people who are NOT dr sleep post your dating questions here.

[DWarrior]

Originally Posted by Anxious Nerd

Ultimately if I do what I want without worrying about other people's judgement, I behave inanely trying to garner praise and attention like a 5 year old.
Look at me mommy! Look! Pleeeaaase, you're not looking!
Strangely enough, this type of behaviour leads people to believe that you're a 5 year old and they aren't too impressed. I have to temper my actions so that I'm not just being needy.
I know that this doesn't refute what you said, as I'm still looking to others to give me a sense of self worth, but just that it's not as straight forward as turning off an intellectual filter.

Shit don't make sense B. You don't seem to understand what "don't worry what other people think" means, because if you're acting to garner praise and attention, that's precisely what you're doing!

My problem seems to be the opposite. I mostly don't care what other people think, but I constantly have feelings of inadequacy and ineptitude. So it's more like I care what I think about myself. Doesn't really help to exude confidence, but I'm not really worthwhile for anyone to date atm, and don't want to go through the trouble.

[trippy503]

my biggest issue as of late is that I have difficulty talking with people I dont know one on one. I can do it if I have friends with me or if someone does enough talking that I can play off of it. But I don't know what to say when its just me and a another person and there not making any effort to start the conversation. anyone have any advice for me on this one?

[marina]

Originally Posted by aunt_helen

One of the hardest things to learn is to self-validate. As humans, we will always be seeking out others' approval, which isn't a bad thing - we need outside approval in order to incorporate into society. But while you're interacting with others, you need to learn a sense of self-possession and polite confidence. Patience, good humor and observative habits will serve you well. Watch people you admire and try to emulate them. Play a character until it feels more natural. Be that smooth operator you'd like to be, fake it till you make it, etc etc. Seriously. No one is born knowing this shit. Just be brave and try to pick up some moves along the way.

this.

Originally Posted by trippy503

my biggest issue as of late is that I have difficulty talking with people I dont know one on one. I can do it if I have friends with me or if someone does enough talking that I can play off of it. But I don't know what to say when its just me and a another person and there not making any effort to start the conversation. anyone have any advice for me on this one?

I had this problem with a co-worker. Not a romantic situation at all, but she never wanted to talk to me and we'd end up alone in the lunch room together sometimes, and on top of not talking to me, she didn't seem to like me much as a person. I just started asking questions, like "how was your weekend?? "where did you get that great ring?" "watching any good TV lately?" And then leading questions off of whatever she told me until I realized that we landed on a subject that she liked to talk about. Then it's just a matter of asking small questions like "what kind of dog is he?" "what color did you paint it?" "So you say that the host is the boss of cakes?"

Maybe it's not a love connection if you have to do that teeth-pulling operation, but at least you learn something new about a person and you're not bored out of your skull anymore.

[archicat]

Originally Posted by trippy503

my biggest issue as of late is that I have difficulty talking with people I dont know one on one. I can do it if I have friends with me or if someone does enough talking that I can play off of it. But I don't know what to say when its just me and a another person and there not making any effort to start the conversation. anyone have any advice for me on this one?

You'd have me at Ted Bundy.

[trippy503]

ahhh that's sweet that you'd let me brutally attack you.....whats your address, and do you have any roomates or neighbors who are light sleepers?

[Anxious Nerd]

Originally Posted by aunt_helen

........ Play a character until it feels more natural. Be that smooth operator you'd like to be, fake it till you make it, etc etc........

Thanks for the advice. Trying to fake it is a bit weird; it's disconcerting getting a "you don't know what you're fucking talking about" look when trying to participate. I try not to panic at the prospect of talking to unfamiliar people by remembering McNally's advice that there isn't a difference between apprehension and excitement, it's all about interpretation. Even so, it's difficult to not just feel tense.
I am learning a few techniques I think. When someone says something odd, it helps me to try to visualise it as a cartoon, because then I can imagine something funny to say about it.

[dangerous]

Originally Posted by trippy503

my biggest issue as of late is that I have difficulty talking with people I dont know one on one. I can do it if I have friends with me or if someone does enough talking that I can play off of it. But I don't know what to say when its just me and a another person and there not making any effort to start the conversation. anyone have any advice for me on this one?

open with something you like about them, then make a statement about it, then ask a question about it. (i like your hair, its so soft and bouncy, did it take long to do?) then make a statement about there answer then add a follow up question related to your statement. (half hour you say, i only spend 5 mins on mine because its so short but ive thought about growing it, do you think i could get away with longer hair?) and hey pesto conversation has begun.

[dangerous]

Originally Posted by DWarrior

Shit don't make sense B. You don't seem to understand what "don't worry what other people think" means, because if you're acting to garner praise and attention, that's precisely what you're doing!

My problem seems to be the opposite. I mostly don't care what other people think, but I constantly have feelings of inadequacy and ineptitude. So it's more like I care what I think about myself. Doesn't really help to exude confidence, but I'm not really worthwhile for anyone to date atm, and don't want to go through the trouble.

write a list of all the good things about you, then write a list of all the bad things about you but add how all the bad things have positively effected your life eg im to shy but my shyness means im not arrogant and in peoples faces. or how you plan to improve eg i dont talk to many people but i in tend to talk to one new person everyday. then read the lists everyday like affirmations till you learn to respect yourself.

[dangerous]

Originally Posted by Lord of the Cock Rings

Basil, Pine nuts, Olive oil and Parmesan-reggiano cheese.

how do you make yours?

i buy it in a supermarket. if im not going to take time to proof read my posts before hitting submit, im definitely not going to take time make my own pesto.

[BrownEyedBtch]

I know I have said this before, but people think striking out means they are shitty people who don't deserve to date anyone. You will strike out. You will fail. You will get shut down. Everyone gets rejected at some point. It is a fact of life. If you cannot accept that you will fail sometimes, then you will continue to take every rejection as a personal hit, and your self-esteem will never improve.

If you take every experience, good and bad, and learn something from it, then you will ultimately have what it takes to attract anyone. Was your last approach good, but the timing was bad? Was the attraction purely physical, even though you kept holding out hope for more? If you forgive yourself for the things that did not go right in the encounter and try again, you will be successful. If not, you will be doomed to singlehood forever because you will it to be that way.

Also, the expression "be humble in victory and gracious in defeat" goes for courtship. If she says she is not interested, still be nice and tell her to have a nice day. If you call her a cunt for turning you down, you won't even get the intro conversation next time. Be a lady or a gentleman.