ray DeVito is here. Recently Ray's laptop and other possessions were stolen and that really is a shame. Poor guy, he can't leave his stuff anywhere without it getting stolen: A gym locker … or … Ireland.

This one was particularly awesome.

[Smitho]

99% of these are fantastic.
1% are uber-fantastic.

[lizsquiz]

Originally Posted by shoogbear63

This one was particularly awesome.

Agreed. I Lol'd.

[Loki74]

Originally Posted by zappbrannigan

Ray DeVito is here. Recently Ray's laptop and other possessions were stolen and that really is a shame. Poor guy, he can't leave his stuff anywhere without it getting stolen: A gym locker … or … Ireland.

Pat Dixon is here. Pat looks like Tom Hanks in Big, if his mother had been gang-raped by sea lions!

LOL

Well done with or without the "Samantha " voice!

[skizzbot]

This is some good stuff. You should have just sent this in as a stand-up submission. ha

[bw81]

I'm not going to read it till after the roast has happened and its confirmed that they didn't play this during it. You never know man, they did ask for video submissions and maybe they thought this was worthy.

I've only read two that people quoted in reply, hilarious. Can't wait to read the rest.

[zappbrannigan]

Originally Posted by bw81

I'm not going to read it till after the roast has happened and its confirmed that they didn't play this during it. You never know man, they did ask for video submissions and maybe they thought this was worthy.

I've only read two that people quoted in reply, hilarious. Can't wait to read the rest.

I hope so, but my submission was only audio.

[Keith]

You should have made a video.

Stop being so lazy.

[Mattman]

Great script.